» Stuff I've found

back in the days where people received training
I had 5 weeks on a residential course, it was their own traing centre. in the middle of all the doorframes was a little plate at waist height " oh its a detector to check the door is shut" etc.

One afternoon, I unscrewed the little brass plate and there was hole bored behind it, in it was a little note that said " Yes, I`m fucking bored too". I put it back and rescrewed the plate.
(Thu 6th Nov 2008, 19:22, More)

» Unexpected Nudity

I can laugh now (twitch)
A while ago I was mistakenly kind to a woman who turned out to be a nutter and obsessed and actually got committed.

She had a works leaving do in a dodgy bit of south London and asked me along as protection for the journey home.
She got trolleyed on red wine.
I can lift 100kg, but not in 5f2 drunken wobbly package.
managed to get her back home, coat and shoes off, in the recovery position on the bed, bin ready for wine return.

I took one of the many stolen pint glasses down to the kitchen for a pint of water to leave before going.

When I got back up the light was off. I turned it on and there was a sight. She had stripped off all her clothes bar a pair of white ankle socks. (she had tiny feet, it made it worse by contrast)

She was flat on her back, boob under each armpit, knees in the air, bomb bay doors gaping, muttering vague imprecations to put something in somewhere THEN the icing on the cake.

A huge thunderous fart of the sort with that fleshy wet sound only really fat people can make. I could see ripples so I burst out laughing. Her flatmate woke up and I told her and we were in fits.

" so which page of the book of seduction did she get that one from?"

When I remembered this it was the white socks, it reminded me of those paper chefs hats decorations they put on roast turkeys and chickens in the gravy and paxo adverts way back when.

Don`t get me wrong I`m not a body fascist, a reubens-esque woman can be a source of warmth in winter and valuable shade in summer, but it is a matter of degree, there is a difference between scratching and tearing lumps!
(Fri 29th May 2009, 23:12, More)

» Churches, temples and holy places

Gone with the wind
Fat little boys can fart really loudly. I was 7 or 8, School trip to St Pauls Cathedral and had this great idea in the whispering gallery, I strained till I ripped one off. it was a multimedia experience, more than I expected. Teacher couldn`t finish the lecture on respect and manners she was trying to give me due to inability to keep a straight face.

II.....
My Gran was youngest of 14, so from 8 till I was 20-odd one or more distant great aunts or uncles or cousins multiply removed who I had never met would do the parrot sketch every year. Some of the funerals I was dragged to and it was all mindyermanners stress as a kid. The horde of aged relatives 70+ was astonishing in the earlier years.

During one of these funerals minute of silent prayer, a member of club 70-90 produced a window rattler fart that started from a squeaky pinched atonal overture before they couldn`t hold it any more, the following airhorn morphed into the sound of wet things being dropped from height several times a second. Kid-like it broke the tension and I started giggling, trouble was it was infectious, fortunately mum was a victim so I was spared any punishment (in this life).
(Fri 2nd Sep 2011, 13:54, More)

» Hypocrisy

"devout" christian
My folks moved when I was 10, the spinster (Winnie) next door was a church goer and made sure you were aware of it. She bought a puppy named peter, All you could hear was "No Peter, bad boy," he was kept tethered in the garden on a chain ( with a kennel) but a friendly if a little nervous thing. no wonder!

One day I got confirmed what I suspected , she was beating him with his leash I had a go and got told to "mind your place boy" so I went in to gran " Gran she`s hitting that puppy and told me to sod off"

4ft 6 of trouble launched into action, gave her a an earsplitting including "Typical, church on a sunday ,and think your shit doesn`t stink for the rest of the week? hard luck it does and I`ll report you or give you as good as you gave him if i ever catch you again, You wicked cow". If I remember she said "and if my grandson catches you I`ve told him to knock on Mrs swithenbanks(?) door she`s got a phone to call the RSPCA " (and she`s in the same church and is one of the lay officials, oops)

It stopped.
The irony was that Gran had been in the Salvation army and manned soup kitchens in the east end during the appalling times after the great war ended. Her attitude was: You don`t need all that cant, if you can`t do a good one don`t do a bad one, but if someone deliberately does a bad one to you and yours teach them never to do it again.
works for me, I have my own set of hypocrisies
(Fri 20th Feb 2009, 18:41, More)

» Tactless

Mutton dressed as.
At the end of a successful week working at some bloody conference thing, my manager took the team out for a thank you slap up meal.

A few white wines down her neck one of the women starts chatting up one of the contractors with us on the same table.

The lady concerned was in advanced age denial as far as clothing, amount of slap applied and behaviour.

He was trying to be polite without encouragement and in the struggle came out with "You must have been quite pretty when you were young".
(Mon 7th Nov 2011, 13:05, More)