» Pointless Experiments

Stupid idea
I was in the bath once and suddenly had a thought come into my head, I thought "I wonder what water actually smells like?". So, without a moment's hesitation I dunked my head underwater and took in a deep breath, only to come back up immediately, puking water everywhere.

I really don't know what I was thinking. At the time I thought it was the most original idea ever. I wasn't even a child when this happened, I was around 14 years old.
(Thu 24th Jul 2008, 16:29, More)

» Advice from Old People

He didn't expect this....
I don't know if this counts as worthwhile or not, but here goes:

My mate's grandad is an Irish pisshead and has been known to stretch the truth on a number of occasions but this one took the biscuit, or at least I hope he was stretching the truth...

My mate and his grandad were talking at a family do and the subject changed to celebrities for some reason. My mate's grandad piped up and mentioned that Christy Brown (subject of the film 'My Left Foot' starring Daniel Day Lewis) used to live near him and he had met him a few times down the pub. Someone mentioned it must have been great meeting someone who battled through his physical disability to achieve so much. He replied:

"No, he was a wanker. He caused a huge fuss every time he came to the pub. His brothers would sit him down at the bar and pour drink into his mouth, and if he didn't have things his way he'd kick up an almighty fuss. At the end of the night one of his brothers would have to take it in turns to wheel him into the toilet and wank him off to keep him quiet."

Like I said, I hope these were exaggerations....
(Thu 19th Jun 2008, 17:32, More)

» Blood

Another banjo string story...
The banjo story on here reminded me of a time when I was getting down and dirty with my then-girlfriend. We were getting it on and she seemed to be enjoying it so I started to get a bit over confident with my thrusting - pulling right out and thrusting it all the way back in. This was fine for about a few minutes but then I went to slam it back in and I missed...

My banjo ripped and instantly started pissing with blood. I screamed in pain, jumped up and ran to the sink where the blood could spill out without damaging the bedsheets/carpet, etc.

Now what happened next I cannot explain. I'm welcoming people's opinions on this, and if anyone has had the same thing happen to them then please tell me... but *something* came out of the tear in my cock. It was about 3 inches long (yes, my cock is bigger than that), 3/4 of an inch wide and was deep red. It looked like a leech but made out of my own blood. I have no idea what the fuck it was. It felt like jelly in my hands, and when I lifted it out of the sink to show my girlfriend she was sick all over the landing.

I thought it might be some sort of erectile tissue but my cock felt the same afterwards and have never had a problem getting it up. I just had to lay off the sex for about 6 months afterwards to let my banjo heal.

Weird.
(Fri 8th Aug 2008, 16:39, More)

» Shit Stories: Part Number Two

Two toilets blocked... one shit
A couple of years back I broke two fingers at a local gig. Due to the nature of the breakage they had to put me under general anaesthetic to treat them and I ended up having a pin insterted into one finger. Now everyone knows general anaesthetic backs you up a bit, but 8 days later I still hadn't taken a dump and was starting to get a bit worried - I was still eating like a horse and it felt like there was a block of lead inside my stomach.

10 days in and I was sat there at work when the first rumblings happened. I knew this was it. I rushed off to the toilets and prepared to do battle with the uberturd I had stored in my colon.

Dropping my trousers, I sat down and readied my soon-to-be-ruined anus. I tested the water with a little push to see how big this thing truly was, it barely moved so it must have been a beast. I was at work and time was of the essence so I decided to throw caution to the wind and let fly. I pushed with all my might and the turd finally moved slowly but surely towards it's watery grave. I had never known pain like it, and along with the pain I also experienced spots before my eyes and my hearing seemed muffled as well. This shit had really broken me!

After dropping the main log there was a good deal of looser, less consistent stool to follow, so much in fact that I thought I had better flush before I wiped or it would block up. It blocked anyway, meaning I had to shuffle to the next cubicle with my trousers round my ankles to wipe my arse. The sheer mess surrounding my poor bunghole meant that I had to use almost a whole loo roll which promptly blocked that toilet too.
(Mon 31st Mar 2008, 17:28, More)

» Guilty Pleasures, part 2

Another fart story...
When I'm in a bath I like to shut my legs together very tight, let off a juicy fart and roll it up and down the backs of my thighs by altering the angle of my legs. It tickles!!!
(Fri 14th Mar 2008, 16:01, More)