» Your first cigarette

Snuff escapades...
First post; be gentle.

I've never smoked a cigarette/drugs, due to my Dad smoking when I was a kid and I couldn't stand the smell (to be fair to the fella, he did only smoke in the kitchen or on the patio, so I only inhaled it whilst around him). I once had a puff on a cigar thanks to a friend at some drunken party, and almost threw my guts up because not only did I clumsily inhale the smoke, it also tasted like mouth-rape. Anyhow, enough background, on with the story...

Cut to a few years later, I am now at University, 3rd year, living with my friend Tim who convinced me to try that cigar. Tim is trying to wean himself off cigarettes since becoming a full timer in year one, and turned to the brown powder that comes in tins not entirely dissimilar to the containers of pocket packs of vaseline. One night, we were out and he offers me some snuff over a few beers.
'No thanks,' I tell him and return to my drink.
'Why not?' he demands.
'Because I don't want to,' I said.
'That's not a reason,' was his instant response. Did I mention he is a philosophy student?

Cue TWO HOURS of trying to explain the metaphysics of reason, in which I was chastised for assuming he knew the background of my dislike of nicotine, taking things into body etc. (Which he did. Also, I do realise that drinking is counter-productive here!) We eventually agreed to disagree, so I decided it was time to go. As I stood up, someone bumped into me, turning my white shirt into the colour of snakebite. As if my night wasn't good enough already.

And that is why I don;t like smoking, or its incarnates, at all.

Length? All apologies, too long for a first time. Oh, cocks.
(Thu 20th Mar 2008, 2:59, More)

» When Animals Attack

My dog Gilly...
...is a crossbred Collie/Spaniel. She's the most docile yet lunatic animal I've ever come across. Since leaving for uni, she sleeps on my bed at home, waiting for me to come back! Awwww. But it is Gilly's tale of survival I must tell...

We once owned a rabbit called 'Anfield' (Scouse roots you see), and because we are lovely people, we boarded up the bottom of our fence, and opened the hutch every morning so Anfield could run around in the daytime, lest he be stuck in a hutch all day. We had a fair sized garden, and it was always fun to watch the rabbit from the behind the patio doors.

Which is what Gilly liked to do. One day, we let her out for a waz in the afternoon, and she bounded up to the rabbit, bouncing around him, sticking her arse in the air, tail whirring like a helicopter blade, wanting him to play with her. Anfield just sat there and wiggled his nose. Realising she was getting nowhere, Gilly turned and began to trot away. At this point, Anfield leapt forward, and latched onto Gilly's tail via his mouth. The yelp could be heard from behind the patio doors, and Gilly started sprinting around the garden, dragging the rabbit around the washing line again and again. He eventually let go, and Gilly mournfully mooched back to the door, looking thoroughly embarassed. It was hilarious to watch.

I'm sure the rabbit looked pleased with himself.
(Thu 1st May 2008, 15:31, More)

» Social Networking Gaffes

Also Friends Reunited...
A mate and I joined at school so we could rip it out of our teachers at the time should they be on there. We used 1986 as our leaving-school date, since it was the year of our births and easy to remember.

The joke has been on us because I keep getting emails from people claiming to know us. I just wonder how many people there are with my name.
(Thu 11th Sep 2008, 17:57, More)

» Public Transport Trauma

I try to avoid public transport...
...if I can help it. I used to have to get the train to school everyday when I was a little Stig. I walk everywhere I can now, only using my car when necessary. However, one day I was on the train and I felt something hard poke my leg. Glancing down, a guy was either rubbing against me, or hopefully, his mobile phone had turned around in his pocket, and was now prominently pointing towards my thigh. I hope it was the latter, because I took that idea to heart and started doing it to annoy other fucking irritating school children.

The other thing myself and some friends used to do was to sniff people that were facing away from us, then snap back into normal positions when they looked. Good lord it was immature, but people get so paranoid, knowing there is no chance of them making a subtle attempt to check their own smell in a crowded train.
(Thu 29th May 2008, 17:16, More)