» Complaining

My jelly...
One of my best friends complains the best I have ever know... he got annoyed when his local Sainsbury put up the price of jelly, so he wrote a letter of complaint... he's not a simpleton, he just liked to complain

Subject: Jelly
Comments:

Is someone able to offer an explanation as to why the price of Sainsbury’s Basics Jelly has increased in price by 100%?
Last month I enjoyed a flush of well-timed good fortune, when the cost for a packet of Basics Jelly decreased by £0.01. I mentioned as much in a letter to my mother, saying how it's not all doom and gloom and maybe we can weather the financial storm. I chose not to contact you seeking an explanation as, rather selfishly, this was clearly in my favour and b) the decrease in cost is fairly small. So imagine my incontinent rage on recognising the once £0.07 Sainsbury’s Basics Jelly is now the £0.14 Sainsbury’s Basics Jelly. I could only purchase one packet of Sainsbury’s Basics Jelly. I usually buy three. I haven’t been had jelly for two weeks. When jelly was £0.08 I would purchase three packets a month at a cost of £0.24. The earlier mentioned price decrease provided a financial boon, three packets at a cost of £0.21. Now, even using my original budget of £0.24 (which would once stretch to three packets) will now only buy me one.
If fuel increased in cost by 100% there would be some kind of explanation. So why not with jelly?

I look forward to a swift and accurate response.
Mr Ben

Subject: RE: Our Products - General information

Dear Mr Ben

Thank you for your email. It is important to us that every email we receive is fully investigated before we reply. I hope you will understand and accept my apologies for he time it has taken to respond.

I am sorry you are unhappy with the price of our Basics jelly. I understand how disappointed you must be that the price has risen by 100%.

We know how important it is to offer our customers high quality products at great prices and we work very hard to make sure we achieve this. We continually review our prices and check over 15,000 prices against our competition each week to make certain we are always competitive.

In the current climate, prices are moving up and down quite quickly and many raw material and production costs have also increased. We have held the price of the jelly for a substantial period. While we try to absorb the increases for as long as we can, we have now had to pass some of these costs on to our customers. I am sorry this means you can now buy only one jelly each month.

When raw material costs move down, we change our prices immediately so that customers can enjoy the benefits as quickly as possible. We passed on the VAT reductions early in December for this reason. We are working hard to make sure we always offer a good mix of offers at any time. I hope that you will spot a deal that suits you on your next visit to our store.

Thank you for taking the time to contact us. I hope I have been able to explain the reasoning behind our price increase. Further to this, I hope the price of the jelly comes down as the global financial position improves and you are able to enjoy three jellies each month.
Kind regards


Customer Manager
(Thu 2nd Sep 2010, 16:44, More)

» Public Sex

HMS Invincible

During my former years, I was a short lived broadcast journalist. I did some cool stuff and even went to the Ivor Novello awards and got to interview Kylie, she was tiny.

But the best thing I ever did [and even now] was a two week placement with NATO, as a journalist for a war exercise they do annually. An embedded journalist, on HMS Invincible, a bloody great big aircraft carrier.

It was basically a big floating hotel, with awesome food, free [we forgot to pay at the end] booze, and free reign of the ship, but this hotel had armed guards and Harrier jump jets waking you up at 6am. But still, was bloody awesome.

The war exercise went well, we did our interviews and had a great time. However, by week 2, my girlfriend of the time, also a journalist, joined us on the ship. Sweet. More fun was had, lots of boozing [the Navy boys can drink – hell the pilots can fly the planes after a hard nights boozing] and one night, me and the girlfriend decided to spend the night, and hell, when are we going to get the chance to have sex on an aircraft carrier again?

Crept off to her bunk room, her room mate was out, so we did the deed, and passed out. Until we were woke by our media liaison officer [oh, we were also told we weren’t allowed to cohabit while on shit, Navy policies] the following morning. “Er, Mrs Stanley, is Stanley in there?” I decided to hide as I thought I’d be in trouble… “Well Mrs Stanley, we don’t mind if he is, just that we can’t find him and we may have to do a ‘man overboard’ which will mean stopping this 20,000 tonne vessel and sending out a search and rescue helicopter at a vast expense”… thought I’d better own up at that point. Still was worth it. Got to have sex on a Navy Warship while Harriers took above us… Awesome.
(Fri 24th Apr 2009, 10:14, More)

» Mobile phone disasters

Bad phone sex…
So it was a fair few years ago when mobiles where all new and special. And everyone had just got one and would answer every call as if their life depended on it.

I was dating a filthy young girl from uni, who shall remain nameless for now, but if you ever fly the orange airline, she works for them… anyway, one amorous night we got it on and played hard.

The young girl had a penchant for bum sex, and well, that was bloody good fun. So while we were getting it on, the request came up for the other side, and I duly obliged my big breasted friend.

“Now… hang on a minute, your new phone has a ‘vibrate’ function doesn’t it?” oh yes it does thinks me, would you like me to try it on your front end while I take you like this? “well, yes I would*” she replies.

So, the new mobile function got a hard and heavy playing, much to the delight of the excited girl. And it wasn’t long before we both finished with mutual satisfaction… and all was good. Until the morning after.

The telephone rings, its Mother Cornish… ‘hello mum, what can I do for you?’ …”well Stanley, I got a call from you last night, and ahem, all I heard was ‘funny’ noises. I just wanted to check that everything was ok?”

Arse. Yup, my mum got to listen, not sure how long for, to my filthy nocturnal activities with a complete, and loud, filth bag. Didn’t use the vibrate function again… she just bought a vibrator instead.


*she’s from Essex and in now way talks like this.
(Thu 30th Jul 2009, 13:46, More)

» Rubbish Towns

Oradour sur Glane
Lazy french fucks haven't bothered to do a thing to this town since the war... could do with a lick of paint or two, if they ever get round to it.
(Fri 30th Oct 2009, 11:27, More)

» Festivals

The Metallica story
Ah this has to be my favourite and then favourite of many of my friends who’ve heard… I think it’s even had some air time on the national radio due to the unfortunate recipient working for a rather larger national radio station.

Anyway, it all started back in 2003, am in Cornwall for my mum’s wedding, which is one day before the Reading Festival – which is being headlined by Metallica. But me and my girlfriend of the time, who we shall call Sarah to protect her minor celebrity status, had no tickets to the fest, and were a good few hundred miles too far south west to be able to enjoy the rocking weekend ahead. We carry on and enjoy my mum’s wedding and do what we do best and get super trashed. Hummn…super trashed.

Next morning, house empty, we’re suffering from the night before, and I’m feeling a little bit sick, plan on a weekend of doing nothing until Sarah’s mate Alan calls up saying he’s managed to get us on the guess list for Reading, do we want in… we’re in Cornwall, with only really suits and shoes on us, no tent, not much cash, no way of getting there… and hadn’t seen my mum to tell her where we were going… but f**k it, lets go. Left my mum a note, got the next train up and off we went….

Awesome, got there just in time to hear the mediocre set from pop wannabes Blink 182, we found a cheap tent and pitched up in the security field, guest passed allowed for that. (also the best supply of free – confiscated – weed at a festival!)

So we’re enjoying the festival, and the highlights it bring – Good Charlotte turning the sky black with bottle being thrown at them, The Libertines finishing a decent set, me sitting next to Colin from a Hundred Reasons, and Colin’s mum.

So Sunday rocks up, and all is set for Metallica. Me and Sarah had drunk plenty for not enough to fall out… all was good. And then they started… awesome. They know how to rock. And my bladder knows when its full. Thought I could ride it out but when ‘For whom the bells tolls’ starts up, the excitement almost gives way. “I need to pee, don’t move back” I shout to Sarah, thinking I could get away with peeing in the pit… I mean, it’s Reading, it’s dark, who would care?

Well unfortunately Sarah didn’t hear me, and moved back, but didn’t know I was peeing until her jeans were soaked with a good few pints worth of warm Stanely pee….and then she smacked me in the face. Hard. Three times. Oh she wasn’t happy.

So we have a little break from each other… but unfortunately no matter how far we wandered ff away from each other, we just ended back stood next to each other. Ah bugger… I knew I wasn’t going to get a kiss and make up but… “nothing else matters” strikes up “I want to go on your shoulders…” but you’re covered in pee “Yes, your pee, now up I go” which was only fair… so for the rest of the gig, on her own whim, I had to stand with piss soaked jeans wrapped around my neck… ah but it was so worth it. Best gig I’ve ever been too.

Length, I’d say almost two pints.
(Mon 8th Jun 2009, 11:10, More)