» Cringe!

I don't get out much
Upon turning 19, I moved out of my parental abode. My cat was far too old to move with me and, frankly, my parents would have done anything to retain possession of the fluffeh little girl. And so it was, I became a young and innocent little Flirt out on my own for the first time.

I missed my kitty.

After a few weeks alone in my new apartment, I could stand the lack of furry purryness no more and obtained 2 new fluffehs. I even went out on a limb and procured male cats this time around.

One of my new kitties liked having his belly rubbed. During one such petting session, I noticed little bumps on his chest and tummy. I began to worry. Did I in fact acquire a diseased kitty? Would the one with bumps pass on his illness to the younger and bump-free new little brother?

I checked the kitten. I found bumps on him too. Oh the wailing and gnashing of teeth. My poor new kitties would not be long for this world!

I rushed my sweet little kittens, who were obviously dying of some grave disease, to the vet. My worries weren’t alleviated when the vet had to look twice, then thrice at said bumps.

Then the vet giggled and pronounced the bumps to be nipples.

“What?” I exclaimed, “But how can that be? They are boys!”

The vet, with a mostly straight face, explained that all mammals have nipples, regardless of gender. I remained confused.

And then it, along with the cringing embarrassment, finally sunk in. My fluffeh boys weren’t dying, they were normal kitty boys with nipples.

I slunk out of the vet’s office with my face burning and my checkbook a bit lighter for the visit.
(Mon 1st Dec 2008, 19:55, More)

» Shit Stories: Part Number Two

I know girls don't poo, but.....
(why don't I remember these things until the QOTW is almost over?)
Here is a story my mother has never let me forget.

When I was but a little flirt, my parents decided upon a bit of DIY. I couldn't have been more than 2 or 3 when they dragged me off to the hardware store with them. Naturally, I felt the need to poo. I informed mother, but she didn't understand my toddler babble, so I started wandering around the store by myself.

She found me soon after......perched on a display toilet, my one-piece outfit around my ankles, looking through a sales brochure. Apparently, I had even asked a passing salesman for a cup of water because she spotted one heading my way with said cup.

She pulled me off the toilet while apologizing to the salesman profusely. That was when she glanced in the display toilet and realized that I had done more than a little pee. She offered to clean it up but the salesman was not having it.

Unfortunately, this is not where the story ends.

When I moved out of the parental abode into my first apartment, I had a lovely landlord. He popped in while my parents were over for dinner shortly after I moved in. He was a retired gentleman, and as it transpired, retired from the very same hardware store of my childhood shame. Mother felt the need to share the story. My landlord started chuckling and said, "I remember that. And of course I had to bring her a cup of water, she was such a darling little thing!"

Oh the shame. I wish I had made this story up......it took 6 months before I was too embarassed to face my landlord.
(Wed 2nd Apr 2008, 5:00, More)

» Food sabotage

More wine please......
('Tis a tenuous link but it does involve food and my apparent sabotage of my daughter's idea of the perfect meal. Besides, it was just too good of a story not to share with the world.)

I've just arrived home from taking my daughters out to our favorite Itallian restaurant. As usual, the service was fantastic and the food sublime. But that isn't the funny part of the story.

As we sat down, a discussion began concerning what new dishes we'd like to try or if we should go with old favorites. This is when my youngest opened her menu, pointed to a bottle of wine and announced, "Look, they have wine. I want some wine for dinner."

Now, we don't really have anyone in our family who is a wine drinker so I'm still not sure where she even learned about wine much less what the bottles look like.

After I stopped laughing, I told my dear daughter, "Sweetie, I know you are 6 years old now, but that is still a bit too young for drinking wine with your dinner."

She then became a bit adamant, "Oh, I don't want anything to eat. I just want the wine."

I had to again tell her no.

Then she came out with, "Well can I just try it to see what it tastes like?" I told her that once she turns 21 she can have all the wine she wants. She wailed, "But I'll be almost an adult by then!"

My response was not in favor of her desires.

Then the waiter arrived for the drinks order. Mandy sat up straight, looked up at him with the most serious and grown-up expression she could manage, used the loudest vioce she could muster, and said, "I'd like a bottle of wine please."

People at tables as far away as across the room burst out in laughter.


I don't even drink FFS!
(Sat 20th Sep 2008, 3:10, More)

» Sleepwalking

more of a lack of sleep.......
when my oldest daugter was a newborn and therefore still waking every few hours to eat, i was just a bit tired. the ex mr badgers couldn't be bothered to actually take one of the feedings......he reasoned that i was off work for several months so could nap later......(like that is going to happen with a baby in the house).

i quickly discovered that i only had to be awake enough to stumble off to the kitchen and make a bottle.........i would then sit in a large chair where i could feed the baby (yes in the proper upright position) while dozing............

there were many night-time feedings that i flat out didn't remember because i dozed through the whole thing.......

i realized it was time to either ship the kid off to grandmother so i could get some real sleep or start waking fully after one interesting incident.......

i woke thinking the baby wanted a bottle, made one, and by the time i got back to her crib i found she was still asleep. my next step was to set the bottle on the nightstand and gratefully crawl back in bed. i couldn't have been asleep for more than a few minutes when the interesting bit happened.......

apparently the cat jumpped on the bed to get some sleep as well because i woke up holding the cat like a baby while trying to stuff a bottle in the poor cat's mouth! i couldn't understand why the baby didn't want the bottle and seemed to be a lot more furry than i remembered....


for some odd reason, the cat didn't want to sleep on the bed again for quite a while.
(Fri 24th Aug 2007, 7:59, More)

» Advice from Old People

When I was 16 I had a friend who was 88
She told me that you are never too old to have really dirty sex.

I'm not sure if I should be pleased or disgusted by that bit of news.....
(Thu 19th Jun 2008, 16:27, More)