» Pointless Experiments

Stairs of Doom
As a small boy I wondered how many stairs I could jump down, I started near the bottom and jumped, then from the second stair then 3 then 4, 5, 6, 7.

It was becoming a challenge to see how far I could jump, eventually I reached the top of the stairs, 15 in total and looked down in to the abyss.

It took a moment to get my nerve up before I jumped, then I went for it, I leapt like a salmon, gracefully soaring down towards the landing.

And then everything changed, the door at the bottom opened as my dad came home from work, to be greeted by the sight of a small person clattering into the door side on.

I knocked myself out on the door, and spent the next few days indoors as I "couldn’t be trusted not to kill myself by being stupid."

My sister said it looked good from where she was standing though.
(Thu 24th Jul 2008, 17:12, More)

» Political Correctness Gone Mad

Military PC
I'm doing a job for the military, designing lovely new buildings for front line troops.

All the buildings are required to have disabled facilities, but you can't be in the front line military if your disabled, so they have lots of toilets, extra wide elevators, extra wide corridors, wide doors, disabled alarms and monitoring equipment, sockets and switches all mounted at wheel chair friendly heights and no one will ever benefit from them.

Oh and it puts the cost of the job up by many thousands, and all for nothing.

Any you and I pay for it. while private smith gets killed because they have no money to pay for his personal body armour.

Makes you proud don't it.
(Fri 23rd Nov 2007, 13:56, More)

» Family Feuds

Too old for a dad....
Yup, these are the words my father told me when I was 14, just so he could please his new wife, who incidentally was only 6 years older than me.

She wanted me and my sister gone, so they could play happy families together.

3 kids with her later, she's the size of a house and she kicked him out.
Now he lives in a shitty flat in a really shitty part of Glasgow.

Now aged 39, I found out where he lived, drove over in my nice brand new car and made sure he knew who I was before I laughed in his face at his sad life.

I'm planning on finding my step siblings and telling them who I am, just so they know what kind of a father they have.
(Thu 12th Nov 2009, 13:51, More)

» Dumb things you've done

brilliant parking
My first car was a ford orion, it stalled a lot, but it was my first car and I loved it.

Oner day I was driving into the works car park, it was at the top of a small hill, with a gate you got through with a card swipe.

I drive up and get out to swipe my card, the engine stalls, bugger thinks i. gets in and attempts to start the car, nothing.

I opened the bonnet, got out and as I attempted to lift the bonnet the car starts rolling back down the hill, I'd left the handbrake off.

I just stood there as the car rolled down the hill and slowly began to turn. then the turning began to get faster.

Finally it mounted a grass verge which thankfully slowed it down, the turning increased and I watched as my car slowly parked itself perfectly into a parking bay with only the front wheels on the grass, and not a bit of damage.

I was happy no one seen the embarrassing incident, until I walked into the building and the two security guards were pissing themselves having watched the entire thing via CCTV on their monitor.
(Fri 21st Dec 2007, 9:37, More)

» Bastard Colleagues

Colin
We hired a temp called Colin.
Colin always wore a baseball cap, which was so grimy it shined along it's edges. He was weird, and I mean really weird, he was in his 50's and still lived with his mum.
She would make his sandwich's which practically every day consisted of mouldy bread with either mouldy cheese, or the one day some unidentifiable meat which was literally green, we could smell it when it was in his desk drawer, and every day without fail he ate it, how he was never ill I don't know.

But Colin had a secret desire, he wanted to sleep with Lara croft of tomb raider fame, not the movie version though, no, he wanted the game version.
Colin would spend every lunch hour playing the game and getting Lara Croft to do handstands in the vain hope he could get a view up her shorts or top.
When he found an image he liked he took a screen grab and would print it off for "his collection".

The ultimate came when we sent him to survey a school building, according to the guy he took with him, they surveyed the girls toilets 5 times, because Colin kept "forgetting" about something.
(Thu 24th Jan 2008, 11:36, More)