» Easiest Job Ever

An
ex girlfriend of mine worked as a nanny
(3 weeks on one week off) for a fairly rich family,

other than her usual job of feeding and dressing the
little munchkins she would take them to school which
was a 30 minute train journey through picturesque
countryside to a posh school in London
and then spend the day shopping and being paid for it
(easiest job ever), she would then pick them up after school
and catch the train back, the children were always
quite hyper on the train so she would play spot
the animals as it would always calm them down.

One day on the train she saw a heard of cows and yelled
excitedly "look moo moo cows" all the business men and women
looked at her as if she was from planet nutjob.
It slowly dawned on her she was on her week off and she was on her own.
Needless to say she wanted the ground to swallow her and promptly legged it into the end carriage.
(Tue 14th Sep 2010, 13:22, More)

» The B3TA Confessional

Gran
This is a cathartic effort (so not many funnies on this one folks)

I was with you when you died today in the hospital, you had been sick for a few years and although i didnt see you much in the last few years i remembered you often.

My confession is that the last few rare times i did see you it broke my heart to see you old and sick in constant need of my mum cleaning you, it hurt to not see that superwoman again but someone who was slowly eroded by time crying in the night in pain and confusion, i didnt know what to do.

I remember when i was mid teens in and out of prison, you came to the court when no-one else would and begged the judge to let me live with you instead of sending me down again, i stayed there in Birmingham for a year and sorted my head out, playing scrabble with you and listening to stories of you growing up during the war and raising children in abject poverty and performing fire warden duty on top of buildings while bombs fell around you, without a complaint or hint of self sorrow, it made me grow up a lot.

I remember that allotment you had where you taught a council house kid to grow veg and what a real home grown tomato tasted like.

I remember you telling me that in life it doesnt matter how many times people bring you down as long as you get back up.

I remember you giving me my childhood back,when i was being bad you took the shit i gave you and slung it back twice as fast.

I remember you teaching me how to play darts and pool.

I dont often cry Gran but seeing you there lifeless was one of the most surreal times of my life.

Tonight you live on online and in my heart.

RIP
(Sun 29th Aug 2010, 21:26, More)

» Drugs

After One
gurning mental squat party night with me tripping
me noddy off at a free party in London, i wandered out the party squinting at the new day with my two mates and had an exquisite breakfast (note greasy shit cafe) and then took
the 9am train back to Brighton.

We were coming down from various nefarious substances
and the sparkly lights were flashing in our eyes and we were acting like loons, the people in the carraige gave us the odd dirty look and pretended to read their metro newspaper.

Suddenly there is a loud bang and the train judders to a stop.

After what seemed like an age the conductors voice came on the speakers saying "Sorry for the delay, but some youths on the side of the track have thrown a brick at the the drivers window and he´s taking a minute to recover and call the police" I look out the window and there is a group of five or six chavs mooning and generally being abusive.

I look around and what looks like a
monster of a woman on a seat on the next row pulls out her mobile phone and dials what i thought was the old bill,
the next minute one of the chavs on the verge pulls out his mobile and his face turns to sheer horror as the monster woman on the train says "so youre
at school are you kevin, you little cunt? You fucking wait till i get hold of ya" Cue me and my mates pissing ourselves.
(Fri 17th Sep 2010, 22:01, More)

» Bastard Colleagues

Tyson
Having worked as a chef for years i've met so many drug addicts, losers and people who have a chronic fear of washing, to be honest i nearly cried sometimes at the state of chefs the agencies sent me. (and no it wasn't the onions)

One lad we had as a commis chef we called tyson, mainly because he cried a lot, he looked like a dirty dwarf and no matter how many times you made him wash there was always a thin layer of mud on him.

Tyson was a man who would grass you up to the manager for anything, some of you may know there are times in kitchens when theres fuck all to do and so you have to make your own entertainment such as throwing knives, deep fat frying the weekly rota or locking the kitchen porter in the deep freezer, (ah happy days)
but every time tyson was on shift he would weasel off to the owner and say that we were not working or other such snideities. Tyson was also the laziest shit this side of the equator and frequently called in sick and let us down.

A plan was hatched......

We got the master keys for his locker and placed a pigs head in it staring out and drew pentagrams inside, after that the head chef borrowed the restaurant amp,speakers and microphone and we hid them under the kitchen sides and put one in the pastry bin,
finally we altered tysons rota so he was working a late on his own.

The good thing about this particular kitchen was that its two floors under ground and a very lonely place when you are by yourself.

When tyson started work that evening we had the whole brigade of chefs hidden round the kitchen some in the pastry room and laundry pile some in the potwash (big kitchen) and as we got one of the chefs "jaws" as he was affectionately known to make very quiet mewing and crying noises into the microphone, we could see tyson's expression going from puzzled to worried and he was getting more edgy, looking around and checking to see where the noises came from, as the evening progressed jaws started to whisper jumbled words very quietly into the amp, tyson at this point had - had enough and packed the kitchen up early forgetting to clean properly (as usual) and went in to the side room to change.

All hell broke lose as he opened his locker, he screamed and ran full pelt to the main stairs of the restaurant, he slipped as he was running
cracking his head on one of the metal prep tables and was out cold, we quickly disposed of the pigs head and cleaned the pentagram off and managed to raise tyson who was a gibbering wreck, we stated we were up in the bar when we heard the scream and tyson fell hook line and sinker, strangely enough and to no-ones regret tyson handed in his notice the next day and got a job in maccy D,s from what i remember.
(Thu 24th Jan 2008, 12:26, More)

» Personal Ads

Where do i start
Many stories to be had, since breaking up from the last psycho rehab using, cheating ex G/f
i have used various free dating sites for sex meets, one thing i have found no matter how young and sexy they are all of them are milfs or miwltf s , except for the really minging ones who havnt had the chance to spawn, i am supposed to be going up to see a lady who is on the larger side tonight who has harassed me by text and email for ages to date her (i know beware of the deperate ones) but her two saving graces are that she likes to drink and has a all red dwarf episodes on tape and is an addict of it (yes) i mainly use the sights for sex meets because i have given up on ever meeting the one. I,m also
meeting a 43 year old fairly fit lady who has been sending me pictures of her in various states of undress and a penchant for nob licking..

Click i like this if you think i should go ...
(Fri 14th Sep 2007, 15:00, More)