» Food sabotage

Anyone for tea?
I realise that reading this, coupled with my previous 'office fun' related post, may make me look a bit of a bastard.

Oh well...

One company I worked for, I worked closely with two other blokes - one of them was one of the nicest and most inofensive people you could hope to meet. Our working days were filled with the usual office humour and piss-taking, all very good natured and spread around us evenly.

Apart from the tea.

Cliffy, for that is one of his nicknames, was very polite - he found it nigh-impossible to say no to things. We used to take it in turns between us to use the little kitchen on our floor to get the drinks in. It was all free tea/coffee with all the sugar/milk/creamer/whatever supplied - plus a little fridge to keep cans of drink etc.

One day, Cliffy made a vague comment about how there was no sugar in his tea - but it was ok, he'd drink it anyways. He prefered it with one sugar, but he didn't mind drinking it however it came, thankyouverymuch.

It was like he had opened the gates of Gehenna...
From that day on, normally at least once a day, we would make sure that one of his teas was a 'special' one.
From memory he had:-

Black tea - no milk
Strong tea - 5 teabags and very little milk
Salty tea - salt instead of sugar
Cold tea - cold water
Coffee tea - tea with added spoonfulls of coffee
Fruit juice tea - fruit juice instead of water
Biscuit tea - tea with 3 digestives disolved in it
Butter tea - tea with butter smeared around the inside of the cup first
Marmite tea - a healthy dollop of marmite at the bottom of the cup
Vodka tea - a miniature bottle of vodka topped off with tea
Sugary tea - filled the cup with sugar and just barely topped it up with tea
Raisin tea - filled the cup with raisins and just barely topped it up with tea
Milk tea - filled the cup with milk and just barely topped it up with strong tea

and my personal favourites

Solid tea - tea with an entire packet of gelatin in it, which I left to set in the fridge overnight

Explosive tea - an lively little brew which used a cut-down polystyrene cup as a false bottom to the cup, with a tiny hole pierced in it. A normal cup of tea was poured into the cup, which contained baking soda underneath the false bottom. The tea was carefully and quickly carried to his desk, and just as he went to pick it up - litterally foamed all over the place.

To his credit, and my everlasting admiration, he drank each and every one of them - apart from the explosive tea. He even had two spoonfulls of the solid tea, before we let him off.
(Thu 18th Sep 2008, 17:28, More)

» Stupid Dares

Office dares and bullying...
(Sorry for posting this so late in the Qotw folks, I'm guessing most people will have given up reading it by now - but I've only just seen it and realised I have a tale worth the telling!)

I work in a large office, in a group of ten other people - all CAD monkeys, apart from the boss. Of this group, only the boss and one other person are staff - all the rest of us are agency workers (which means that whilst being transient, we are also very well paid. Staff people being not so very well paid). The staff guy that isn't the boss is Phil (name not changed - I don't want to protect him, I'm mean and victimising as you will soon see) and he's your typical 'worked at one place since leaving school' type guy. Lovely bloke though - just a little poor - with his only other fault being that he can easily be baited into a challenge.
So at some time in the past - the 'Phil's office challenges' began.
The rules are simple:-
1) Phil cannot gain more cash from a challenge than us agency guys earn as an hourly rate.
2) The challenge must be at least fairly degrading and humiliating, if not downright nasty and/or dangerous.
3) The challenge must make me laugh (did I mention me being a bit of a bastard?)

To date so far the challenges have included - in chronological order:-

Swallowing an entire cocktail sausage whole, with a glass of water - as though it was a tablet. Purely to see if it could be done (and because I was interested to see if he would choke to death in the office).

Standing two desks away from me and catching those little plastic pots of coffee cream (you know the ones - the nasty little long-life stuff you get?) one at a time, as I threw them to him. Opening them, downing the creme in one, and throwing the pot into the nearest bin. If he dropped any, he lost. If he didn't down it in one/spilt any, he lost. If he missed the bin, he lost. Oh - and the pots (eight of them) were something we found in one of our old desk drawers after an office move, and we just couldn't bear to throw them away - even though we had no use for them anymore and they were 'undated' (we were moving from a 'make your own' tea and coffee office to a 'use the machine you bastards' office you see). Fair play to Phil, he managed it - winnings approx £3.50 in change (and I mean change - total shrapnel).

The arrowroot biscuit challenge. Have you ever heard of arrowroot? Its a powdered thickening agent used in cooking - its like inverse moisture if you will. Well you can buy (if you search really hard) biscuits made using this stuff - I think its an 'old' people kind of thing, something from the pre-hobnob years. Anyways - take it from me that these things will dry your mouth out. The challenge would earn him £1 per biscuit he managed to eat past the first 5, with no drink allowed along the way - although he was also allowed to pay £1 for a capfull of water, up to three times during the challenge. He managed to earn £14 from that challenge - although admittedly £2 of that was from a sub-challenge when someone bet he couldn't jam two in his mouth and eat them simultaneously (mainly because that person wanted to see how savaged his mouth would become by the ravages of two solid biscuits being crunched in a dry mouth - good addition sir! Thanks for that Jason!).

Next was the pepperami challenge. We used to have a small fridge in the office that we bought to keep drinks and snacks cold. Anyways - officer uber-fascists declaired we couldn't keep said fridge and so we needed to clear out from it all the many things we had been storing in it. Well Tescos quite often have offers on pepperami, so we seemed to have a fair few stocked up in there. Phil's challenge was to eat all of them, in one sitting, again with no liquid relief during the ordeal. With the aid of one of our co-workers (good work Paul - he might have given up if not for you!) Phil managed to consume 14 green pepparami (normal), 5 red pepparami (spicy hot) and 4 black pepparami (extra hot). He was lovingly handed each stick, ready part-unwrapped - to make it easier for him of course, not just to egg him on for our pleasure - and even had someone mopping the sweat from his brow. Bless him. That challenge netted him a cool £17 odd in change...
(you seeing the pattern of degradation here?)

Then came the pickle challenge. We had some jars of pickled goods (onions, gerkins, chillies, more onions) and over the course of about a two or three months we had been spicing up one particular jar of onions. You know how there's always someone who says 'I really like strong pickled onions - those ones are shite, you should taste the ones from my greengrocer/aunt Flo/grandad Bill'? Well we took a spicy jar of onions and added chillies, tobasco sauce, mustard seeds, marshmallows (don't ask), more spicy onions, shallots - in a nutshell we added anything we could find that would make them hotter/nastier. These onions were tried and eaten on a day-to-day basis, but they got hotter and hotter and the vinegar got murkier and murkier - until it went totally black and you could smell the jar being opened from the other side of the office! So the challenge was born, to eat everything solid in the 'evil' jar to win the cash - which was once again the donations of the majority (totaling about £25 this time if I remember correctly). Fair play to Phil, he chose to eat everything large enough to pick out and chew, and then drank the remaining vinegar and dregs - except that the dregs remained mostly within the jar, causing him to have to top it up with more vinegar from another jar of onions, swill it around and then neck that.

Ahhh bless him and his challenge taking-on ability.

The next challenge coming up (assuming I'm not arrested or otherwise taken away for being the office bully) is to eat 15 McDonalds hamburgers in 20 minutes. Just plain, no sauce, no onions, no nothing - just burger and bun, no drink - 15 in 20 minutes.
He refused the one where I wanted him to drink a cupfull of raw sugar - said somthing about it clogging in his throat and choking him. Spoilsport...
(Tue 6th Nov 2007, 15:22, More)

» When Animals Attack

How about a new game then?
If the QotW topic is another utterly shite re-hash that people dislike - the person who gets first post on the new topic, picks a better one from the copious selection, and the topic is thenceforth hijacked.
Sound like a plan?
(Thu 1st May 2008, 16:00, More)

» Shit Stories: Part Number Two

Jesus H Christ on a bike...
I waited avidly, like most of the rest of the folks on here, for this QOTW hoping against hope that it wasn't going to be shit again.
Not only was it, but it actually was!
(may not make actual sense when read aloud - but in my head it sounds fine, so do one.)
(Thu 27th Mar 2008, 15:06, More)

» When Animals Attack

Here
its nearly going home time - so BABY JEBUS CUNTING FUCK HURRY THE FUCK BUGGERY UP AND CHANGE!


*breathes*
(Thu 1st May 2008, 16:58, More)