» Faking it

Nothing much...
On the whole I consider myself to be a fairly straightforward kind of lass; haven't done much in the way of spectacular faking...

Though I suppose there is that whole double life thing...

Let me explain - I'll try to do it without being dull. I am a fairly average woman in my twenties; I have a pretty good job, which is moderately interesting to me; spent much of yesterday recovering from an evil hangover; came home to a loving live-in boyfriend, who is only annoying to the normal and permitted degree. So far, so unremarkable.

My parents believe me to be a teetotal virgin. For as long as I can remember, I have negotiated truths before sharing them with Mum and Dad, who are religious and have a strong set of cultural values which I respect and admire. And which I agreed with until the first time I fell intractably in love, and understood that it wasn't about behaving vs. rebelling, and that actually the idea of love wasn't just a collective delusion, or a social construct. And falling in love led inevitably to having sex; alcohol followed soon after, due to a complicated sense of hypocrisy from me (though it quickly became an uncomplicated affection for booze and being drunk); and lying increasingly became the thing I did without thinking, whenever they were in earshot.

I am still staggered by the audacity of moving in with my boyfriend, and managing (so far - fingers crossed) to keep that under wraps. I'd always been mostly appalled by similar stories I've heard from other people. But we're nearly a year down the line, and getting away with it.

I probably sound a bit flippant about it all, but it's not easy. During that first, terrifying relationship (I had never even kissed anyone before, and I was at Uni when it happened), I remember sobbing because I had found such happiness, but couldn't tell my parents. And I remember the two weeks of summer holiday I had to spend at the parental home, after I'd been horrifically dumped and generally destroyed from the inside - but during which time I had to pretend nothing was wrong. Followed by me rushing back to Uni in order to allow myself to go through the breakdown I had been superhumanly resisting. Yes, I covered that up too.

People always ask the same questions; they would be mostly hurt if they found out the truth, and it's much for my good as theirs that I don't tell them; they're lovely parents who definitely love me; yes, of course it's a bit weird, but this is essentially the only life I know... It's kinda working for me so far.

Anyway, I didn't mean for the narrative to become so laden with strings. I am so far getting away with it - I wish I didn't have to, but it's not worth disturbing the world just yet... If we get married, it should all be magically OK. As long as my parents don't ask any probing questions about the past that is...

We've been together 3 and a half years. He's an absolute nightmare and I love him loads.
(Sat 12th Jul 2008, 4:41, More)