» Abusing freebies

Buffet for 200
About six months ago, I was invited to a two-day residential training course as part of my job as an IT spannermonkey. Well, lunch each day was provided by a catering company, and comprised of around 20 trestle tables arranged in a rectangle and piled high with the finest buffet foods - sandwiches, Indian snacks, sausage rolls, buns, fruit and the like.

On the last day, we're all (about 200 of us) milling around in the main hall having just enjoyed a splendid lunch. Then... over the tannoy...

"Attention all conference attendees. The catering company have informed us that attendees are welcome to help themselves from the buffet. Doggy-bags are available at the ends of each set of tables."

Now, did I mention all 200 of us are recent graduate employees? Which means all of us spent three to four years with no money, eating beans from dented tins by candlelight...

Carnage ensued. The coaches were due in ten minutes.

I have never seen such a scene of mass destruction. 200 ex-students descending on the food. But by far the best bit was the look on the caterer's faces as we pillaged the snacks, and loaded as many bags as we could get our grubby mitts on...

Oh, and the bit when one of the tables collapsed, sending vol-au-vents everywhere...

Happy days...
(Thu 8th Nov 2007, 14:55, More)

» Common

I enjoy being common
Especially at work dos, meetings, important conference calls etc. It makes me smile when everyone else is using 'corpspeak' (thought grenade, blue-sky thinking, you know all that office bingo fodder) and I turn around and say, 'You know what, I'm not accepting that document because it's tat. I'm not going to approve it because it's been written by a mong and I'm angry that you've even wasted my time presenting it to me.' Helps of course that I have a broad Essex accent (innit guv) with a bit of Manc thrown in...

The best bit, I think, was when I turned up to work in a huge, beaten-up Leyland DAF van - with no paperwork on it obviously :-) - that looked as if someone had literally beaten their way out of the back doors, probably while tied up. I bought it from the gypsies. Looked cracking lined up next to my colleague's Audis and BMWs. Who was waiting for me in the car park? Half the people I was supposed to be presenting to - customers and colleagues alike - who were outside having a crafty fag. I wasn't embarrassed, but they were. Common? Facking right guvnor. LOVE IT.
(Fri 17th Oct 2008, 11:10, More)

» Famous people I hate

Norton.
Graham Norton. OK, we get that you're gay. We get that your brand of humour is camp, designed to appeal to the ITV Daytime audience. We get that you're a 'new man', who'll never work in a mine, building site or white van. You moisturise. You probably shave your legs. But I'm a bloke who likes pies, hard work, the gym, fags and booze. I have three wonderful kids who look up to me for the male role model I hope I am. I'm a professional, so I've made something of my life, yet I'm happy to fulfil the 'caveman' family role.

Graham Norton, your foul, unfunny antics on screen make me shudder.

Go away and annoy someone else. Like the Welsh.

length blah
(Thu 4th Feb 2010, 12:23, More)

» Random Acts of Evil

Fun with printers
1. Use Google to find network printers not behind a firewall (remarkably easy - Google it *HO HO, SLAPS KNEE IN MIRTH*).
2. Look up default admin creds. Normally admin/access or admin/admin. If the sysadmin is foolish enough to leave a public interface you can guarantee they haven't changed this.
3. Change page copies to 100.
4. Change printer language to Mandarin.
5. Rename printer to 'pwned' or similar.
6. Reset admin password.
7. Use find devices and identify other printers on the network.
8. Repeat until bored.

Literally hours of sniggering joy.

EDIT: For god's sake, use Tor. Unless you WANT Plod turning up at your front door when your ISP grasses you up.
(Thu 23rd Feb 2012, 2:52, More)

» Sticking it to The Man

Jesus Christ
I'm still waiting for someone to show they have balls and do something properly anarchistic.

Every answer this week seems to be, 'I did something menial, petty and infantile to cause someone else some inconvenience to give me a small sense of satisfaction that I've 'stuck it to the man' when in fact all I've done is prove what an utter coward I am'.

Photocopied paperclips? Flipped the bird at a traffic warden? Claimed £1.42 back from officialdom? Stuffed junk mail into envelopes and posted it back? Come on guys, where are the stories about storming up to the CEOs office and punching them in the face? Blowing up your boss's car in revenge for him shafting your wife?

Seems very tame, that's all. Where are the b3tans' balls?

*Puts on flame-proof jacket and waits for keyboard warriors to begin their attack*
(Fri 18th Jun 2010, 14:39, More)