» Asking people out

Ring my bell
I'd never had much success with asking out the girls through my schooling years, and I was adamant that it was time for a change. It was the early '90s and I was slowly approaching 14 as the new school year started. A face full of spots and curtains that curled so far round I looked like I had binoculars on my forehead, I was oblivious to my pending failure.

With the new school year came new class mates, and so there she was, my new object of desire. She was a fair bit taller than me and had a blonde bob, her bra shone through her blouse sending my hormones into a frenzy. It was a foolproof plan! She didn't know how popular I was(n't) in the school, so wooing her shouldn't be too much of a problem. I just had to act fast before the truth became apparent...

Naturally, my self esteem was never too high after taking several knockbacks through the years, so 'fast' turned into watching her mingle with the cool and popular kids while I hatched my foolproof plan...


I would call her.
I would ring her up and ask her out.

What could possibly go wrong? I'm not confident enough to speak to her in person, I just need to find out her phone number and then give her a call.
I set my friends on the case. A few of them travelled on the same bus to school as her, so it shouldn't be too hard for them to find out.

A couple of days later I was passed a slip of paper with a few numbers jotted down on it, and "Go for it" written underneath. I looked up to my friend and smiled wide. This was it. This little slip of paper would be the end to my spree of singledom.

That evening I rushed home, watched Neighbours and ate my tea in a fluster, anticipating the evening's success.
I'd already rehearsed everything I was going to say, everything for this very moment.
Confident that nothing could go wrong I lifted up the handset, heart pounding in my chest, and pushed the buttons in.

"Hello?" - a man's reply. No worry, it's probably her dad.
- "Oh hello, could I please speak to S?"
I'd played it cool. It could have been a foil in my plan, but I was past one hurdle.

"Hello, this is S" came the response
- "Hi... Uh, it's RM from School... I was uhm, I was wondering if you'd go out with me?"
"No."
- "What?" I shrieked.

How could she let me down?! and so cold! I was convinced it was a certain match?!

"I said no, weirdo." - her voice broke, and she suddenly sounded a lot more gruff than before.

My head slowly put the pieces together as I realised this was not her number, and it most certainly was not her.

I mumbled an expletive and hung up. My heart was broken and my limited reputation suddenly shattered into pieces.

The next day at school I was met with many laughs as they retold the story from their perspective. Several people all huddled around a phone in the village phonebox trying to listen in as I confessed my love to them all.

The teasing eventually stopped, and I grew older and wiser. Now just leave it to alcohol.

Cheers!
(Thu 10th Dec 2009, 14:57, More)

» The Dirty Secrets of Your Trade

My friend
used to work at a popular supermarket (One of the top ones in England, anyway).

One evening in the chilled area at the back of the store, they were messing around and knocked over a tub of pizza-sauce, which went all over the floor. Nevermind, they just grabbed the lid and scooped it back in...

Tasty!
(Thu 27th Sep 2007, 14:16, More)