» Apparently I'm a sex offender

I was once falsely accussed by this malicious van wrighter
of flirting with this girl who doesn't even exist and asking what boots she's wearing over an unspecified medium.

I was also accused of being a pervert merely for having some pictures allegedly of two people's wives in my photogroup profile alongside many others of feet in boots.
(Sun 20th Aug 2006, 23:15, More)

» Lies Your Parents Told You

My Mum, bless her,
told me that if you spend too much time sitting on the toilet, your colon falls out. And that sufferers have to push it back in while they're walking about, and it hurts.

I still have vivid mental images of your colon sticking out like a fat grey worm from your arse and having to poke it back in to stop walking bow-leggedly.
(Wed 14th Jan 2004, 14:26, More)

» Booze Related Disasters

Two of my mates are brothers. In the familial sense.
Well, these lads are confirmed hard-core metal-heads. No womanly influence on their little plot of land for over three years. For sheer filth (dirt), and pornography, unbeatable. They keep snakes - non-poisonous ones, as a rule - as pets.

Right. Party. Get rat-arsed. I seem to recall whiskey, but I'm not a reliable witness, as you will find out.

At some stage I stagger around, making a vehement point, bottle in air, and sit down without looking. Miss the chair and sat down on a snake-tank. That broke into shards and cut a deep gash into my arse. I'm told I sat back even further and kept on ranting away, as if I'm on a comfy somfa and not sharded glass justing upwards.

To everyone's concerned 'Are you alright' I go, 'Yeah, of course, give me more beer', or something similar.

When I finally end up home three hours later, I jump into the shower, and notice the amount of blood gushing out of my back-side resembles the Niagare falls. And the cut is deep.

End up in emergency room, laying with me arse in the air. Additional fun was had when first a patch of arse-hair/fur had to be shaven off to get stitches and bandages on. This at three on a Sunday morning. Doctor looked fairly bemused. Pumped me full of all sorts of antibiotics and things.

Funnily enough, I didn't get bit by the tanks occupant.
(Fri 19th Mar 2004, 12:56, More)

» Breakin' The Law

Motorbiking
As with most other tales regaled here, I was sloshed. Quite so.

I am busy driving my bike home. It's a 900cc, so not an insignificant machine. In my, erm, condition, I fail to notice the roadblock in front of me. How you don't notice yellow cones and flashing blue lights right accross the road, I don't know. But I didn't.

So I drove into the roadblock. Cops run up to me, one has his truncheon out and hits at the back of my helmet. Lucky me the blow merely glances off.

I decide, bugger this for a lark, and leave a black line on the road so fast do I piss off.

There's a traffic-light at the 100 metres down the road. The light is red. So, I reason, I'll stop like a law-abiding citizen - no sense in breaking the law even if running from the police, is there.

The coppers get in their cars, stop behind me, and as they were all out of the cars the lights went green. Which had me screaming off, and them standing around outside.

I took a few dodgy corners and slid my bike down someone's lawn behind a bush. Had a nic nap. Drove home.
(Thu 8th Jan 2004, 13:50, More)