» Have you ever seen a dead body?

I've just witnessed
the still-twitching corpse of QOTW. I thought things couldn't get any worse than some of the recent ones, but I guess I was wrong...
(Sat 1st Mar 2008, 9:03, More)

» Pet Stories

Clamped
I've decided I can't let this QOTW pass without sharing my own little story. One of many, to be honest...

About 10 years ago, which would make me about 15, I had a cat - still a very young kitten at that stage, which is probably sheds some light on her motives - who subjected me to the most excruciating pain I've ever known.

There I am, lying on the sofa on a Satuday afternoon when I start drifting off. Just as I shut my eyes, I felt the cat land on my stomach. Fair enough, furry little animal will keep me warm.

Shortly afterwards, I woke up with a start. Small cat had climbed UNDER my T-shirt and (feeling hungry) clamped itself to MY RIGHT NIPPLE!

For the record, I am a bloke. I have never lactated.

After a 2 minute struggle I finally managed to remove cat without losing said body part...

It's fair to say I don't let pets near me while I sleep these days!
(Wed 13th Jun 2007, 20:12, More)

» Thrown away: The stuff you loved and lost.

Not me...
... but a friend.

A few of us are organising a trip to next year's Grand National, as is tradition in our group. I mentioned it to one of the lads in work, and he seemed keen. Assuming he knew next to nothing about the gee-gees, I explained to him that he'd have to budget some cash to lose; that he should expect to end up down for the weekend, because the only real winner is the bookie.

Born in Nepal, he's only been over here for a few years. Keen to embrace the culture of his new home, he takes part in things that are typically British. I was surprised to hear though, that he likes a bet on the National every year.

I was even more surprised to hear that he'd put 3 each-way bets on last year's race, and that all 3 had come in 1-2-3. Feeling smug with himself, he puts his betting slips on the kitchen table and nips off for a shower before going out to collect his winnings (about £120, so I'm told).

His aunt sees the scraps of crumpled paper on the table and assumes they're rubbish - doesn't just throw them out, but tears 'em up for good measure. My mate's philosophy? "At least it wasn't an accumulator..." Poor bastard. I'd have been gutted.
(Thu 14th Aug 2008, 23:32, More)

» How nerdy are you?

Deliberate mistake?
I spotted the punctuation error in the QOTW... oh, and I've been involved with a few home movie projects with a couple of friends (not that sort!).

The movie thing started when we were 6th formers (aged about 17 for any 'Merkins out there), and my friend who we shall call "G" started to reminisce about the film he made when he was 7 years old. It was called "The Robbery" and was pretty much what you'd expect of a 7 year old (i.e crap in an endearing sort of way). Skip forward five years to when G was 12... he made "The Robbery 2".

The idea came about - more than likely due to the consumption of shitloads of alcohol - that we should make "The Robbery 3". And so we did. And it was shite, but we had great fun writing, filming and acting in it... thanks to more alcohol...

The more perceptive among you will have spotted that a five-year cycle of film making had been happening; sadly this stopped when it would have been time to make "The Robbery 4", we were all too busy with finishing uni and trying to blag our first proper jobs (not strictly true, we made another couple of films over the intervening years, so the cycle was already messed up, although the "The Robbery" franchise, for want of a better word, was left untouched). Let's face it, on previous evidence none of us would ever make it as actors/scriptwriters/producers/directors.

However, 2009 sees the 20th anniversary of G's first film. Frankly, it's an opportunity we can't let go of. Other friends have heard about our plans and are surprisingly keen on being involved. This fact concerns me, as it means that our other friends are as nerdy as us - possibly more so.

A couple of points...

- The Robbery 3 (or TR3 as we sadly call it when we talk about it - which is surprisingly often) was filmed mainly on location at G's house. The scenes in his bedroom - stop sniggering at the back - feature a Star Trek Next Generation wall clock.
- Part of the soundtrack was ripped off from a Quantum Leap CD
- We Photoshopped a picture of me (badly) to fake a past identity for my character*.
- The obligatory death scene made use of obscene amounts of Tomato Ketchup. Which didn't even show up on the camera we were using. Bah.
- The obligatory shoot-out scene just before the end features me getting shot in the head*; the effect was achieved using tomato ketchup again, and the entry wound was remarkably clean. It looked more like the red dot more usually witnessed on some Asian ladies' foreheads (called a "Bindi", I believe)
- The bullet causing said gunshot wound must have had time-travelling abilities, or proved to be lethal at approximately 0.09735 MPH. Thanks to the complete lack of proper editing equipment (an early minidisc deck, and 2 VCRs) meant that we couldn't sync overdubs very well, the result being that the gunshot was heard about 5 seconds before it killed my character off.
- G and "B" (the other friend involved) have made an extended DVD including all 3 existing robbery films, and featuring optional commentaries for each.
- I have watched said DVD (including commentaries) at least 3 times, and as I type this I can see it (resplendent in its specially-designed DVD case) staring back at me from the shelf.

*Apologies for the plot spoiler.

Length? About 55 minutes for all three films plus commentaries...
(Wed 12th Mar 2008, 21:16, More)

» Crazy Relatives

Southern wankrags...
...can all just fook right off.

Oh, sorry. I thought this was /talk for a second.
(Tue 10th Jul 2007, 20:03, More)