» Why should you be fired from your job?

job? i shit em.
heh, now here's a question i can get my teeth into. i've been sacked or let go many many times. i should have been sacked even more.

age 16, cleaner in a travelodge. sackable offences: playing cricket with cakes in hotel rooms, not cleaning up spunk-soiled sheets but instead leaving them for next tenant, smoking dope in the hotel rooms, drinking occupant's booze, wearing 'fuck you i won't do what you tell me' t-shirt whilst cleaning. outcome - walked.

age 17-18, kitchen porter (read monkey boy) for toby inns. sackable offences (other peoples): drug abuse and alcoholism (the two head chefs), sexual assault (one of the head chefs took great delight in waiting til you had your hands full and then grabbing you. you've never lived til an uncle-monty wannabe has slid his hands into your checks whilst muttering "i'll have you boyo" and you know if you drop that very heavy tray of roasties you're gonna get burnt quite badly. knife fights for shits and giggles. spitting in food. sackable offences (mine): theft of enough food in three shifts a week to feed my squat all week long. drug abuse on duty, marijuana and speed, hygiene failures of the highest order (raw meat and desserts = dodgy stomachs), constantly being hidden somewhere smoking a fag and not cleaning. outcome: walked but was welcome back anytime. i wasn't a bad offender compared to many. for example i escaped the police raid by slipping out a side door just as the next round of lines were being racked up. i was also significantly responsible for the 600 pound deficit behind the bar the weekend the management went on holiday. i think one of the chefs paid that.

age 19, books expert for wh smith, oxford street. sackable offences: constant drunkenness, fucking with the EPOS system. systemised clubcard fraud, petty theft. outcome: sacked but managed somehow to talk my way out of having the bizzies called. in this case i wasn't as smart as i thought.

age 21, business customer services officer, seeboard electricity. my day job whilst trying to break into the music industry. did that job for 11 months. i was trained by someone who was trained in an afternoon by someone who was sacked for incompetence, who was apparantly trained by someone who was also sacked for incompetence. apparently it was the cursed job. sackable offence: at no time in the 11 months i worked there did i really know what i was supposed to do. i checked an inbox, put stuff on a spreadsheet, printed off a load of papers which mostly got thrown in the bin, and then i clicked some buttons. on the average day i was done by half ten. and had no internets. so i spent most of the time writing increasingly vitriolic, misanthropic and hate-filled unpublishable novels as the drug abuse out of hours left me a mental health wreck.

ages 21-23, agency temp. had a knack of finding the cushy jobs. eventually got sacked for walking out of a job because it was pony and not for the hundreds of internet hours, industrial sabotage, or drunkeness on duty.

age 24, lecturer. somehow i blagged a job as an english lecturer. it rapidly became clear i hadn't blagged it, they gave it to me as no other cunt would do it. sackable offences: complete incompetance and regularly being fucked on comedowns or still high from last night during lessons.... which leads to

age 26, teacher. i was a good teacher in a bad system. that's my excuse. the kids loved me. i was a dynamic action teacher who didn't do things by the book. i got results in what we could call 'interesting ways'. i was also a drunk and a drug fiend. outcome: i'm no longer a teacher.

since then i've been sacked twice more. once by an agency for being slack, which was fair enough, and once by a respected housing association. this is the only sacking i ever felt aggrieved at as i'd enjoyed the job and hadn't actually fucked it up. as i was sacked i was informed that they couldn't fault my skills or work whatsoever and my references would be glowing. my crime - i'd admitted to an employer for the first time in my work history that the reason for my occasion but above average absenteeism was due to my mental health problems. apparently they needed someone they could depend upon. and what made it worse is that it was all legal.

in the ten months since then i've managed not to be sacked, though i did walk out on a job for islington council in march because the manager was a cunt.

i like my current job now and behave myself. i'll probably be sacked from this one too.
(Tue 14th Aug 2007, 0:14, More)