» Shoplifting

newsagents
One of those convenience type stores independently owned. They had recently expanded into the empty unit next door.

As a result the other shops door was not in use and they had stacked a display shelf with crisps on in front of it.

They had failed to notice that it backed onto the letterbox.

:)

Wotsits galore for about 3 weeks till they must have noticed the letterbox, or wondered what the rustling noise was at the back of that shelf.

length? about an inch, slightly bent and very orange.
(Thu 10th Jan 2008, 14:04, More)

» Karma

Instant Karma
On a regular route of mine there is a duel carriageway that goes down a steep hill with an island at the bottom.

The left hand lane is for straight on and the right hand lane for right only as the road becomes single lane after the island.

This is all clearly marked for the benefit of everyone to see.

Except for some twat in his 'alpha' (yar).

He proceeds to cut me up from the right hand lane and causes me to brake hard to allow him thru MY exit.

I was heading toward Jct4 of the M5 at the time, which I did every day. Consequently I know the route like the back of my hand.

The incident happened about 4 miles from the junction so as a result alot of cat and mouse occured en route.

I was really wound up by this fucker and his noncholant attitude.

Until we hit 'sandy lane' a nice long straight road of dual carriageway proportions.

I took better momentum off the island and my battered 2.0l veccy overtook him with a passenger window 2 fingered salut. This was then followed by him sitting on my tailgate while I deliberately slowed by arctics to slow his progress.

It was at this point when I noticed the lorry coming the other way was flashing his lights.

I clocked immediately that it meant the mobile 'safety camera partnership' van was setup around the next bend where coincidently it turns into single lane again.(Did I mention I know this route!!)

Now I must point out that the road does not actually narrow, but it turns 1 lane due to over zealous H+S officials etc painting white no go lines on the tarmac to artificially narrow it.

I keep on a go slow until the 100 yard marker for single lane then pull over.

He cogs it down and roars past me sensing his victory. He then decides to overtake the waggon in front but runs out of space and has to ride the white no go zig zags to get out of trouble.

All this IN FRONT of the running camera!!!

I really hope they did him for 6 points.

Judging by the look on his face at the next set of lights I rekkon a clean pair of keks was in order.

I have never laughed so hard in my life. right in his face too.

Cocky twat.

Got exactly what he deserved.
(Thu 21st Feb 2008, 15:56, More)

» Conned

Hospital car park
When my better half was giving birth I had no choice but to use the carpark. This is charged at £1 per hour!!(robbing fucks) upto a daily maximum of five pounds a day.

Having been there for 2 days my ticket was now going to cost me ten pounds.

I'm so worked up about the fact that you even have to PAY to park to go see your sick/dying/birthing loved ones that it's all I allegedly go on about whilst there.

But wait. On the ticket machine where you pay your fees and get an exit ticket I spy a sign. Lost tickets are charged at the full day rate of five pounds. Woo Hoo half price.

I press the buzzer and speak to the monkey on the other end.
'yes?'
'I've lost my ticket for the carpark'
'okay just go to the barrier and press the call button'
'cool'

I get there press the button, speak to the monkey again and teh barrier magically lifts in front of my eyes.

FREE

Woo Hoo

Apparantly I couldn't shut up about that either.
(Sun 21st Oct 2007, 12:36, More)

» Housemates

The Pond Incident
3 of us shared the house. All of us blokes.
Ians parents had moved out to live on a narrow boat in their retirement. He was looking for people to move in. Result. Cheap rent, all inclusive and Ian was a bit of a small time dope dealer ala Moz in Ideal. So plenty of smoke to be found.

The other lad that came to stay was Russ. Now Russ is one of the most laid back blokes I know. Was skinny as a rake. A chef during the day, and a stoned D&B bedroom DJ by night.

He moved in in early summertime, and as we had a respectable garden many BBQ's were held outback, many of which he frequented. Towards the back of the garden the level of the ground rose quite sharply and Ians parents had made a lovely 3 tier waterfall going into a nice large pond inhabited with Koi.

There was also a shed on this 'high ground' and the steps upto the shed required you to walk directly next to said waterfall.(Shed to the right water to the left)

Winter soon arrives and Russ, as usual is up at silly am to get into work. He wakes me up with his usual scampering round to get ready routine, he then comes into my room at 0530 and asks if we have got a snow shovel as its white over outside and he might struggle to get out of the street. I tell him there is one in the shed.

5 mins later in comes Russ back into my room, he asks "How long have we had a pond?"
It took a few seconds to register what he had done.

Dozy sod had only trudged up to the shed in the garden white over with snow. The quickest route was over teh frozen pond!!

I have never laughed so much in my entire life. The look of him standing there at the foot of my bed with both legs dripping with icy cold water and a look on his face of total bewilderment.

After I had calmed down a little, he was still silent so I casually asked, "Are the fish okay?"
"Not sure" was his reply.

Russ you are a legend mate.
(Wed 4th Mar 2009, 13:49, More)

» That's me on TV!

I made it
Onto the Big Breakfast. It was the day Denise Van Outen and Johnny Vaughan made their big comeback to the show. I was attending thanks to my sister nominating me for the belching competition.

I turned out to be a rather surreal day. Sandwhiched on a sofa between David 'I am not a movie starrr' Ginola and the dwarf bloke that used to do britains bounciest weather on 'Live TV'.

My turn came, and along with 3 other wannabe belchers we took stage one at a time. The thing about the setup was this: There were two mics mounted on a table, one a decebel reader and the other a standard mic.

We had to belch into the decebel reader and the loudest won...

I went last.

After a massive gulp of fizzy pop, I was built up and ready to burst forth.

As I was releasing, Denise motioned I was going toward the wrong microphone (I wasn't), so I turned towards her at the point of no return and belched FULL ON into her face!

The look of pure horror as she recoiled backwards will live with me forever. Any chance of wooing the lovely Denise was now well and truly off.

She was not so good looking in the flesh anyway.......
(Thu 11th Jun 2009, 13:30, More)