» Letters they'll never read

Dear Amy
You don't know me. You probably have the vaguest idea that I even exist. I'm your dad. And I have just two words I'd like to say to you.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that your mum and I fought constantly when she was expecting you. I'm sorry that I did some things that I'm not proud of.

I'm sorry that when I went to the hospital about the time I knew you were due to be born your mum refused to see me.

I'm sorry about the fact that I only found out I had a daughter a month after you were born when a friend of your mothers came into my work.

I'm sorry that your mother had taken to telling people that she had a one night stand and didn't know who your father was, despite this being an obvious lie.

I'm sorry for not knowing your exact date of birth. I'm sorry that this leads me to be depressed the last week of May and the first week of June.

I'm sorry that I couldn't be there for you growing up. I'm sorry that I couldn't sit down with you and watch the return of Dr Who, a show I loved as a child and wanted to share with you.

I'm sorry that I couldn't pass on my love of reading and introduce you to Roald Dahl, Enid Blyton, The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, His Dark Materials and others.

I'm sorry that I never got to introduce you to Johnny Cash, Belle & Sebastian, The Beatles, The Rolling Stones and other favourite bands of mine.

I'm sorry that I didn't get to watch Toy Story, Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory and other favourite films.

I'm sorry that you haven't got to meet your grandmother, grandfather, aunt or either uncle. I'm sorry that you didn't get to attend your aunts wedding.

I'm sorry that you didn't get to meet your great grandmother or great grandfather before they passed away. I'm sorry that I haven't got to take you to Sandhaven, still for my money the most beautiful place in the world.

I'm sorry that I got drunk one night after watching Pushing Daisies and looked your mother up on Facebook. I'm sorry that this led me to her myspace where I finally found out your name and what you look like.

I'm sorry that the only pic of you I have, both in my wallet and on my wall, is one I got a friend to crop your mother out of.

I'm sorry that you don't know that I have your name tattooed on my left wrist. I'm sorry that you don't know that any other children I have will be tattooed on my right arm, the left being solely for you.

I'm sorry for joking that the migraines you suffer have a bright side in that you can't sit through an entire Westlife concert.

I'm sorry that I haven't had the guts to try and get in touch with you, not knowing what your mum has told you and not wanting to risk upsetting or unsettling you.

There are a couple of things for which I'm NOT sorry however.

I'm not sorry for thinking about you every single day since you were born. I'm not sorry for loving you, even if I'm not able to demonstrate it.

With all the love I have,

Your father.
(Tue 9th Mar 2010, 13:43, More)

» Starting something you couldn't finish

Twilight
I acquired a PDF of this book (didn't buy it, I'm not that insane) just to see what all the fuss was about. 6 chapters later, I gave up. It was sapping my will to live.

What's wrong with it? Well, nothing if you don't count the appalling writing, the cliché storm and incredibly uneven pacing. Oh, and the fact that the main character is a complete Mary Sue who can do absolutely no wrong (I counted at least one crash she was in that was partly her fault only to be told it wasn't) who is so super special (despite being kind of a bitch) that us poor blokes have no choice except to fall desperately in love with her upon the merest glimpse of her.

I didn't even get to the sparkly vampires bit, which is just as well cos I'd have probably broken my laptop.

As an aspiring writer, it is good for one thing. If shite like that can get published, surely I can. Well, if I ever finish the five or so novels I've started...
(Sat 26th Jun 2010, 15:47, More)

» Customers from Hell

Fast food and cinemas
I have had the lovely joy of working at both major burger chains. Amoungst the pleasures I had:

* The customers who wanted to skip the queue because all they wanted was a drink.

* The customers who ordered something that was made fresh (as we didn't sell enough to keep them made) then got annoyed at the delay despite us telling them there would be a wait for that item when they ordered it.

* The customers who got annoyed because they ordered something we didn't have made at that exact moment and didn't ike the wait as they only bought it to have change for the bus (the opposite of them were the ones who would ask what we had ready and buy one of them).

Then there was the drunk customer who walked in and started eating something he bought somewhere else. Just as two officers of the law walked in. They asked me if I wanted them to escort the gentleman outside and I said yes. They took him out, searched him and then took him to the police HQ.

Then I worked at a cinema where the joys included:

* The gentleman who thought I was joking when I informed him that I couldn't let his 5 year old son in to see the 15 certificate Bond film.

* The lady who was apparently very surprised that we couldn't let her 18 month old child into the screening of Alien: Resurrection.

* The man who accused us of ruining his childs entire birthday weekend because while his son was now old enough to see the 12 certificate film (no 12A at the time) he had chosen as a birthday treat, his younger sister wasn't.

* Not to mention all the kids who were mysteriously trying to see a film that they would be old enough to see the next day (the law dictates that it's the age on the certificate on the day).

* The gentleman who decided to avoid the huge cue at the ticket desk by queueing at concessions to get his tickets. After he'd waited ages, I took no small amount of delight informing him that he had to wait in the queue for the ticket desk. Which had since grown.

* The customers who insisted that I could serve them an undercooked hot dog as they'd waited till the last minute to get food/tried to get one before, went away, came back too late to get any of the ones that were cooking then. I felt like asking them to sign something stating that they would not report the cinema/me for serving them undercooked food in the case they got food poisoning.

And if you think this lot was bad, I later worked tech support...
(Sat 6th Sep 2008, 15:31, More)

» B3TA fixes the world

All those moaning fucking cunts...
Who decide to ruin results day for schoolkids who actually studied hard and earned their grades by moaning that 'Exams are easier, that's why they did so well' should be forced to do the following.

1) Pick a subject which they stduied at GCSE (or equivalent) or A Level (or equivalent).
2) Publish, on the record, so any member of the public can see it, the mark they originally got.
3) Sit that years exam in their chosen subject. Under strict exam conditions. No revision necessary, the exam is easier now, they should walk it.
(Thu 22nd Sep 2011, 16:37, More)

» Churches, temples and holy places

Brothers wedding.
Last time I was in church was for my brothers wedding a couple of weeks ago. Introducing the last hymn, the minister said it was a Psalm set to a more modern song that some of us might know.

the first thing to enter my mind?

Wouldn't it be cool if it was set to Enter Sandman?

You know how it can be tough keeping a straight face in church?

Try keeping a straight face while singing and thinking about all the evil looks you'd have got if you did burst out laughing.

That should have been a Krypton Factor challenge...
(Sat 3rd Sep 2011, 13:45, More)