» Misunderstood

Toffee
I was at a party, the music was loud, and out of the blue a rather nice young lady starts up a conversation with me. I don't catch what she said at first, so I leaned in a little closer and asked her to repeat. No, I couldn't understand a word she was saying and thought I knew why.

"Are you chewing on a toffee?" I ask her innocently, at which point I'm hastily dragged to the side by a mate.

"She's deaf, you tight bastard"

My first true foot-in-mouth experience, of which many more have followed over the passing years.
(Sun 9th Oct 2005, 19:46, More)

» Crap meals out

Dinorben Arms
The blessed Dinorben Arms in north Wales used to do an all-you-can-eat buffet for a set price, so at the tender age of 13 it was my first choice for a birthday meal.

After a large meal (probably steak and chips) it was time to get serious. At the end of the table was a large glass bowl full to the brim with rich chocolate mousse. It was my birthday and the rest of the family were happy for me to have a second helping. And then a third. Closely followed by a fourth. My stomach distended by the rich chocolatey goo, something had to give. My grandad, bless him, saw what was coming and necked what was left of the pint of bitter he was holding (almost two thirds of a pint) and held the glass to my chin allowing me to spew the contents of my guts into the pint pot.

Amazingly I chucked up nearly an exact pint of sick and didn't spill a drop, allowing my grandad to take the offending liquid to the toilets to be disposed of. I felt great after that.
(Fri 28th Apr 2006, 22:55, More)

» Dad Jokes

Classic...
You're struggling to do something that's obviously giving you a bit of grief. After watching for a while, your Dad asks "Can I give you a hand?"

You look at him with that pained look on your face because you *know* what's coming next as he starts a slow clap.

p.s You can tell how old someone is now by their posts - if they're embarrassed and they hate their dad's jokes - 16 and under. Think it's quite quaint - 16 to 25. 25 and over - you admit to doing it yourself already. Am I right?
(Wed 10th Dec 2003, 23:05, More)

» Stupid Colleagues

Back in the summer of '95...
...I was working at a packing factory with the usual mix of students, no-hopers and hard-working family men/women.

Half way through the summer I changed shift rota and ended up working with a new bunch of people. They all assumed I was new and wet behind the ears so one long dreary night shift I was given the customary ribbing by the old gits who'd been working there since day one. However, they were so stupid they they got it all wrong and mixed up. Thus I was asked to fetch from the warehouse:

A cross-head screwdriver (they meant left handed screwdriver)
A tub of tartan grease (it's tartan paint OR elbow grease you morons)
A spirit level with a bubble (duh - it's a bubble for a spirit level)

I felt sad for them.
(Tue 8th Mar 2011, 18:45, More)

» Worst Record Ever

Easy
Whitney Houston - I Will Always Love You and Bobby Brown - 2 Can Play That Game.

During my year out I ended up working in the dullest job ever, packing baby wipes. It was boring, repetative, repetative and boring. The shifts were 12 hours long, and mostly at night (because the wages were slightly higher). I was there as a temp, but there were a fair few there who made a living out of this job. This meant that they had control over the radio, and all they'd ever listen to was Radio City, Liverpool's local commercial radio station. I swear they only had six records in total, two of which were the offending articles mentioned previously. This was long before the days of "No Repeat Wednesdays" and the like. They played the above virtually every third song. OK Ms Houston's got a good voice, but this song was just there to show off her range - no passion in it whatsoever. It officially became my worst song ever some time during the summer. I'd been suffering from a lack of daylight, due to the nightshifts. Whitney's voice blasted and wailed from the speaker and I sat down and just cried in front of everyone. Literally. Quite possibly the most honest outpour of emotion I've ever had in public!
(Wed 3rd Dec 2003, 0:39, More)