» Shoplifting

I stole from the Hoff.
I was on a random shopping spree with some buds in Cheshire Oaks (near ellesmere port) and upon leaving the complex we noticed that the Hoff was having a book signing session at a local, well known book shop. We waited for 3 hours in Maccy D's until a line started to form and went over to see how much his book was.
"10 quid?!?!" I asked my mate, after expecting a £20 bag of shit.
"looks that way," he replied, "where do we pay for it?"
I looked around and could only see a horde of fat, sad, 40 year old council mums waiting to meet the Hoff. Upon approaching one to ask where the tills were she shouted,
"GET TO THE BACK YOU LITTLE FUCKERS!" and set about trying to fight me. A security guard grabbed me and threw me and my mates outside - still with our freebee books in hand - so we joined the back of the queue, waited another 2 hours until we met the Hoff, shook his hand and got our books signed for free.
I sold it a few hours later for £37 on ebay even though it had been signed to 'Big Poppa Sexatron' and the description on ebay included this story of theft. Now that's accidental stealing at its highest level.
(Thu 10th Jan 2008, 22:00, More)

» Dumb things you've done

Had stomach bug for a few days
I'm the sort of bloke who won't go to the doctors, not even if my leg is hanging off (maybe I lied) so when I had a touch of the plops I just thought 'nevermind' and carried on with my sleep-shit-work-shit-eat-shit-work-shit-eat-shit-sleep routine. On the 3rd day I was a pale white colour, couldn't eat or piss properly, stank and to top it off I needed a crap every 15 minutes. I lasted my 12 hour shift and felt my stomach gurgling while I was in the line to clock off but thought, yet again 'nevermind' and proceeded to set off in the direction of the carpark. Upon sitting in my car I felt a warm gravy trickle down my arse cheek and realised I had to get home fast. Bleary eyed and panicking I drove 90+ miles an hour down a country lane and did a 20 minute journey in 7 minutes. I fumbled my key into the door, screaming in agony as my bum nearly gave way and ran towards the downstairs toilet. The screaming woke my mum who came to see what all the fuss was about and was confronted by my bare arse, hands still clawing at the toilet door.
I shat all up my mum, all over the carpet, all over my clothes, in the shower, in the washing basket etc etc.
Turns out I had a serious case of gastro-enteritis and was very, very ill.

Moral of the story, when your body says 'you're ill' see a doctor
(Fri 21st Dec 2007, 21:50, More)

» Cheap Tat

just used this as a reply to a post further down but I think the sheer jollyness of the thing deserves a post of it's own in these depressing times...
I remember when I went to North Cheshire college my mate chipped in 50p towards a 5 piece child's music set from a pound shop. We had hours of fun playing on a 5 inch untunable guitar, a bass drum, a bizarre trumpet-cum-kazoo, a plastic cymbal and a pretend headset microphone. We actually sat outside in the rain for 2 hours 'busking'. We sang songs such as 'Janie don't you take your love to town' (Bon Jovi version) and an amazing 35 minute rendition of 'I can't get no satisfaction'. We made about £9 and went off and bought some chips.
Result
(Mon 7th Jan 2008, 20:02, More)

» Cheap Tat

My fucking childhood
Anyone who has watched the whole 'Rola Cola' sketch that Peter Kay got famous for will know my plight. My Mum has been disabled for as long as I can remember and during my childhood, the money my Dad recieved for looking after her was a pittance - thus getting to the cheapo meals etc.
By far the worst experience was the clothes though. A big bearded man (who until recently I thought was called 'Mr. Bernardos') that looked like Tregard from Knightmare would come round every year with a black sack full of shit and me and my bro had to dive through and see what fitted best and had the least stains in. I remember finding some white Bart Simpson swimming trunks that had the phrase "don't have a cow, man!" written on them and I cherished those little bastards and couldn't wait until school let me use them.
The swimming trip came along and upon jumping into the water I noticed my shorts basically didn't exist anymore (as now you could see my cock and balls floating around in the shallow end) so I had to walk the gauntlet of shame in my see-through trunks whislt trying to hide my man bumps.
On the subject of school - I never had a uniform for the first 11 years of my life as my family couldn't afford one. I wouldn't mind, but my clothes were shit and everyone looked at me anyway because my parents could only afford 1 hair cut a year (my dad eventually bought a trimmer). I was lent a jumper from my bud to have my school pics taken and when I finally did get an 'upper school' uniform, I left my blazer on the floor when I was conker picking and a cow ate it and my cheapo replacement one that a local charity bought for me (which had Sharon written inside it... I'm a man Goddamnit) got shat on by a bird within a month of me having it (strange purple colour) and the stain wouldn't come out.
This gives you a slight insight into my shitty, cheap childhood and the only reason why we can afford the basics now is that my mum's condition has gotten worse and they allow my dad full-time pay (even though he's 66)
Happy fucking new year
(Mon 7th Jan 2008, 17:35, More)

» Cheap Tat

Tesco
Saw a few posts below about pound shops and how cheap the stuff is. I won't say as to where abouts I worked within the shit hole that nearly ate my soul (Tesco) all I can say is that I became mildly important to my 2 areas. 1 was wines and spirits, where 18 year olds would ask me to tell customers about wine because 'I knew about all that stuff'. I would point to something with a house on the front and say it was 'very earthy but a good all rounder'. I still laugh at all the poor fuckers who'd come in next week and treat me like a god claiming the wine I chose was beautiful (except one posh guy who pointed out that I was showing him a pudding wine). My 2nd department was the back door area - and here's the cheapo shit bit - we took out of date products (potatoes, mushrooms, anything that we could really) and changed the dates on them and stuck them back out. Reduction was a FINAL step in the Tesco way of life. I remember almost being sacked for not reducing 7 roll-cabs full of potatoes that were already a week out of date... when I said "imagine a poor old woman buying these and then finding out that they're moldy? How would you like it if your mum bought some?", my immediate boss replied "My mum's not thick enough to shop here so fuck all the old bastards" and when I refused twice he got a 16 year old from teh produce section to take care of the matter. I also remember a wagon turning up full of out of date things and shed loads of damaged goods. I had to clean rat shit and rotten 'stuff' (I never asked what it was) off random objects that were promptly knocked down by 15% and put on sale near the reductions section. I refused to clear one cage of food as it had maggots and dog shit all inside it so they waited until I went for a brew and made a mentally disabled blind man clean them up and told him the mess was 'just mud'.
Steaming bunch of turds.
Talking of which, never eat Muller yoghurts - I worked there also and the rat shit/yoghurt ratio is frankly alarming.
(Mon 7th Jan 2008, 18:32, More)