» Guilty Secrets

1st Post! Wayhey!
Well after lurking for several months now, I think this is the time to lose my posting virginity.

I'm 21 and so is my girlfriend. We've been together 2 years. Anyway...

She has 2 sisters. 2 very stunningly amazingly gorgeous sisters. 1 is 18 and the other 17. And I've shagged both of them!

Let me explain.

Back one year ago me and the missus had a blazing row. Didn't speak for days. After about 4 days I decided that I wanted to patch things up. So I go up her house (She lived with her parents and sisters) Got there and she wasn't there. But her 1 sister was. The 18 year old. Well, she was 17 then but all legal!

Anyway as I was upset she offered me in to chat as we got on pretty good anyway. We talked for about 2 hours and I started to feel better. I the lean in for a hug and she throws her arms around me and snogs the face off me. Convincing myself that me and my girlfriend were 'On a break' (I love that excuse!!!) I proceeded to shag the living daylights out of her sister. Felt great. Then the guilt kicked in. We both decided not to say anything about it and to this day we haven't.

Anyway the younger sister is a different story. She was off out to a party and asked me if I'd mind taking her. I agreed and dropped her off as promised.

3 hours later and the sister phones me in tears asking if I'd pick her up. She sounded a little worse for wear. So off I trot and pick her up. She starts bawling about how much of a prick her boyfriend is. And she had drunk a shitload of booze which probably didn't help. So I just drive round talking her through things and trying to help her calm down. Which she does. Then she thanks me and puts her hand on my leg. Which then moves up to the crotch area.

Aroused and chuffing at the opportunity to bone the other sister, I find a nice secluded spot on top of a mountain road and we get down to things.

Guilt is starting to set in now. How neither of them blabbed only God knows.

Length? Well they all seem quite pleased!
(Tue 4th Sep 2007, 12:06, More)

» Customers from Hell

McMuppet
I am annoyed.com

So I've posted before about McDonald's and customer shittyness, but today really took the piss.

Shift was goin well today, everything was fine and customers were happy. Except one.

He came in mobile phone in hand and ordered his food. He took his food with a big shiny smile. Only he left his big shiny phone on the front counter.

As we live in a pretty nice town, someone found it and handed it in. I go through the phone book looking for a home number, which I find and dutifully call. Get through to him and he seems quite pleasant and says thanks and he will pick it up in half an hour.

So half hour goes by and some lady comes in saying her husband left a phone on the front counter about 35 minutes ago. I ask her to describe the make, model and colour to me, which she does with ease. I asked her how she knew a phone had been left here and she said that her husband received a call from the shift manager (i.e ME) about half hour ago to inform him, and she was picking it up for him.

So far so good. It sounds so painstakingly genuine that I hand over the phone. Everything matches everything so why wouldnt I?

Only it wasn't. About an hour later this bloke walks in and asks if he can have his phone. Now this was the only phone that had been handed in all day, so I was confused. After explaining that the phone had already been picked up, his face turned what a can only call a lovely glowing burgendy, and I swear some steam was coming out of his ears.

The pleasant man from the phone had gone and was replaced with a the sort of behaviour that would make a chav proud with a voice of 120db and a swear word consistently added between each word.

After explaining that we checked before handing the phone over, he proceeded to blame each and every member of staff for conspiring against him and setting him up so he lost his 'Important Works Phone' (The Important Works Phone that he so carelessly left in front of each and every customer that enters McDonald's).

He demands the police and CCTV. So I call the police and show him round the CCTV.

It turns out that the lady was his wife, but they were currently going through divorce proceedings. He went up hers before he came to McD's and he phoned her and asked was it there. When she said no, he said it was either there or McDonald's so he would try McDonald's.

Cogs started turning. Everything clicked. That's how she knew so much. BECAUSE HE FUCKING TOLD HER!!!

Just then the police got there. Before I could open my mouth, he pointed directly at me and shouted rather loudly 'THIS CUNT IS FUCKING MY EX WIFE AND NOW HE'S GIVEN HER MY PHONE. ARREST HIM.'

Now while I found this quite hysterical, I am 21. This woman was at least 50, and as nice as MILF's can be, she had more wrinkles than an elephants arse. Now I can empathise with him, he'd just lost a £200+ phone and he was having a divorce. He clearly had a shite day.

One officer lead him to the car while the other looked over the CCTV footage with me. After the officer agreed that it was his own stupid fault, he told me not to worry as he was one of his neighbours and he's a 'Bit Of An Arse' to put it frankly.

After supplying the local bobbies with some free caffine for their troubles, I went back to work.

I really hope he never comes in again for fear of me laughing in hisface about how pathetic his life is.

Apologies for length and lack of exciting ending. Just had to get it off my chest.

I love you all people!
(Sat 6th Sep 2008, 2:18, More)

» Customers from Hell

McDonald's
Working in McDonald's has it's perks. Cheaper food, crap pay e.t.c. But you can guarantee almost every day there are several truly fucking stupid complaints/comments. Here are several:

(Coming up to Christmas time)
Customer: Can I have a Big Mac meal with a 'Santa'
Me: (Tries ignoring the blatently stupid joke) Yes sir, anything else?
Customer: Can you make sure it's a Santa and not a Fanta? (Giggles to his wife and kids in the car)
Yes very funny. Now fuck off and choke on your pickle.

Customer: Can I have a Big Mac please, but under no circumstances am I to have pickle in it, I am extremely allergic to pickes, if I eat one I will die.
Me: Yes no problem, I take it you don't want the sauce on it either?
Customer: No I like the sauce, just no pickle as I'm extremely allergic to pickles.
Me: Yes I understand, but there is pickles in the sauce too, so if I left the sauce on there you would most surely die!
Customer: Are you fuckin' thick? I DONT. WANT. ANY. PICKLE. UNDERSTAND???!?
(I really really hope you suffer so badly through me trying to prevent your immediate death. Have a nice day)

Customer: I ordered a Quarter Pounder with Cheese but I wanted it without cheese
Me: You do realise that all quarter pounders come with cheese? The clues in the title. I can get one made for you.
Customer: Well shouldn't you ask if I wanted it without cheese?
Me: Well no, if you order a quarter pounder with cheese, you're gonna get cheese on it.
Customer: Well I think it's disgusting. I want to speak to a manager.
(Off I go to get the manager who tells her the exact same thing, so she takes the half eaten burger out of the box and throws it in his face. Then has the cheek to ask for a refund. This was the first time I ever heard a manager tell a customer to 'Go fuck yourself you sour faced cunt'

Customer: Excuse me, what time are you open until?
Me: Half past 10 (It was 9 o clock now)
Customer: Ok, so will I be able to buy my food now?
Me:...........

Customer: Excuse me, I just bought a cheeseburger and by the time I got home it was cold.
Me: I'm sorry about that, would you be able to return and we can replace it for you?
Customer: You're taking the piss! I just drove 10 miles home, I'm not driving 10 miles fucking back!
Me: 10 miles? I'm sorry, but that's why your burgers probably cold.
Customer: Don't be a smart arse with me boy! I'll take you to court over this. If I ate this I could've got food poisoning.
Me: (Hang up, walk away shaking my head)

There are so many more but I can't think of them now. Seriously think my IQ has been affected in that place.

Length? Well 10 miles is quite a distance you know.
(Fri 5th Sep 2008, 13:58, More)

» Too much information

Blackheads...
Not me but a girl from work has a severe problem with blackheads.

And not just normal teeny tiny blackheads. They looked like black spots. All across the top of her lip.

On her 1st day everyone was talking about these horrible black and green things that were perched on the top of her lip. Everyone took the piss for weeks and weeks.

Then came the day. On her day off she popped down to work to get food. As this girl is a bit simple minded she feels the need to explain everything in great detail about what happens in her life.

So she starts off with the usual (Notice anything different about me?) e.t.c. And then out of nowhere she says my lips are hurting. When one of the girls asked why she replied with no hesitation whatsoever...

'My mother pinned me down this morning and picked all my blackheads off. There was blood and pus everywhere'

This lead to 5 people simultaneously running out the back hands clutched over their mouth to spew. And they did.

This same girl came in a few weeks later holding her back and walking funny. When someone asked her what was wrong she said...

'I got a mega bad back. This boy was shagging me up against his garden shed last night and I had my legs wrapped around him and he dropped me straight onto the concrete.'

how we laughed...
(Thu 6th Sep 2007, 19:04, More)

» Pet Peeves

McDonald's
Ok here goes....My name's Phil and I work in McDonald's. There I said it.

Actually despite the stereotype of employing dull fuckwits it's not a bad job. In the store I work there's about 60 staff and only about 10 are absolute head-fucked idiots.

If you're 16-17 the pay's shocking...£3.40 start off with a pay rise every year of about 9 pence. If you make it over the 18 mark then you get paid minimum wage which isn't the best, but with it increasing every year ten it's not too bad.

My pet peeves of working there are...

1. Idiot staff. I know my job pretty well. I've been there about 18 months. There is one specific staff member who is a complete window-licker. He's been there over 10 years now and acts like he knows it all but doesn't have a fucking clue. He's 37 and is shaggin a 22 year old from there who is also an equal fuckwit a n d s h e s p e a k s veeeerrryyy slooowwwlllyyy.

2. Customers. I'm a very happy positive person. Myself and several other staff go out of our way for customers. The usual opening doors, smiling, ensuring that their order is correct and generally being happy people. Therefore please do not:

a) Treat me like I have no brain. I went to college and got pretty good qualifications. I am also a trainee manager so I know my shit.

b) Plain means plain. Nothing on it. I get it! Just say plain. If they get your order wrong everytime then I apologise...but I didn't serve you so don't blame me. If you ask for a plain hamburger with cheese then the word is 'Plain Cheeseburger'. Look at the menu.

c) Don't spend ten minutes looking at the menu and then order a Whopper. That is Burger King and we are not.

d) Same applies to Popcorn Chicken. KFC is 5 minutes up the road so if you want that then go there. I will happily serve you chicken nuggets/chicken sandwich/chicken legend e.t.c.

e) OK I won't spit/spunk/vomit in your burger. All you have to do is ask! (Just for reference we don't do any of the above due to strict disiplinary procedures (Getting fired) and the amazing recording equipment (Camera) pointing right at the dressing table where we prepare the food. And the fact that we are not gorillas. We wash our hands every half hour on front counter and every 15 minutes in kitchen. Obviously we wash them more if we touch bins or anything dirty. We aren't pigs.

f) If by any chance you do find a hair in your burger, the it is a hair from someone's head and not from someone's genitalia. For fuck's sake you can see through into the kitchen. Can you see anyone walking naked? Didn't think so. And there's lots of hot stuff in there so I don't think anyone would if they could. It is disgusting, and staff with long hair are urged to wear hairnets so we are not all moulting into food. It happens rarely and I find it just as stomach turning as you.

g) If by any chance we got your order wrong then we are sorry! It was a genuine mistake. Have you ever made a mistake? It happens man...

h) DON'T in any circumstances place the note in your mouth while you count the change in your pocket and then hand us the soggy end. You will have to wait longer while we wash whatever your mouth has been around off our hands. Would you lick your hand before shaking someone elses?

i) Don't tell us how to do our job. As I said, there are some fuck-wits but the majority of us are normal. We are trained in how to do things.

End of customer rant.

3) Lazy managers. They will stand there and watch you serve, try and stock up and clean. And then shout when things aren't getting done fast enough. And then shout even more when we run out of stock because we are doing something they should be. It's their job to make sure we're doin our jobs, but helping isn't a hard thing, especially if you can see we are struggling to do 6 things at once.

4) Littering cunts. You do know, as the signs indicate, that there is a fine for dropping litter? We can phone the police with your number plates and they will issue a fine. Especially if you have to drive past a bin before leaving.

5) Lazy parents. McDonald's is a kid friendly place. BUT we don't appreciate telling you to not let your children stand on tables and run around. A couple last week were letting their son run riot. Just sat there watching him run rings around the dining area. Then he ran into the corner of a table and they blamed us! Lots of blood, snot, screaming and shouting.
(Sun 4th May 2008, 13:09, More)