» Evil Pranks

Women are evil
A Few year back when my oldest was a toddler I had went on a works night out and got totally bladdered.

I got home and had the usual amorous drunken attempts at getting the wife to have sex knocked back as 'she hadn't been out, I stunk of beer and she was going to have to get up with the little one next day as I was in no fit state'.

Well of course I protested that of course I would get up with our child.. I loved her and of course it wasn't my fault as I had missed her all night and had been dying to get home and see her cos she was so sexy... After a great deal of persuasion I got my wicked little way and she got my thee inches of snarling death - only under the condition that I got up the next morning with Jake our 2yr old... seemed like a fair trade at the time.

The next morning 7am with a belly that was trying to vacate my body via my mouth and a headache against the world the 'deal' seemed less fair. Jake wanting to play and wanting breakfast was just too much to take, I love him to bits and would normally lay down and die for him but could he not understand that I had a major hangover???? I lay on the sofa and instantly had them sweats that tell you that you went silly the previous night.

Next thing I knew I was woken by my wife screaming, I realised I had fell into a deep hangover induced sleep.. however I also realised that this wasn't a you swine you went back to sleep, this was a panicked scream.

I jumped up to find our front door wide open with the wife screaming "where is Jake!!"... instantly I felt sick, not with beer but with fear, panic, guilt, the lot. What had I done? my little lad had got out of the house and was missing 'cos I was too hung-over to stay awake.. how bad a parent was I?.. what if something has happened to him.. how would I ever forgive myself?

I was in a state and was running round the street calling for him with tears starting to stream from my face.. about 2 minutes but what seemed like a lifetime later I heard my wife calling for me so I went back to the house fearing she had had some news of Jake's whereabouts and it wasn't going to be good...

I got back to the door and was met by my wife and a grinning 2yr old waving merrily at daddy - The wife had told Jake to hide from daddy upstairs, opened the front door and started screaming like a banshee. All just to get me back for falling asleep!!!

In fairness her little prank worked, I never fall asleep while in charge of the kids anymore and I NEVER make silly drunken promises in return for sex anymore but I feel that pranking you into thinking you are the cause of the loss of your child is maybe a touch harsh... if ever the story comes up she still has that look of womanly triumph that says "yeah, well it taught YOU who was boss though didn't it!"
(Tue 18th Dec 2007, 11:10, More)

» Evil Pranks

Spider diving
When I was 8 and my younger sister was 6 we were playing in my Grans back yard. I was climbing on top of her coal shed (about 2m high) and dropping off.

My sister (who I have never really got on with) was following me round, wanting to join in with me in that annoying little sister way. I tries to get shot of her but mummy dearest told me it would be no choc-dip for me if I didn't let her.

So up on top of the coal shed I climbed followed by my sister and I dropped off. She then panicked and said she was scared and didnt want to jump down - now I was not in the mood for this, after all I didn't want her to play anyway!.. so I decided to tell her there was a big spider behind her and (her phobia) and it was going to get her, in an attempt to get her to shrug her 6yr old reservations about jumping off a 2m high shed... I even assured her that if she dropped of that I would catch her - what a brilliant big brother!

Unfortunately the prank worked a little too well - she Dived head first off the coal shed! All thoughts of catching her disappeared at this 5 year old kamikazie pilot without a plane comes bombing towards me (and the paved yard). I did what every decent older brother would do... jumped out of the way. She smacked the ground head first and then didn't move.

Now, to my 8yr old mind, she was dead and I was partly responsible being that I had told her to jump and I had said I would catch her and not forgetting the child eating spider I told her was there that made her leap in the first place.

So, I ran in to my mam screaming and sobbing "Michelle has just died... she jumped from the shed and 'I tried to catch her but I couldn't... I am so sorry!!!".

My mother rushes out screaming to find my sister unconscious in the yard... bleeding from a substantial head wound, rings for an ambulance... sister still wasn't conscious by the time the ambulance arrived 15 mins later!

Sister ended up having a fractured skull and having to spend a week in hospital, having no memory of the entire day never mind the Spider situation - Hence my little white lie about it not being my fault and that I 'tried' to catch her led to me being treat like a little hero.

I eventually owned up to this one many years later but as far as evil pranks go, nearly killing your sister has to be near the top of the list?

Oh by the way - LOOK OUT THERES A SPIDER BEHIND YOU!!!
(Fri 14th Dec 2007, 10:40, More)

» Evil Pranks

Well I think its evil
In my younger days I was fond of experimenting with such substances as... well, prety much whatever i got me hands on.

One particular night we got some LSD and after a night of fun and hilarity (that I shall save for future QOTW) we went back to my cousins house as his parents were away (same cousin as from previous QOTW answers).

When we got we started playing Sensible soccer and the likes on his Atari ST. It was about this time I realised that I was getting the LSD tomato headed sweats - this wouldnt normally be an issue but i couldn't even put a pair of shorts on being not in me own house and for some unbeknown reason I had decided to 'go commando' that day!.

Ever the gent my cousin offered to lend me a pair of his shorts which I gladly accepted and went off to the loo to change.

When I came back I began to get a slight touch paranoid.. my cousin and my friend who were there were looking at me like I had shit on my lip, trying not to giggle when looking at me (in fairness on LSD that is some feat). After about 10 minutes they didn't bother holding back and were laughing away whenever they looke at me. Those who have experienced will know the paranoia that sets in. But they assured me it was just the drugs and I was being paranoid..

Needless to say, i started to get a touch pissed off and asked them what was the matter - Eventually they told me that they had just been laughing about how I looked like Roy Keane (well before he went to Sunderland)... I wasn't convinced but let it lie and put up with the tripping buffoons .

It wasn't till about a week later i found out the real reason they were having laughing fits - my cousin hadn't any clean shorts for my to use so he had pulled his special shorts from under his bed, his spunk rag shorts!!.. and i had worn them all night with no underwear.. I shudder at the thought and still don't totally feel clean!

So click this if you feel my pain at knowing i have had my cousins dried out jizz dusting off the shorts into my pubes :(
(Fri 14th Dec 2007, 9:02, More)

» Accidental animal cruelty

Accidental Cruelty, lies, Guilty confessions...
This could fit into any number of topics..

Anyway, About 10yrs ago I was looking after/staying at my grandads house while he was away on holiday (now dead. RIP granda). My simple task was to stay over night so that he didn't get broke into and feed his pet budgie that couldn't fly properly and had a crippled foot (or whatever you call birds feet).

The budgie was so lame you could let it out of its cage and it wouldnt escape. It would climb up the curtains using its beak and one good foot then let go and try to fly - usually making it half way across the living room before landing like it had took flying lessons at an al Qeueda training camp.

So the first day the old guy was away me and my mother did the glossing in the living room for him and then on the night my and a few mates went out on the lash.

After many pints and more that one herbal cigarette we headed back to my Grandad's house with food to sit, eat, watch crap on TV and maybe have another herbal or two. I got in and let the budgie version of tiny Tim out of its cage then went into the kitchen for a plate for my special fried rice and curry.

Plate in hand i heads back into the living room and plonks my fat ass down on the chair, ate my food watched some TV then rolled a couple of J's. After about an hour I realised that Budgie Tim was no where to be seen - now this, being my grandads closest thing to company, was enough to snap me from my drunken/stoned stupor to look for the little beggar.

I searched the kitchen, hallway and even the bedrooms but couldn't find it.. I was panicking that it had somehow got out and would get eaten by a cat due to its inability to fly or even hop very fast.

It was about this time I heard one of my mates say "Hey, i found the budgie". Relieved as hell I went through to the living room glad I wasn't going to be the person who lost the budgie. What I saw was not good...

I hadn't lost the budgie. When I had went into the kitchen Budgie Tim had done his climbing up the curtain then flap away trick, landing on the seat. When I had walked in the room and plonked down on the seat I had accidentally SAT on the poor little thing!!

So there I stood with a budgie in my hand that had been squashed to flat I could have fit it in the toaster and one of my mates suggested that we try CPR on it... needless to say this was relatively unsuccessful so we did the only good and decent thing to do - we opened the cage, placed it on its pirch and let go so that it fell to the floor of its cage and the next day I rang me mam and said I woke up to find it dead.

To this day my mother thinks that it was the fumes off her doing the glossing earlier in the day that killed Budgie Tim where as it was really my drunken ass that was the murderer, sorry mam.

Oh, and when i was a toddler watching my mother cleaning the windows I decided to help and clean her fishtank - by pouring in a bottle of Windowleen.. Cue all the fish's floating upside down at the top of the fishtank.
(Thu 6th Dec 2007, 13:32, More)

» Evil Pranks

Not really the greatest prank ever but..
Am I the only person in the world that farts on their hand and then holds said hand out to people and asks them to 'smell my aftershave' ?
(Tue 18th Dec 2007, 16:03, More)