» My most gullible moment

Praise the Lord...
I can't really pinpoint when my most gullible moment was, but I'm guessing it was the time I decided to join the Church.

I was only young, so i probably didn't know any better.

I grew up in a rather broken home, with a disabled mother and angry father. I felt the brunt of his anger a fair few times. Oh, and he was a bodybuilding champion, so it made it worse. In reality, he was suffering from a crippling depression, and needed psychiatric help. Probably due to some repressed childhood experience, but I digress.

My mother, my brother and I took solace from the community spirit we found in the Church. Community spirit we thought came from the 'power of God.' I lapped up the Bible stories, my voracious knowledge of them infuriating my stridently atheist father even more. A few years later, my mother made a nigh on impossible recovery from her disability - a massive spinal injury btw - which we saw as a miracle. I'm still not sure that this wasn't some divine act, it certainly wasn't will-power related...

In a 'Road to Damascus' moment, my father turns to God. He joins our Church. Double result. plain sailing from now on? Oh no. It could never be THAT simple.

The anger continued. if anything, it got worse. But now the church elders intervened. 'You must submit to your husband', they told my mother. 'It says it in the Bible.' Any self-respecting woman would have walked out. She stuck by him just as she had done when she was disabled. Believing all the crap that was supposedly 'sent from heaven.'

I suffered quite a serious breach of trust by someone in the church, details of which i shall withhold, for now. You can make your own mind up, but the long and the short of it was that I suffered a nervous breakdown at the age of 8. I was bullied by my teacher, herself a member of the Church. (this isn't just one church, this is the Church in general) I descended into depression. Only a move away from my dreadful church-run school saved me from another breakdown. They did similar (if not worse) things to my brother. it wouldn't be fair to mention all of them, but he was humiliated on a school trip. By the Headmaster, no less. Cunts, the lot of them.

I, for some reason, rejoined the Church a few years later, after a couple of years in exile. I thought I'd just had a bad run. Christians are supposed to be God's messengers on Earth, after all.

it was good for a couple of years. I made some good friends. Then I went away to uni. Dared to have a girlfriend who wasn't a Christian. Dared to *gasp* sleep with her. Outside of marriage? the fires of Hell for you! I was constantly bombarded with questions about my private life upon my return. 'You shouldn't be doing things like that', they'd say. trying to control my life. The same way they'd tried to control my mum's life, and succeeded for years. My parents, incidentally, had left the Church. Their marriage was going great, still is. Coincidence?

There were 2 final nails in the coffin. A few years ago, an old friend had realised that he was gay. But he couldn't be gay - he was a Christian! What was he to do? Confused, he confided in someone from his church. He was told he'd need counselling, and Jesus could help him be 'freed from the demon of homosexuality.' Then, the following Sunday, someone from the same Church preached a sermon about not being afraid to die for Jesus.

He killed himself the next day. Chucked himself off a cliff, no less. His family were distraught. He had a fiancee at the time, a lovely girl. She was obviously devastated. His best friend had missed a call from him that morning, through sheer carelessness. I can only imagine how he must have felt. He was only 23. The same age I am now.

Then a couple of years later, I lost another friend, in a car crash. He wasn't a Christian, and it was during a conversation with one of my Christian (former) friends, that I was informed that he would be in Hell. Because he didn't believe in Jesus.

I just couldn't accept this any more. How could someone who was loved by so many (the church was rammed at his funeral, people were spilling outside) being burning under the fires of eternal damnation, and the same Christians who bullied me and my brother at school, humiliated us in front of everyone, be resting in heaven when they die? No fucking way.

It is only now that i can look back and see that I was conned. I was conned into believing a Bible that is merely a propaganda tool, to subjugate women and oppress those who don't believe, I was conned into thinking I was part of a unique family: any member of any club can claim to be part of a community, bound by a shared interest: what makes believing in a God you can't see so different? They told me that life as a Christian was wonderful. They lied.

I still believe that there is a God, although I utterly reject the 'God' I grew up believing in. Judging by what I've seen and experienced, I'm beginning to think I was communing with the Devil.

Apologies for length, it was about 21 years before I realised the error of my ways.
(Thu 21st Aug 2008, 20:16, More)

» The worst sex I ever had

Cold hard floor
This one will stay with me for a long time.

It was September 2005 and I'd just had my relationship with a lovely girl ended by her, mainly cos things just weren't working etc, you've all heard the drill. We're just good friends and all that jazz. Quality girl though, now one of my best mates. i digress.

It was Monday night at our uni, the main cattle-market, and, much to my joy, the first Monday of Freshers night, and, to make it even better, school disco night. Cue lots of short short SHORT skirts, low cut blouses and jail-bait for all the world to see. There were so many women, i just HAD to bag a fresher. Didn't I?

A few hours in and all is not going to plan. Girls are rejecting my spurious advances and sidling awkwardly out of my way. Damn, Maybe I'm just desperate. fuck it, i thought, who cares, I'll just get wasted. Which i proceeded to do, until 'she' caught my eye.

Standing there, smoking and looking a bit pissed off, was Ann-Marie (name not changed, you'll find out why later. No, she's not dead. As far as I know). An attractive red-head, odd but nice enough. And plus I was fucked. So I started dancing near her, then one thing led to another and we were tonguing each others tonsils like there was no tomorrow. So far, so good. But then it all started to get a little strange.

I should have seen it coming when the first thing she said to me was 'you're coming home wi' me tonight' in a crazy Ulster accent. incidentally, i love the Ulster accent and it gives me the horn, even with guys (it's never the 'wrong' pub with me;)), but there was a certain something odd about her voice.

I should have seen it coming when she bent over in front of me and touched her toes before grinding onto my rather surprised cock, all in the middle of the dancefloor, in front of a bouncer who just gave me the ultimate 'wtf' look.

Perhaps i should have even seen it coming when she started parading me to all her friends who were waiting for taxis after the bar had closed.

But no. In true Pacman style, i had to wait until it was too late.

We got back to hers, and sat smoking weed with her housemates, no harm done, they were pretty sound, nice black girl, ultra-camp guy, that kind of 'performing' house. ABBA on the stereo. No harm done.

The she disappeared and returned wearing nothing but a turquoise blue nightie (hmmm) and proceeded to eat a block of cheese. Now, i cannot stand cheese, unless it's mozzarella and on a pizza. This was cheddar. How am i supposed to kiss her now, i thought? I prayed for her to have another cigarette. She did.

we eventually went upstairs, doubts are really starting to sink in by this point, but I realise I might as well do the deed, as I've got no way of finding my way back to my house, which is a good 7 miles away. We start making out, hot and heavy, except I'm feeling a bit awkward.

I started grinding on her, and she declared that she had already come. Okay....

She slipped a condom on my now diminishing member and started to suck me off with sheath covering my manhood. Hang on, aren't you supposed to take... oh, never mind.

We started having sex, and she was making bizarre 'ooh' and 'ahh' noises, really odd sounding. She was also rather 'well-exercised', but only in a loose way. Most unsavoury.

After a while I decide that I just can't be bothered, tense up for a bit and pull out. Worst shag ever. Still is, years later.

Alas, if only it had ended there. I crashed out on her bed, and she started to cuddle me. More and more ferociously, then she began to grab my flaccid cock. What are you doing?! We've finished! What the devil is wrong with you woman?!! I shrugged her off but she continued, to the point where I could take no more. I slept on her floor. her hard, cold floor, with only my shirt to keep me covered. it didn't work very well. I eventually got to sleep at about 4, and awoke at 5. Lovely. I lay there and waited for the clock to tick by, most agonising wait of my life, and then got up at half seven and left to get back to uni. Bugger.

I still told people that I was some kind of sex hero, and no-one knew the truth until a few months later. I'm up the bar again, this time in march 2006, and I get chatting to her housemates. having not seen her for six months, i enquire of her whereabouts.

Oh, they say, she doesn't live here any more. We evicted her.

How so, say i?

I quoth thus: 'We crashed out on the sofa, and she wouldn't leave me alone (this is black girl talking). She kept fondling me. I promptly told her where to get off, but she kept doing it. Then we did some research and found out that she'd been released from a mental home prior to moving into our house.'

I fucked a mental.

As one of my mates put it, 'you do pick 'em.'

Apologies for length, but not that it mattered, she was a mental.
(Fri 15th Jun 2007, 20:17, More)

» My Biggest Disappointment

Many Things
I am disappointed with lots, mainly about living in the era we do now.

I'm disappointed when I read/listen to/watch/hear people complaining about 'immigrants taking our jobs.' For a start, they're not 'our jobs' to start with, they're the jobs of the companies that provide them, and they can give them to whomever they like.

Secondly, the people you hear complaining about such 'injustices' are mainly lazy white English people, who sit and watch Jeremy Kyle, munch on junk food and read Hello magazine. They don't bother to get off their overfed arses and actually *get* a job themselves, they make a half-arsed effort in interviews and on applications and then complain because a Pole or an Afghan makes a decent effort to show up dressed for the occasion, or get some help writing their CV. Hell, if someone who barely speaks English can write a decent CV, surely they must be able to, having been to school here, brought up with English speaking family and friends around them. 'oh, but they give free help to immigrants, innit', i hear them say. Well guess what, fuck-knuckles, I asked for guidance on my CV and I got it, free of charge.

Thirdly, if an immigrant thinks he can do my job better than me, I welcome him to try (this is quite similar to a Maddox rant). Are these people seriously afraid that a foreign worker will show them up? What kind of moron is afraid of a little competition? I like to think that if someone of different ethnicity does better at my job than me, it's because I'm not working hard enough, or they are just better. Not because of some conspiracy by 'lefty liberals'. Why would anyone alienate the indigenous workforce on purpose? It's absurd.

Also, I hardly think the immigrants huddle in packs and single out people to 'steal their jobs'. How the fuck do you steal a job anyway? it's as ridiculous as stealing their morals.
the main culprits in the media are the Daily Mail and the Sun. individuals as Lowrie Turner and Richard Littlejohn.

I am slightly concerned about the effect that illegal immigration has on us as an island, and a small one at that (surely it's always been logical to go from the island to the mainland...), both socio-economically and culturally, but maybe my fears will be allayed by simply sitting back and looking at it from a different perspective. I certainly don't believe that blaming immigrants for increases in crime will help (surely if there are more people in a country then crime levels will go up anyway, it doesn't matter what colour they happen to appear), and I downright reject the culture of excuse that we have fostered in this country.

If the Mail etc turn out to be right, and we are 'overrun' with immigrants in 20 years time, (interesting comparison to a rat infestation, never seen that before of course...) it will only be because publications like themselves stirred up a feeling of helplessness and apathy among the British people. We would never have won WW2 if we had been fixated on the fact that the Germans might possibly win, and generated fear of German attack. By being positive, and finding a way to use the situation to our advantage, we can end up with things working out for the best.

A message to the next person who is tempted to swallow the crap that these scaremongers feed you: next time you apply for a job, there may well be immigrants challenging for your position. But show the employer that you are the best for that job, that no-one can touch your level of suitability, and that you are not afraid of anything they throw at you.

I'm also disappointed with local radio, and blowjobs.
(Sun 29th Jun 2008, 23:05, More)

» Conned

Uncle
My Uncle Bill used to let me play with his ferret. It had lost all its hair in an ironing accident, and occasionally threw up everywhere.

Then i found out he wasn't my uncle at all! What a con artist!
(Sat 20th Oct 2007, 18:24, More)

» My sex misconceptions

People in my church
had a major misconception about the vicar. They said he was gay. I know for a fact that wasn't true: His cock never tasted of shit.






I'll get my coat.
(Thu 25th Sep 2008, 19:04, More)