» The worst sex I ever had

Not me but a mate
My mate Ben was at his older sisters party when he pulled one of her mates. They decided to take a walk into the park behind.

They get a bit amorous and end up going for it next to a canal.

Job done my mate rolls off this bird and she stands up. Being the cunt that my mate is he decides to do one of the worst post coitus acts I've ever heard of.

As she's pulling up her knickers he kicks her straight in the arse and laughs as she falls head first down a dirt bank and into the canal.

Classy guy.
(Mon 18th Jun 2007, 6:19, More)

» Why I was late

I wish it was just an excuse
Pulled some bird and went back to hers. Next morning she had to leave early for work but let me stay a little longer. Eventually get up and make my way downstairs. She lived in Walthamstow in a house split into two flats with a communal front door. Turns out the other flat has double bolted the door.

Fuck. 10 years ago so didn’t have a mobile. Turned around to go back into her flat so I could call her to come and let me out. The door to her flat has closed behind me and now I’m locked in a 12 foot x 3 foot corridor in pissing Walthmastow. Fuck.

Started laughing about the situation until it dawns on me that she’s not coming home for another 10 hours and start to feel a little faint. Have to lie down as the claustrophobia takes hold. Start to panic and really need to do a shit.

Prise open the letterbox and study the road outside hoping to catch someones attention. First person walking by is a kid.

“Oi.” Kid looks around. “Oi, over here.” Kid looks confused until he see half a face in the letterbox. He comes over but he can’t speak any English. I try and tell him to get help and he wanders off. Next thing I hear some man shouting and this kid starts crying. Must have been his dad telling him not to fuck about with strange men in letterboxes. See the kid hurry by on the other side of the road.

Half an hour later a street sweeper comes past. After he’s stopped pissing himself laughing he asks me what I expect him to do about it. “I don’t know, call the police?”
“Alright then.” And he wanders off. Comes back about half an hour later. “I’ve called the police – they’ll come but they said it’s not a priority.”
“Cheers mate.”

Two fucking hours later some twat of a policeman turns up. “What seems to be the problem, Sir?”
“I’m stuck in a pissing corridor, mate. That’s the cocking problem.”
“What about going out the backdoor, Sir?”
“No you retard, I’m stuck in this corridor, I can’t get round the back.”

Eventually he goes off and calls this girl at work. Apparently they announced over a tannoy that there was a man locked in her house and could she please go and let him out. Quite embarrassing for her she later tells me.

She has to come all the way from South Kennsington which takes another hour and a half. As soon as she turns up I sprint upstairs to unload the mother of all shits and then finally leave that bastard place.

Turn up at work six hours late and have to explain the whole thing to my boss. He threatened to sack me if it happened again. WTF.
(Mon 2nd Jul 2007, 2:23, More)

» Too much information

Mates, eh?
In a crowded pub beer garden my mate told the story of his first ever lads holiday to Shagaluf. The conversation had already been quite rotten and some of the other patrons were giving us evil eyes. We didn’t care. We were being hilarious and if they didn’t like it they could fuck off. My mate decided to up the ante.

He was sharing a room with a mate, a double bed in fact, and had gone home early because he was knackered. About an hour later he was woken to the sound of his mate entering the room with a very pissed female companion.

“Ere, we can’t do it with your mate there.”
“Don’t worry about him, he’ll sleep through everything.

They proceed to get into bed and rut like horny pigs. She’s moaning and he’s grunting and my mate is trying to shut the whole thing out.

“I’m nearly there.”
“Oi, don’t cum in me.”
“Don’t worry sweet heart.”
“I mean it, don’t fucking cum in me.”
“Your alright sweetheart, I’m… I’m…I’m…”

It’s at this point my mate feels a hot jet up his back. He wasn’t happy.

Cue a lot of disgusted people making a rather noisy exit from the beer garden.
(Fri 7th Sep 2007, 7:16, More)

» Accidental animal cruelty

Aunt's dog
When I was 19 I was backpacking around the world with 3 of my mates. One of the stops on our trip was New Zealand where my aunt lives. Now, she lives on a farm that has a river that meanders through it, something I remembered from visiting her in my childhood.

We had only just arrived and put our backpacks down when I suggested a stroll down to the river, to a little shaded spot that was very picturesqe. In reality I was keen to smoke a spliff and wanted to get away from the prying eyes of my aunt.

So off we toddled down to the waters edge with her big fat labrador waddling along behind us.
When we got to the river you could see that it was still very swollen from the recent inclement weather they'd had over the proceeding weeks. The water was much higher, dirtier and faster flowing than I remembered it. It was such a raging torrent that it looked a little scary. I joked about throwing a stick into the middle of it to see if the dog would fetch it. We laughed about how fucked the dog would be if it did jump in the river - and how much trouble I'd be in if I lost my aunts dog within 30 minutes of arriving at the farm.

Anyways, we smoked a couple of spliffs and decided to make our way back to the house for a spot of lunch. Just before I left to go I absentmindedly picked up a stone to see if I could skim it across the water. No sooner had it left my hand than this stupid fat dog leapt off the bank into the river.

Oh, fuck!

We all stood in silence and watched helplessly as this dog was hurtled down stream at a rate of knots, head bobbing below the waters surface as it slowly became smaller and smaller before disappearing out of view as the river rounded a bend.

OH, FUCK!

We all stared at each other in shock - having only moments earlier been joking about this situation and all the various scenarios that may play out, we were now faced with the very real problem of having to explain to my aunt that I had, in fact, just lost her pride and joy, a 12 year old dog that I remembered from my childhood.

I really didn't know what to do - and being stoned wasn't helping the situation. We threw a couple of ideas out there.
"What dog?"
"It jumped in the river before we could get there to stop it."
"It was looking a bit depressed when we arrived."
"I guess it must have been it's time."

None of these looked like they would carry any weight so I decided honesty was the best policy and we'd better just go back and face the music.

Walking back I was so nervous. My aunt is a nice woman but she could be a real bitch as well and would think nothing of tearing a few strips off me. I also knew how much she loved the dog and how upset she was going to be. I was dreading this.

As we approached the house my aunt came out to meet us at the front door, all smiles and welcoming. My mates began to lag back, not wanting to be involved in what was about to go down.

With tears starting to well up in my eyes, I started to explain that I didn't mean to and it was the last thing I wanted to happen but I had managed to send her dog to it's watery grave. Just as I started to profusely apologise, the fat little shit came sauntering out of the house and stood beside it's master.

Turns out the dog goes swimming in the river every day and follows the river around the corner where it gets ouut and runs home.
(Fri 7th Dec 2007, 1:07, More)

» Sleepwalking

My cousin
Whilst fast asleep, got out of his bed, walked down the hall and then down the stairs, opened the front door, walked down the road about 500 yards, opened the front door of a house (small country town, no one locked their doors), walked down the hall, entered the master bedroom and climbed into bed with a random couple.

He awoke in the morning at the same time as this woman who had her arms around him.

“You’re not my mum.”
“You’re not my son.”

And then they both started screaming. He gets up and pegs it out of the room but being a house he’d never been in before he couldn’t find the way out. He was running from room to room trying to find the front door whilst this woman kept screaming hysterically.

Eventually he made it out but he was pretty traumatised after that and found it very hard to sleep for weeks after.
(Thu 23rd Aug 2007, 5:21, More)