» Neighbours

Raymond and his budgie.
My neighbour is a genius. We shall call him Raymond, for that is his name.

Raymond used to be a Fisherman. Not your sitting by a river dicking about for hours fisherman. But a proper fishin' the north sea for Haddocks and other whitefish. He is also the funniest person I have ever met, one of lifes great story tellers. If you imagine a strong man version of Alan Carr, then add about 10 stone, that's what Raymond looks like. If you were to ask him "How are you getting on?", his standard reply is "Same as usual, fat and ugly".

So Raymond had a daughter. Being at the fishing he didn't get to see her very often, so he left the boat for a job ashore. He thought about what he could do to pay the bills and came up with the idea of startIng a mobile fish van. He goes through the motions and gets a van, gets it kitted out and gets it survey by the local health and saftey inspector. The inspector told Raymond he would be able to start trading next week after the relevant paper work had been completed.

Two weeks later the paper work still hadn't arrived. Raymond is a bit pissed off, so phones up the inspector and get excuses from him, Raymond explains that he really needs to start making money, bills are coming in and the last pay from the fishing has run out. The inspector tells Raymond that he can start trading tommorow morning and he will be down with the certificates in the afternoon.

This is great news. Raymond can start making money with his new buisness, he makes a phone call to his mate on the boat and gets a few boxes of fresh fish delivered. He thinks to himself, how am I going to let people know that I'm selling fish? So he phones the local radio station;

"Hello Radio Orkney? I'd like to place an advertisment please.". Only to be told don't be stupid we're part funded by the BBC, we can't help you.

Never call Raymond stupid. A couple of hours later...

"Hello Radio Orkney? Its Raymond Raymondson here and the most terrible things happend, my daughters lost her Budgie. Could you read a message out asking if anybody has seen him?" asked Raymond
"Why yes sir that shouldn't be a problem, can you give us a description of your budgie?"
"Well he's green and yellow and his name is 'Cheepfish'"
"Cheepfish? Strange name for a budgie."
"Hey that's the name me daughter picked for him"
"Oh okay, can you give us a phone number for contacting you?"
"No theres nae point me giving u me number me bloody phones on the blink, but I'll be on Kirkwall Pier tommorow in my fish van from 12 till 1."

Cue Radio Orkney reading out that Raymond has lost his budgie 'CHEEPFISH' and he'll be on the pier in his fish van tommorow afternoon.

There was a fair few folk buying fish on the pier.
(Sat 3rd Oct 2009, 19:23, More)

» I don't understand the attraction

Booze
Alcohol or anything that makes you do the following.
After a night out on the 'sauce' I was stood in line ready to buy a rat burger from the burger van.  "£4.20 please mate". Without hesitation I handed over my money and got my cowchuff meat roll.

After standing in line for 15 mins my bladder had refilled himself. So I snuck up the nearest lane to deballast. After an awkard drunken juggle, horror of horrors I dropped the burger. Right in my puddle of piss.  

Something clicked in my tight scottish brain. I'd just spent the best part of a fiver on this burger. So my own urine was going to stop me eating my rapidly cooling purchase? Was it fuck. 

I gobbled that fucker down like Gately on heat. I then stayed sober for 8 months.  
(Sun 18th Oct 2009, 10:02, More)

» Sexual fetishes

I can only get off using the following.
The classic Spiderman - shag her from behind, make the appropriate noises and spit on her back. "Great!" she thinks, now I won't have spunk dribbling out my bucket all night. That's right love because I've just jizzed in my hand and now I'm going to flick it in your face a lá Tobey Maguire. "With great power comes great responsibility"

The Angry Pirate - get her to give you a blow job, when you get to the strokes be a gentleman and pull out. Blast her in the eye instead. Then kick her in the shin. Hopping about with a man battar eyepatch going "arrrrgh arrgh". Bliss.

My personal favourite is the Charizard - make love in the missionary position, then as you approach the yohgurt spill. Reach to the bedside cabinet take the lighter and set her pubes on fire. Extinguish the flames with your drippings whilst flicking the lighter and and shouting "YOU DONT HAVE ENOUGH BADGES TO TRAIN ME!"

Trust me guys they love it.
(Fri 23rd Oct 2009, 19:08, More)

» Rubbish Towns

Lerwick
I live in the most northern town in the uk, Lerwick. "Ooh how nice" you say, "all scandinavian". We have the northern most tesco. During the 00's there has been a huge influx of junkie scousers. I got punched in the face by one. And you only get three hours of daylight in the winter. But you also get 21 hours of daylight in the summer, which is shit too, the local diy shop makes a fortune on black out blinds.

Lerwick Is rubbish I'm moving to Stevenage or Swansea
(Mon 2nd Nov 2009, 8:59, More)

» Sexual fetishes

Why oh why,
are all the ladys who have wet silk knickers, penchants for being tied up and dominated all married? God. Selfish or what?
(Wed 28th Oct 2009, 18:27, More)