» * PFFT *

Hedgehog gassing
My mate's mum used to be part of some kind of organisation that rescued injured and abandoned animals. He always had to share his house with squirrels and hedgehogs, requiring weeks or maybe months of careful rehabilitation. He had to suffer all these poor souls stinking out his bedroom as his mum lovingly nursed them back to health.

Anyway, one hot summer I'm around my mate's house sitting in the garden catching some rays and generally talking mince when his mum comes out with one of these hedgehogs. Apparantly it needed excercise for it's iminent release so we had the job of keeping an eye on it as it ran around the garden sniffing things intently. It sniffed around the flowers, it sniffed around the lawn and eventually came to us two. It's little nose sniffed around me, then my mate. It sniffed his feet, then went up his leg, sniffing all the way upto his thighs. Now my mate's eyes lit up, quick as a flash he opened his legs apart and as the little mite sniffed his balls, my mate let out a ripple of one of the most noxious gas emissions I've ever encountered.
What happened next was amazing.
The hedgehog put it's nose right onto my mates bumhole and in an instant recoiled in horror. Not only that but the poor fella started having what I could best describe as a violent seizure. Most disturbingly it started twisting its head around and began vomiting on it's own back! Staggering sideways and then running backwards, head spinning, tongue lolling out of it's mouth it finally came to rest on it's back when it fell off the lawn into the flower beds a good four feet away, and continued to throw up on itself until eventually it curled up into a ball.

The guff was horrendous to me and I was a smoker at the time so my sense of smell was shot, but poor Mr Tiggywinkle would've been able to sniff out a slug from 10ft away and he was sniffing the brown-eye of the storm.

We thought it was going to die, I thought I was going to die (laughing). It didn't, but it did spend an extras week in rehab as according to my mate's mum, "it didn't seem quite ready to go out anymore."
(Fri 13th Jul 2007, 17:07, More)

» Shoplifting

Pointless
Last year I was at the hairdressers for a quick trim when in walks the local druggie carrying a heavy object under his arm. He's well known in the area and is usually quite pleasent as he's constantly trying to sell you the latest items he's shoplifted so he can get his smack as quick as possible. The hair dressers tolerate him as he doesn't hang around too long and he's entertaining enough.
This time he sits down next to me and starts showing everyone the vacuum cleaner he's just nicked.

"I've just lifted this vac from the window of Curries," he exclaimed proudly. "Top of the range, yours for............fifty quid".
"I don't think so," came the reply around the salon.
"Alright........twenty quid".
Still no one was entertaining him.
"Watch this, all this hair on the floor, gone."

He lent over to the plug sockets and plugged it in. A light appeared on the front of it and a quiet whirring sound started up. Our druggie friend couldn't find the nozzel so he just pushed it across the floor through all the hair clippings, nothing was happening, but he persevered.
As I watched this bizarre demonstration I began to feel cold, so I took a closer look and realised his problem.

"That's not a vacuum cleaner," I said.
"what do you mean?"
"It's an air conditioner...to keep your house cool".
"................a fiver then".

He ended up leaving it behind. There's not really the market for air conditioners in Glasgow.
.
(Fri 11th Jan 2008, 12:35, More)

» Pathological Liars

Lying to the death, almost
Back when I was at middle school, the whole class used to go to an old victorian swimming pool for lessons. The very first time we went we were buzzing and as we were getting into our trunks there was a great deal of bragging about how great we all were at swimming. The proof of this was the many badges that held our tiny speedo's together. I was adorned with 10, 20, 50m badges that my mum had lovingly stitched on over the previous year. Some kids had taken the bronze and silver awards and were proudly thrusting their heavily decorated crotch at anyone within earshot. As we were getting undressed in the cold communal changing room there was one set of trunks that caught everyone's attention, Nathan's.

Nathan was what was known as the class scruff. He smelt a bit funny, his jumpers were full of holes, he lived in a rough part of town and was a bit odd. Every class had one, and he was ours.

Every inch of his trunks were covered in badges. You couldn't actually see a pair of trunks, just badges. Golds, silvers, bronzes, 1 mile, 2 mile, this was Duncan Goodhew with dandruff. He was showing them off but for a ten year old was being pretty modest, fair play, I was pleased for him. He was regularly taunted by some of the bigger lads in class, yet finally he was getting some long overdue respect.

As we lined up on the pool side the instructor asked us all who couldn't swim. About eight kids sheepishly put their hands up and were smirked at by the rest of us as they trudged of into the shallow end to play with the floats. At the edge of the pool us men inflated our chests and one by one jumped in and swam to the side. Nathan was one before me, I felt humbled to be stood next to such a natural, his inevitable swan dive would put my feeble technique to shame. I remember him hesitating before the jump, and then he went.
HUGE SPLASH,
then nothing....



...absolutly nothing.
I looked down and he appeared to be stood on the bottom of the pool looking one way then another. Was this an exhibition of lung capacity? How long could this human eel stay underwater?

After what seemed like an eternity the silence was broken by the instructor kicking of his trainers and diving in. Nathan came to the surface clinging onto the instructor like a baby gibbon, coughing, eyes full of chlorine and tears. He was given a dressing down and sent to the non swimmers.

It seemed his lie had gone too far. Faced with a group of boasting boys how could he come clean that he couldn't swim? or even worse, that his mum had got his speedo's at the local jumble sale?

He had two choices - admit the lie or drown.
An easy choice for a 10 year old.
.
(Fri 30th Nov 2007, 12:43, More)

» My Biggest Disappointment

Easter eggs
The large Cadbury's Cream Egg you get at Easter isn't full of sugary albumen like the regular (tiny) cream eggs, it's empty, like my soul after I bought one.
(Mon 30th Jun 2008, 16:22, More)

» Pathological Liars

Bruce Lee
This did the rounds at my school and we soaked it up,
"Bruce Lee had a one inch punch, he could floor you with it."

which became,
"Bruce Lee had a one inch punch, he could kill you with it."

Which progressed to,
"Bruce Lee didn't need to punch you, he would punch the air so hard the air would hit you and floor you.

eventually,
"Bruce Lee just had to think about punching you and your head would explode."

.
(Tue 4th Dec 2007, 18:27, More)