» Waste of money

eBay
For some dull reason I had two accounts. Wanted a copy of OSX, found one on eBay, low price, so put in a cheeky bid. Logged in later to check how it was going, but stupidly did it under my other account. 'Ah-ha!', thinks I. 'It'll not get away that easily!'

So I bid. Against myself. Ended up knocking up the price by about a tenner, and won the item.

These days I just use one account.
(Mon 4th Oct 2010, 21:48, More)

» Cougars and Sugar Daddies

Well...
I lost my hand in a tragic car accident. Luckily, I managed to get a transplant - a 15 year old girl had recently carked it, so they attached her thankfully still fresh hand to my stump.

It's great now - every time I have a wank, it's like someone half my age is doing it.
(Sun 7th Dec 2008, 12:26, More)

» Letters they'll never read

Dear Internet loser...
I know you won't actually read this; you might see it, but your pathetic arrogance will ensure that you don't think it's about you.

But it is. It's about your annoying bullshit posts. It's about your twee alliteration and supposedly hilarious sexual descriptions that are favoured only by the unimaginative and the sycophantic. It's about the obvious lies that you tell, either because your real life is so crushingly boring that you have to make shit up to impress a load of people you've never met, or because you think that such lies will provide entertainment to your 'fans' (despite the story being essentially the same every fucking time), or because you think you have some kind of literary flair and that your posts are somehow more than just ill-conceived and poorly written pabulum written on an otherwise entertaining site.

They're not. They're fucking rubbish, and they're the main reason I am so apathetic about this site these days. If you want to write shit stories that make you out to be something you're clearly not, start a blog. Leave the QOTW for those who genuinely have something interesting to say.

Maybe you will actually read this letter. Who knows? After all, you're so vain that you probably think this post is about you.

With regards,

Captain Crackerjack
(Fri 5th Mar 2010, 23:53, More)

» Council Cunts

More SCC cuntitude:
More evidence of Sheffield City Council's cuntery lies in the number of listed buildings which have mysteriously burnt down when the council weren't granted permission to knock them down and build an eyesore on the site. Arson is bad enough when it's a private individual trying to cash in. When it's the democratically elected leaders of your local authority, it sticks in the craw somewhat.
(Thu 26th Jul 2007, 11:42, More)

» Ignorance

Wilful ignorance
There's nothing necessarily wrong with genuine, innocent ignorance. Not everyone can know everything, and I for one find joy in finding out something that I didn't know previously. Every day really is a school day.

Wilful ignorance, on the other hand, does my fucking head in. Wearing your lack of knowledge about anything of any worth like a badge of honour makes you a cunt. Denying yourself the pleasure of knowing things doesn't make you some kind of tough guy, it makes you an ignorant prick.

What especially burns my cockles is when you meet some ignoramus and put them right on something, or even just mention something that they're too fucking self-centred to have found out about, and then they make out as though you're pulling their leg, or even worse, as though you're thick for believing such things. YES, BEES AND ANTS ARE SPECIALISED FORMS OF WASPS. Why would I make that up? Why in fact would I make that up to tell YOU, you prick? You're a piece of shit. I wouldn't waste my time on making something up to tell you. If someone tells me something and I don't believe it, or I've never heard it, I sometimes take the effort to go and verify the claim. It's not hard. CUNTS.

... sorry, I seem to have gone on something of a rant there.
(Thu 30th Aug 2012, 20:22, More)