» Bastard Colleagues

Transatlantic Onions
A number of years ago before I went 'cards in' I was an IT contractor. I landed a decent cushy role based in a well known firm's head office in Manchester city centre. There, we'd attend various faults with users' computer equipment and on occasions we'd be given jobs for various directors who were known as 'onions' (fuck knows why). Their fault calls took precedent over the every day lowly minions and we'd get told by the helpdesk manager "Be careful how you talk to him, he's an onion!" I politely informed the manager that I treat everybody the same, irrespective of their status and if that's unacceptable then we're going to have a problem. But that's another story...

Anyway, I got a call to do a job for a particular onion. Upon entering his office I immediately noticed it to be festooned with American paraphernalia. He had the star spangled banner on a pole behind his chair, like you see on US TV shows in sheriff's offices and classrooms. On the wall was a huge ten gallon hat and on the other side of the office was a marble plinth on which stood a stuffed Bald Eagle.

I had to stifle laughter as soon as he spoke. "Oh howdy young man! Come on in!" Now this wasn't an American accent as such but a really shite mid Atlantic accent trying very hard to be American. You know the type, used by crap celebrities when they've spent a weekend in New York and want to sound all international. He was blatantly putting it on as some of the phrases were inconsistent and out of context. "Y'all gonna fix my darn compooter?"

Sensing an opportunity for a subtle piss take, I replied "sure thing!" Thankfully, it was only a blown fuse in the plug which I replaced from my toolkit. I made sure it switched on and he didn't have any more problems and then I left his office, past the wall mounted six shooter in it's holster complete with belt and bullets and the picture of JFK.

When I got back to the office, I quietly asked a member of staff what this man was all about with his overt love of Americana.

"Yeah, we all thought that too. He spoke with a local accent and had a normal office. Then a couple of years ago, he went on holiday for a week and came back all Yankee" I asked what part of America he went to to come back so influenced. "Well that's just it you see. He went to Canada!"

Not a bastard as such but a pretentious fellow.
(Sat 26th Jan 2008, 10:58, More)

» Stupid Dares

The hardest kid in school
One day when we were in the 2nd year of junior school, probably around 1982, we decided to have a game of dares. The class bully decided that I shoud go up to the hardest kid in school who was in the 4th year and boot him as hard as I could or suffer the consequences.

I remember walking up to him whilst he was with all of his equally hard mates and without warning, toe bunged him right in the shin. He immediately grabbed hold of me and screamed in my petrified face, "What the fuck was that for you stupid dickhead?" "He made me!" I replied, pointing over at the sniggering little ginger twat who had made my life hell since we started school. "[class bully] said that if I didn't, he'd batter me!"

He shoved me to the ground and made his way over to the class bully and administered what seemed like a profound beating. He then returned to me and warned me of the consequences if I did anything like that again.

So what started out as a stupid dare left me feeling quite pleased with myself! I'd booted the hardest kid in school under threat of violence and as a result, got my persecutor twatted!

Happy days!
(Fri 2nd Nov 2007, 16:10, More)

» Pathological Liars

Don't die of ignorance.
It was the early to mid 1980's. We had a kid in our class at school called Keith. Keith was, in no uncertain terms, a lying bastard. Not a malicious liar but one who must have thought that everybody was born yesterday. At the time, AIDS had just come to the public's attention, being reported on the news amidst a spate of mysterious deaths amongst the gay community.

Now Keith had been off school for nearly two weeks and upon his return we asked "Keith, what's been wrong with you? Wagging it were you?"

To our astonishment, he replied "Oh, er, yeah, I've had that AIDS thing!"

In our complete ignorance, we all pointed at him, laughed and shouted "Haaaaa! Gaylord!"

Prior to this, I believe he was the first boy in our class to start his periods.

Yeah, I know.
(Thu 29th Nov 2007, 20:46, More)

» Pointless Experiments

Boom!
This is one I tried about 20 years ago...

Remember those green bulbs containing compressed CO2 that went into soda syphons? I nicked one from my grandparent's cupboard, wrapped it in strips of old towel doused in WD40 and lit it at the bottom of my mum and dad's garden

I cautiously watched from behind the shed, peering out with my safety glasses (ski goggles from the trip in second year) when all of a sudden an explosion boomed out sending what seemed like a shock wave around the neighbourhood. About 5 of the neighbours came running out wondering what was going on.

"What was that? Did you hear that?" the woman next door asked. "Dunno" I replied, "probably a car backfiring or something."
"Oh, er...OK......Erm, why are you wearing skiing goggles?"
(Fri 25th Jul 2008, 15:50, More)

» My sex misconceptions

Kids say the daftest things
Last January, my kids came home from school after the Christmas holidays telling my wife and I all about how the classroom pets had had babies.

During the break there had been mice xmas conceptions.

I'm so very sorry....
(Thu 25th Sep 2008, 16:26, More)