» The Boss

Re-Wipe
Setting the scene:

Monday Night:
A cheeky after work drink for our tattoed, bodybulding skinhead (the nice - non racist kind)purchasing director turned into a gigantic piss up with lashings of the black stuff and the obligatory 1 am collie kebab.

Tuesday Morning:
9:10 N. ,the aforementioned skinhead purchasing director rarely a pretty sight when sober and not hungover, drags his knuckles from the entrance of the office to his desk and orders one of the minions to go and get him an "expresso" (they've even go that printed on the onsite cafe menu!)
9:20 N. announces to one and all that he is now "going for an eartha" and he recommends avoiding the toilets for the forseeable future.

9:33 N. returns from the toilet looking relieved and visibly lighter.

9:35 A colleague of mine, had two chinese clients come to visit us in crewe to sign off on a potentially massive bit of business. As N. is sat with his back to the door he can't see them coming as he stands up and lets out the most gutwrenchingly vile fart I have ever heard/smelled/felt. He then loudly says, "Oh shit, I'm gonna have to go for a re-wipe now " He then turns round, stares directly at G. the accounts manager and the gobsmacked clients, grabs and shakes their unresisting hands, introduces himself as someone completely different and calmly walks towards the exit.
(Fri 19th Jun 2009, 16:45, More)

» Famous people I hate

That Utter Utter Cnut Naomi Campbell
If ever anyone deserves to be hated it's that unpleasant sack of bitchbones. Multiple assault charges and a personality so offputting that even her american legal team (and think of the people they have to put up with!) dumped her. To top it all off, she tried to mitigate the circumstances of her latest confrontation with the law playing the lowest card in the deck by claiming that the BA cabin staff racially abused her...Supermodel??? SuperCUNT more like it.


Still would though. Although I'd pretend she was rubbish afterwards. And cum in her eye.
(Fri 5th Feb 2010, 2:24, More)

» Real-life slapstick

Avoid...
short, heavily gesticulating Italian people. I happened to be walking past one once and received what can only be described as "Nose Rape".
(Wed 27th Jan 2010, 12:19, More)

» The Boss

My brother recently
married a german girl, daniela. Typically Germanic, flaxen haired, long legged and most certainly not at the back of the queue when the big noses were handed out. I met an interesting mix of people at her wedding, most notably her great uncle - a veteran of WW2.

This old codger (in his 90's but still sharp as a razor) made the time in the bar late on fly by as he told us war stories. As many of you may know, this can be tedious beyond belief, especially after the first 15. But this was riveting stuff, some of the things this guy experienced were far beyond anything I'd heard previously of the time.

The most outraegeous one centred on a former commanding officer of the "Rechte Garde" his Hauptmann T. Dorant. This man was a true believer in the genocide, he was so sure and certain in his convictions that not only did he follow orders without questioning them, he seemed to enjoy the carnage and killing. A proper bastard.

not only the civilians suffered under hauptmann theo, the german soldiers suffered too. he was a complete hygene freak, the soldiers had to be scrubbed, the uniforms pressed, the shoes shined at all times. The old timer told us how theo once, acting on impulse, shot a dove, because it fouled on his uniform. he frequently whipped members of his squadron. His fervour and dedication later led to the founding of a special unit in the Bundeswehr, dedicated to upholding the ridiculously high standards expected. The B.O. SS.
(Tue 23rd Jun 2009, 20:13, More)

» House Guests

Goths in Latex
Sweat profusely. Never invite one back to yours in the summer regardless of how attractive they are. Turns out, a brisk half mile walk back from the pub can generate smells that would not be out of place under John McCriricks foreskin.
(Thu 6th Jan 2011, 19:14, More)