» Spoilt Brats

I went to a private school...
so I've met quite a few of these brats. Now I was there on a scholarship, a Rugby scholarship in fact; on account of me being not so bright and fond of running face first in to things, so 75% of my fees were paid for me. This meant I was treated as "working class" (their words) by most of the arseholes there, including the teachers.

I was never bullied as I was always quite big for my age but my mate, also there on a scholarship but for Art, had the shit kicked out of him a regular basis. Not because he was your stereotypical bully fodder but because he was poor (by poor I mean his parents couldn't afford £6000 a year on school fees but could still live comfortably).

The worst thing about this was during one of our weekly trips to the head masters office to explain why I'd been in a fight with a bunch of other kids. In we stroll looking forward to getting it over with and heading of down the park for some illicit drinking. Standing in the office was the main protagonist, Graeme, flanked by two very rich and extremely pompous looking people. Turns out Graemes mummy and daddy were very big benefactors of the school and couldn't have their son getting bullied by, as they put it ,"common lower class scum who didn't belong there". I was suspended for 1 week and told if it happened again I would get kicked out for good. Anyway I spent the next 6 months until I turned 16 watching my mate getting the shit kicked out of him on a weekly basis. As soon as I reached legal cherry popping age I walked out of school with fuck all qualifications and haven't looked back since.

Anyway a few months back I was advertising for some staff for my shop and who should hand in his C.V. but Greame. The tosser is still exactly the same as he was, even demanding I give him the job now. I told him to fuck off in no uncertain terms obviously. I had to find out why such a rich little prick felt compelled to work in a shop seeing as mummy and daddy would normally pay for these kind of things.

Turns out my old artist buddy had dropped out shortly after me and has forged a pretty decent living as a painter and decorator. I got in touch with him to found out if he knew anything about Graeme and why he was scrounging for part-time work in a shop.

Through a rather bizarre twist it turns out my mate had been commissioned to do some work in Graemes parents home. That's not a big deal, good money, usually a couple of hot females to stare at whilst doing the work. Good times. Whilst doing this work my mate got speaking to Graemes mum, who in turn recognised him. They got chatting, she asked him to stay back for some drinks after he had finished, he agreed, they fucked. On Graemes bed.

The dad opened the door only to be greeted by the sight of a skinny wee chap with nothing on but a dirty flat cap and a fag dangling from his mouth going at his wife like adultery was gong out of fashion. He even gave him a cheeky wee wave and carried on going.

In the end it turned out the mum had been having several flings behind the dads back and promptly left him. Leaving him enough money to look after himself but not enough to give the kids the lives leisure they'd been used too.

I got Graeme in for an interview after I found this out. The only question I was able to ask before bursting out laughing was "So I heard your mum is single again...?"

He left in tears. God bless Karma.
(Fri 10th Oct 2008, 11:47, More)

» The nicest thing someone's ever done for me

My mum
Used to work near Queens Park in the South Side of Glasgow. For those of you who don't know it...it's a big green park in the south side of Glasgow.

Anyway I used to work near by so would met her every so often for lunch. We would often grab a bite to eat and then walk through the park. It was on one of these jaunts we stumbled across a couple of homeless chaps. They looked in a pretty bad state, tins of Tennents super in their hands and one tooth to share between them. As we walked past them they asked for change/fags/shoes. I gave them a couple of fags, my mum some change and nobody gave them shoes. This course of events continued throughout the year, from time to time we would see them in the park, drinking and laughing away and we would always stay to have a wee word with them and ask how they were. They were actually lovely guys just down on their luck after drink/drugs had fucked everything up for them. They'd got themselves clean but couldn't find work due to lack of an address/old smack habit.

So December rolled round and we started to see less and less of them. I was getting a bit worried because you could guarantee they would be in the same spot all the time. We started to wonder if they had moved on to pastures new or fallen back in to their old ways or even gone to the big homeless hostel in the sky. We started to forget about them and put it to the back of our minds until we saw them sometime around January. The younger one, must have been about 21 or so looked in a really bad way. Not even white or pale but just...wrong. My mum was seriously concerned (she has two sons and is slightly over protective of them) and was trying to get out of him what was wrong but he wouldn't say.

Anyway she eventually convinced him that he needed to see a doctor or go to hospital as coughing up big black things every 5 minutes is never good. He eventually relented to her nagging so she agreed to drive him there.

It turned out the guy (who incidentally was 21) had contracted pneumonia really badly over the winter. Couple that with a fucked up immune system due to intravenous drug usage the guy was knackered. The doctors informed her that he was unlikely to last more than 24 hours and they could make him as comfortable as possible but that was all. She agreed to stay for a few hours with him.


She managed to find out from his mate a bit about his back ground and if he had any family. Turned out his mum had chucked him out when he was 13 for using drugs and he had been homeless ever since. The reason they had been away for a few weeks was because they had been looking all over Glasgow for her so they could try and reconcile their differences. They eventually gave up because the young one had gotten seriously ill and were making their way back to where felt familiar, the park.

Me mum, bless her, couldn't face the idea of this young guy spending a night alone so she sat with him the whole night. Throughout the whole time she was there the only thing the guy asked for was a hug because he hadn't had one since he was a kid. My mum obliged.

The young guy passed away 10 minutes later.

This happened on the night of mum and dads 25th wedding anniversary for which they had a huge party planned back at their house. She could have been at the party sipping champers and getting presents but she decided to give up that night, one which she had been looking forward to for ages, to look after a young stranger.
(Fri 3rd Oct 2008, 13:38, More)

» Social Networking Gaffes

My parents
recently signed up for Friends Reunited and Facebook. No big deal really, they stay out in the country so may do them some good to make new friends.

Anyway last time I was down visiting my folks I needed to check my emails (or possibly B3ta) so I excused myself and went to use their computer.

As I sat down at the computer I realised they had left the thing on with the browser open on their last viewed page. Not wanting to be nosey I immediately moved the mouse to shut down the page...it was only then something caught my eye.

Now you know when you're skimming through a magazine or newspaper and something jumps out and grabs you attention. Well it was like that. Kind of. Except the words that jumped out were "Horny Transvestite" and "a girl just wants to have fun".

Turns out, old father dearest had been masquerading as a transsexual on the internet and even posted photographs of himself in drag.

Now it was bad enough when I accidentally saw my mum in her undies when I was 6 but fucking horrific when I saw my dad in my mums undies 15 years later. According to him it was just a bit of fun but I shouldn't tell anyone "just in case".

It only dawned me a few months later somebody must have taken the photos as he was unable to set the timer on the camera...turns out my mum was in on it too.

And that, dear readers, is how I found out my parents are swingers. God bless Social fucking networking.


*Runs away to hide from the memories*
(Fri 12th Sep 2008, 14:00, More)

» Tightwads

Granny karma
My gran is a miserable, tight fisted, mean spirited old boot who has made my mums life hell for the 25 years she has been married to my old man (it's his mum). She frequently dries out tea bags and re-uses them, scrapes the mould of a bit of bread and eats it and has been known to chow down on some of her dogs biscuits if she has nothing in the house to eat. She also used to try to feed me pedigree chum when I was a kid as it was all she could "afford". When, aged 7, I offered her my pocket money to buy some bacon she smacked the shit of me. Lovely woman.

Anyhoo, the old dear lives in a rather nice semi-detached house just outside of Glasgow, which my dad pays the mortgage on. Her next door neighbour is a lovely old lady known simply as Mrs Gibb (hi Mrs Gibb!). Every day Mrs Gibb toddles the half a mile or so down to the shops to get some groceries and her morning paper. Every morning, without fail, my gran goes through Mrs Gibbs bin for any bits and pieces which could be used, in particular the previous days paper. Yes, she is too tight fisted to pay the 35p or so for the current edition of a newspaper. Now I would like to point out here my dad gives her about £800 a month which she takes quite happily on top of her pension so she may not be stinking rich, but she certainly isn't poor. He also pays all her bills, phone, gas, leckie etc.

So, after about 2 years of silence being maintained between us, due to the dog food abuse, I thought I'd pay her a visit one morning. You know, have a cup tea and some dog biscuits, see if the old bitch has mellowed at all so I made the arrangements to call round the following morning.

The following day I made the journey over there. As I came up the driveway I became slightly aware of a soft banging sound coming from the side of Mrs Gibbs house. I decided to have a quick investigation, being the nosey sort and everything, only to be greeted by the sight of a large green, wheeley bin rocking back and forth, emitting muffled cries of help and a pair of 73 year old ladies legs waving frantically in the air.

Yup, she had been so keen to get to the day old newspaper and a half eaten bar of chocolate from the bottom of a bin she had fallen head first in there, and was unable to get out. I obviously pulled her out, which was rather difficult considering the pain I was in from laughing so much. She promptly told me to piss off before retrieving the paper and chocolate and walking back in to her house and locking herself in.

A touch harsh? Probably. Very amusing? Fuck yes.

Length? About 5 foot 5 whilst stuck in a bin.
(Sun 26th Oct 2008, 16:31, More)

» Spoilt Brats

Another one from my school days
A girl in my year at school parents paid £20,000 for her to sit in the background of Central Perk in one scene of Friends simply because she liked them. £20,000 for fucks sake. You couldn't even see the dozy bint, Ross's big face blocked her out.
(Fri 10th Oct 2008, 14:16, More)