» Crazy Relatives

My great crazy grandfather...
He was a bit off his rocker bless him, he used to wake up every morning, go down to the local cornershop (in his slippers and dressing gown) and buy a loaf of bread and some marmalade, go home and then go back to sleep. he'd wake up again later on in the morning, thinking that it was the next day, go down to the cornershop and by another loaf and some more marmalade. He didnt even notice the piles of the stuff in the kitchen! Eventually my mum had to tell the guy at the cornershop not to serve him more than once.
(Thu 5th Jul 2007, 23:59, More)

» Why I was late

A couple here
One of these belongs to a friend of mine, i believe he said "sorry im late..... my grandmother was on fire" i dont quite think i can explain that one.

Another one that i personally used (to no avail i might add) was that id been locked in homebase all night and failed to get home in time to do my coursework. I even remember making up a 10 minute detailed back story just so they might of passed it off as something that really happened heh heh.
(Mon 2nd Jul 2007, 1:50, More)

» Your first cigarette

I've never smoked myself... i would but i cant afford it : P
But i can recall someone elses first puff.. paticularly because it was vile now that i think about it.
Ben (i wont name his surname despite being an utter cunt now) and i (both aged about 14) were on our way back from school through a residential bit when he found a fag butt on the ground with a bit left, trodden on but still smouldering.
He offered it to me.
I declined.
I think i laughed as he choked and i still do now with the hope that he's contracted some sort of foul disease (hopefully aids) from his resultant foray into addictive substances.... or from the gob on that cigarette.

Length?....... [Cock joke]
(Thu 20th Mar 2008, 19:23, More)

» Insults

A couple
I called someone a cockpit once, the twat went "oh so im a cockpit am i, well whats that then?" trying to be smart but obviously missing the reference. "its where you take it up the arse you dozy cunt!" he went a little red.
-
After a heated childhood slanging match andrew was all out of good insults, i called him a cocksucking horsebanging shitbag. he replied with this absolute gem "well youre a.............. a.... BLOODY GIT!" ive never laughed so much in my childhood.
(Tue 9th Oct 2007, 22:06, More)

» Best Graffiti Ever

Prayer of thy bog
I saw this in a toilet once, i forget where but it tickled me never the less: "here you sit now on thy shitter, dump or piss thy choice is yours, if you find thy setting bitter, may this prayer brighten its doors".

pretty eloquent eh? still i dont know why this person cant grab the concept of pissing and shitting at the same time.....

oh yeah someone had put "fuck off jews" at the bottom of it.
.....Reeeeeal smart huh
(Tue 8th May 2007, 21:16, More)