» Failed

Mr. F__________! You've failed!
A schoolfriend's father, an immigrant from southern Italy had to take a UK driving test after his arrival in Britain in the 1960s. Like a good Italian he put a crisp fiver on the passenger seat (for the examiner to slide into his back pocket in a single deft movement as he "adjusted his jacket") and went into the test centre. Out came the officious little Brit prick with his clipboard and was shown to the vehicle. He opened the door and asked: "Mr. F__________, whose five pound note is that?" "I don't know" said Mr. F__________, "it must be yours!" "Mr. F_______, you've failed!!" barked the examiner and my friend's father had his first taste of British "oddness".
(Wed 10th Jan 2007, 4:01, More)

» The worst sex I ever had

14 stitches...
Just getting down to the needful with a splendidly gorgeous girl in my room in a Uni hall of residence when the twunts from the block started bashing on the door and jeering. Now I'm a fairly hefty bastard and jumped out of bed to thump one, trod on a wineglass and practically cut my fucking middle toe off. Blood everywhere and a trip to Hull Royal Infirmary.

Room-mate came back the following day and saw the dried blood everywhere and said : "Virgin was she?"
(Sat 16th Jun 2007, 18:20, More)

» Stupid Dares

Audere est facere...
Many moons ago (late-sixties) our local Victorian-era cop-shop (long since replaced on the site by a Tesco supermarket) backed onto the town park, bordered by a spinney and a grubby brook where the town's pre- and peripubertal 'yoof' was want to pass the daylight hours in the pre-Gameboy era. Each October this glorious pre-Health & Safety playground would see a series of children maimed and disfigured by fireworks.

One autumn day I, aged about 8, was dared by an older and wiser yobbo to run to the back of the police station about 25 yards away, light and lob a banger into the huge steel waste bin at about six foot high under an overhanging porch at the back of the building... sure to make a top class bang and get the coppers out and running after us. Everything went to plan.... over the fence, across the scruffy back yard, lit the banger - but I was too eager to unload the ordnance and chucked it in before it had begun to 'fizz'... and legged it. There was no big bang... just a muffled 'thud' as if the banger had misfired and I reached the safety of the spinney as the jeers rose from my tawdry pals. The banger had not misfired. It had nestled down in the soft bed of waste paper that filled the bin which now began to burn... under the overhanging wooden roof now being licked by flames as burning tar from the roof felt dripped down and fed the growing inferno. We legged it to our respective homes. I can still hear the siren of the fire engine in my 'mind's ear' as I remember I sat watching 'Crackerjack', my cheeks burning as my mother said: 'You're home early tonight Roger....'

Length? About three inches and red in colour. Called a 'Little Devil' IIRR. They cost sixpence each which was a lot of money in those days.
(Mon 5th Nov 2007, 20:15, More)

» Spoooky Coincidence

Spoooky Ruler....
Just started at Uni 200 miles from home and (as ever) there was just a single 'piece of ass' worth chasing on my course. I sidled over and began a fairly lame chat-up and exchange of names and places. Turned out the lady in question was from the other side of my county about 40 miles away but... horror of horrors.... had a boyfriend in the sixth form in the school I'd just left. 'What's his name?' I asked? Reluctantly she told me. Not only was he the other lock in the school second XV with me but I brought over my pencil case and pulled out a ruler WITH HIS FUCKING NAME ON!! Spoooky huh? This sent her totally blithery. In case you're wondering, I nearly managed it with her, only a bunch of cunts were banging on the locked door of my room, jeering and cheering so I jumped out of bed bollock naked to grab one to thump, trod on a fucking wineglass, practically cut my toe off and ended up in hospital. Ah! A_____, 25 years on I think about you every time that toe gives me gip, but it was never meant to be.... Drop me a line love!
(Thu 8th Feb 2007, 16:52, More)

» Expensive Mistakes

Psion... how many?
(1996). "Shall I just buy 1,000 Psion shares at £1 dear or can I put all our £30,000 savings on them? They seem a very good bet!"

"Better play it safe dear... just the £1000."

"O.K, whatever you say."

(2001, March, peak of the market). Potter, CEO, starts the rush for the door with a big sale. I phone my broker. My £1000 is now worth something like £60,000 and I unload the lot. Lovely eh? Like fuck... my best hit on the Stock Market ruined by wondering how £1.8 mil would have felt.

2007 House is paid for, cars paid for. Debts? None. Bank account? Empty. Soul? Gnawed at.
(Thu 25th Oct 2007, 14:16, More)