» Political Correctness Gone Mad

At uni
the only other guy on my course was gay. At first, I was a little miffed at being deprived of manly companionship, but it turns out he was just like a *normal* man! I was *shocked* I tell you, *shocked*.

Well, except for his prediliction for teh cock, that is.

Anyhoo, he complained when someone (me) made a joke about a criminal getting his just desserts in the showers in prison.

Him: don't joke about that!

Me: hmmh?

Him: it's vile, you wouldn't make jokes about women getting raped, would you?

Me: *deep breath* *torrent of horrendous rape jokes*

Him: *shocked silence* Oh, ok then.


I like to think of myself as an equal opportunities offender.

I also like to think I'm doing my bit to defend civil liberties -- woo and yay for free speech!
(Fri 23rd Nov 2007, 19:26, More)

» Accidental innuendo

In court (and off topic)
I often have to read out a statement, or deal with a witness giving evidence when something is said that would ordinarily reduce me to giggles. I have to hold it together, obviously, or risk being held in contempt. Some are innuendo, some are just plain funny.

Examples include:

"What did you do after the incident?"
"I went home, got into bed and just sorted myself out" -- victim in indecent assault trial


"When he had taken the items, I then saw him go straight for the chocolate aisle" -- security guard in shoplifting trial


"Any reason your DNA would be on the trainers?"
"No"
"Well they'll be sent off for insemination, ok?" -- officer interviewing suspect


"Do you know what you were hit with?"
"No, I didn't see, I just know it was long and hard" -- victim in an assault trial


"Another male, about 5'11", with short brown hair, was present, I will refer to him throughout my statement as ARSEHOLE" -- witness statement in assault trial.


"I knew it was Dean because he had "DEAN" tattooed on his neck" -- witness in assault trial


We have a folder with copies of the best ones, I'm going to publish it one day, and retire on the proceeds. Which I'll probably have to spend avoiding all kinds of legal action!

Oh, and our CCTV compilation would win You've Been Framed any day of the week -- a collection of the finest trampfights, pissheads, and inept thieves that the world has to offer, most of whom suffer some sort of extreme pain at some point, either at the hands of the local constabulary or fellow members of the criminal underclass.

I actually like my job.
(Fri 13th Jun 2008, 8:29, More)

» The nicest thing someone's ever done for me

I was living in Paris
Miles from home, feeling miserable. I was really rather depressed (not medically speaking, fortunately). I spent some time online chatting to various people, but as I was living on my own, life was very lonely indeed.

I was chatting a girl and she asked how I was. I replied with some rubbish, and she realised I was telling porky-pies.

She listened on msn (those were the days, eh?) for about two hours, and encouraged me greatly. Two days later a bar of Green and Blacks Mayan Gold chocolate arrived. It was only a token gesture, a couple of quid on chocolate, a little bit more to send it to Paris, but it literally changed my life.

I was so cheered up by the fact that this relatively random person I had met online had done something thoughtful that I left my apartment (tiny tiny box, for which I paid extortionate money) for the first time in days.

In that year in Paris I went on to meet my wife, got a fantastic mark that helped me get my career going, and generally had one of the best years of my life.

And I still nom nom nom the oh-so-tasty Mayan Gold chocolate on a regular basis. It may only have been a bar of chocolate, but it was the most important bar of chocolate I think I've ever eaten. Amanda, if you're reading -- thank you.
(Sat 4th Oct 2008, 11:26, More)

» Bastard Colleagues

I am seriously concerned,
but not surprised, by the large number of stories involving God-botherers. Although I am probably what most would call a fully paid-up member of the God Squad, I can't understand why people so often become twats at the same time that they become Christians.




So, just to say, not all those who would call themselves Christians are weirdos. Just 60% - 70% ish. Oh, and the pick of the bunch is definitely Benny Hinn -- look for a Google video of him.


I have worked with some utter bastards, in a variety of places. But, th two worst were in the same place.

Number one would send me (aged 16) to the offy to buy him whiskey so he could get through the shift. He'd then get me to drop him off at the brothel on my (very obviously branded) pizza delivery moped.

Number two was the full-time carer for his friend, who had suffered colossal brain damge in a car accident, and was wheel-chair bound. Sounds like a nice enough guy, looking after a pal in such difficult circumstances, right?


Number two was thusly receiving a large sum of money from his friend's insurers, as part of the payout, and didn't wish to pay tax, so he was working at a pizza shop to show some legitimate income. Which may have interfered with his care-giving, right? Nope. He just put his friend in the car, and left him parked in the road out back. I was speechless for the first and last time when I found out. I couldn't even summon the words "you are clearly an utter cunt".



Not really bastard-like in my direction I guess, but as the guy couldn't walk, talk, or do anything for himself, someone had to do something. I actually hoped his brain damage was sufficient to stop him realising how he'd been betrayed.
(Fri 25th Jan 2008, 7:26, More)

» Conned

the greatest con
I was promised fabulous earning power, enough beer to drown a battleship (or something), and all the sex I could handle.

What I actually got was four years of hard work, a debt that would shame a medium-sized african nation, and a wife, which, for those who are still single, is an object far more expensive than you can possibly imagine.

Click "I like this" if you think uni was a con.

Actually, my wife is amazing, which means I get the sex. And I get to wear a wig to work, so it turned out ok I guess.
(Mon 22nd Oct 2007, 17:45, More)