» I witnessed a crime

Not quite a witness but...
First post, be gentle with me...

My parents live in Ipswich which until quite recently, I did too. Now I’m sure most of you must have heard and seen about the trial of Steve "the Suffolk strangler" Wright who currently is in court for the alleged murder of 5 prostitutes.

Well he lived in a flat in the Red Light District, with my house just a few doors away. It just so happens that my dad's brother lives in the street too, the other flat in the same building as the accused as it so happens! Now none of us are great fans of these ladies of the night, who seem to take great pleasure in assaulting my sister and setting fire to our wheelie bin (as a distraction technique so they can steal bills from the paper recycling bin at back of house is the theory) but I would hope that none of us would be capable of such heinous crimes!

Any who on the day of his arrest, journo's from across the land descended on Ipswich, and in an attempt to find out who lived in the house where the arrest was made, they asked all the neighbours who lived in said house. At this point, the name of the arrested hadn't been officially announced and unfortunately my uncle's name came up more than once and so for a few hours, he was unofficially named as the Suffolk strangler...

Cue fits of hysteria and panic from my grandma and my aunty as a few journo's found out where they worked and were questioned on what it’s like to be the mother/partner of an accused serial killer? Meanwhile Uncle Dave is happily painting away at work, completely oblivious to the fact he’d just been arrested and was currently sitting in a cell.

Didn’t quite witness the crimes, but we saw the accused wash his car once, does that count? We should have known it was a bad area to live in when on the second night after moving in, a police search descended on our garden which resulted in the finding of a man hiding in our shed at 3 in the morning...
(Thu 14th Feb 2008, 13:39, More)

» Phobias

bathroom dwelling spiders...
I'm not a massive arachnophobe, but i really hate those 'house spiders' bad_dogg mentioned a few posts down..

My grandad lives out in the countryside, and around harvest time these things would invade the house. The Jack Russell was well trained and use to eat the things (along with everything else, blackbirds, hairbrushes and tubs of bicarbonate of soda) but he must of missed this one...had the most frightening experience in the bathroom....

After a nice hot shower, i wrapped a towel round my waist and sat on the toilet seat feeling dizzy. Sitting there flushed and panting when i feel a odd tingling sensation on my bollocks. Open up my towel to find one of these hefty little house spiders hanging from my testicles. Cue fits of hysterics and frantically trying to remove this spider that had become so fond of my nads...

He scurried off into the washing basket...

Now I cant sleep if the fucker's are in my room and I always have to check my towel when getting out of the shower now. But any other type of spider is just fine...
(Fri 11th Apr 2008, 13:32, More)

» Food sabotage

Would you like pubes with that sir?
There's a small troop of us who go to watch football on a Saturday afternoon, frequently in fancy dress, and often in women's clothing.... There's this strange little bloke who's always in our pub after the games, a little grubby little bloke. He grunts and laughs alot, but we've never heard him speak...

This guy must be in his late 50's and stalks round the bar in his little leather jacket, trying to find someone to stand with. My dad always seems to carry his 'nutter magnet' around with him so it was only natural this guy would find himself trying to infiltrate our little group. He'd try steal your props, knock your hat off, steal your beer, generally anything he could do to try get your attention...

After one particular game where we'd lost quite heavily, this guy decides to lick my face as i'm standing at the bar...naturally i was feeling pissed off because of the result so after this I was ready to break his face. I was persuaded otherwise by my dad that he was just a fruitcake and we'd get him back later....roll on about 15 minutes later when this guy leaves virtually a fresh pint on the bar and heads to the toilet....10 seconds later i watch in utter hysterics as my uncle proceeded to pull hairs (often in agony) from his nether regions and carefully place in the froth of this blokes beer...topped off with the ass hair of my 52year old father for good measure...

Watching this bloke take a couple of swigs before picking a few hairs from his tongue was the best laugh I'd had in ages......

He still drunk the pint
(Fri 19th Sep 2008, 9:17, More)