» The thing I've been most ashamed of doing with a penis

I'm just going to edit the question slightly...
The things I've been most ashamed of doing with I would do if I had a penis (Aka: Things i would do if I was a man for an undisclosed period of time).

1. Pee Standing Up
Whilst I am aware women can pee standing up with a bit of jiggling and faffery it's no where near as convienient as whipping out your member and letting that stream gush out over the fence/bush/next doors cat. In fact if I could pee standing up I'd go and see a U2 gig so I could piss in bottles and throw those golden bottles of love at Bono. Hopefully he would scream "I'm melting!" and disolve into a small untalented smudge on the stage.

2. Have incredibly quick Sex
Yup I'd find myself some hot chick and throw her down on the bed, stripping off and I plow deep inside of her. I wouldn't bother thinking about sandwiches or the latest debate in the House of Lords, I'd think about hot sweaty sex and I'm pretty sure I could blow my load within a few minutes leaving her disappointed and frustrated whilst I rolled over and went to sleep. In the morning I'd probably wake up and laugh at her as she flicked the bean trying to build herself up to orgasm. I'd probably then go and piss in her sink just because I could.

3 Experiment with substitute mimsies
Sticking my finger in a carefully heated watermelon probably doesn't have the same thrill as thrusting my rock hard dick into one.

4 Take Pictures of it and send it to everyone on Internet dating sites
As a man I would assume everyone posting on internet sites would want to see pictures of my awesome chunk of man meat. I'd probably take a few pictures though looking for the one that makes it look like I'm a caring kind of guy who wouldn't piss in your sink.

5. Scratch my balls in public. All the time
Not for any reason than to gross people out when they see my hand down my pants and hear that nice scratchy sound as I give my pubes a good rustling

6. Delight that my penis doesn't start dripping blood once a month
That sounds like I'd have to start showering more than twice a week, or at least change my boxers.

7. Ignore decent suggestions and just think about my cock all day
I'd pretend I was being a sweet caring guy who was open to compromise when I changed the wording of my latest fantasical idea to try and include all those whining women sorts who were jealous they didn't have the same gigantic bulge in their trousers as I did. But they are probably all on their periods or something.
(Fri 13th Mar 2009, 11:07, More)

» Tightwads

Things were getting tight in B3taland

(Thu 23rd Oct 2008, 17:45, More)

» Spoilt Brats

I blame the parents, but the kids need teaching a lesson too.
Whilst perusing Boots for conditioner my ears were subjected to a high pitch scream which was emanating from a small, snotty boy who was attempting to drag his mother by her coat out of the store.

"One minute dharrlling" she oozed at him and went to the adjoining isle. Bratboy was obviously not happy about this and started running around the shared display unit, down the isle his mother was in, round and up the isle I was in. Screaming. Loudly.

Lather, rinse, repeat x 3

After the third lap my (admittedly short) fuse had burnt out and - in precision timing Quartz would have been proud of - I turned quickly ensuring my shoulder bag flew out ever so slightly making a rather pleasing thud as it connected with Bratboys face.

I had honestly forgotten, Your Honour, that I had £25 in pound coins and a full bottle of coke in there.

Mother, alerted by the deafening silence that had descended over the store comes running round to see her little prince on the floor.
"Sorry," says I "he just ran right in to me."
"Apologise to the lady!" demands mother.
"S..s..s...sorry." blubbers Bratboy.
Gleeing I skipped over to the checkouts.

Until next time Bratboy....
(Tue 14th Oct 2008, 14:06, More)

» Customers from Hell

I used to work in Tescos cafe
And we got all kinds coming in. The builders would always arrive in the morning for their massive breakfasts and were absolutely stellar guys who were polite, appreciated the fact 15 big breakfasts took a while to prepare and always cleaned up after themselves.

We did also get Mrs Furcoat and her shrivelling husband who would come in every Saturday afternoon for their dinner. Mrs Furcoat always asked to be served by the same girl (I forget her name lets go for Ann), however on once occasion girl was on holiday so I politely informed Mrs Furcoat of this and offered to serve her instead. Begrudgingly they accepted. They wanted "generous" portions, because Ann was nice to them and they always insisted on the meal going in the microwave for a minute "to make sure it's properly hot" (wtf?).

They also always left the table a mess and generally were rude and up their own ass.

The following week Ann was off again, Mrs Furcoat haughtily asked if she was there I said no I was the only one in at the moment (as the person who was supposed to come in was running late). Mrs Furcoat puffed out her chest and said "I'll have lasagne"

I kind of snapped a little. I have a really short fuse when it comes to rude people. However if the situation was repeated I would do everything that follows exactly the same...

I replied with "Lasagne what?"
She shot me a venomous look "lasagne and chips"
Smiling sweetly now (which is bad, I'm not sweet. If I am smiling like this I either want something or am about to be a total bitch) "lasagne and chips what?"
The husband nudged Mrs Furcoat and quietly mumbled "please".

Mrs Furcoat did not like this. Mrs Furcoat yelled across the hot plate of slightly wilted goodies at me "PLEASE, although you should know that I have had cancer and I come here every week to give you business"

Calmly I replied
"Unless it was cancer of the manner gland I suggest you either say please or leave"

Strangely I never saw them again....
(Fri 5th Sep 2008, 14:18, More)

» Blood

I do actually have a relevant story....
when we moved into our uni house I was living with three guys and another girl and the girl (Sarah) had real issues with one of the guys (Jay) girlfriend (Alice). The cause of which we never discovered but she would badmouth her when she wasn't there and ignore her when she was.

Alice would stay over a fair amount but the rest of us got on with her fine as she was doing a catering course and had a real passion for cooking which meant she tried out a lot of her new ideas and recipes on us.

One evening Sarah went out to meet some of her friends down the union and the rest of the house got drunk. And then we got a little high. Then we got the munchies. Rummaging in the kitchen we discovered two of those little bottles of fake blood. "Oooh" thought our twisted drunken minds "what fun could we have with these!"

Fun translated to throwing blood at each other and all over the kitchen, posing for pictures with blood stained knives and so on. As this was happening the door bell rang and Alice arrived, somewhat confused as why we were all looking like we had been mauled by werewolves.

More drinking and smoking then we must have passed out because the next thing I remember was hearing a shrieking scream and a rather loud thud.

Turns out Sarah has arrived home after a few bevvies herself, seen us covered in blood and unmoving in the lounge then gone into the kitchen where Alice was cleaning the blood off the knives and walls, instantly concluded that Alice was a psycho knife welding maniac murderer, screamed, turned to run out the house, misjudged it and smacked into the door frame knocking herself clean out.

Alice as the only sober person then had to drive Sarah to the hospital with Jay. He reported the journey as being uncomfortably hilarious, although the girls did get on slightly better afterwards.
(Thu 7th Aug 2008, 15:33, More)