» Workplace Boredom

Oops
I used to do a bit of security guard work in various locales. The money was good, the lads were a laugh and the constant changes of scenery were always welcome in the job.

The only problem with it was the fact that we had to stand around for hours. When you work in security you have the odd scallywag who wants to get past you who isn't meant to, however we had a game whereby we'd let the odd person through if they had a good enough excuse/lie.

Unfortunately we had to stop playing the game when some old bloke told me that those weren't the droids that I was looking for...

Bastard
(Fri 9th Jan 2009, 16:44, More)

» Eccentrics

Weird Teacher
As a few people are mentioning weird teachers I thought I'd better throw my hand in!

As a few people on here may know I'm quite into my martial arts so a couple of years back I went to a camp for some extra training and to generally improve my own mental outlook on things as I was going through a bit of a hard time.

Anyways, I get to this camp with my mate and it looks like a total dump, is deserted and is overgrown, I was wondering if I'd been ripped off and said as much to my mate.

However, the camp paled in significance to the teacher. I pitch up ready to learn and he starts off by pretending to not even be my teacher! As the weeks go on he has me doing more and more bizarre tasks like hand stands, acrobatics and sparring all while continually talking about how to I had to learn his way and his way only!

He kept using all these weird phrases in an effort to motivate me which I never got.

Turned out he was an OK guy though, he managed to get my motor started and out of the lake it had fallen into and helped me through the tough times that were coming up. Even on his death bed he managed to joke about 'when 900 years old I reach, look as good I will not'
I miss my teacher
(Fri 31st Oct 2008, 11:12, More)

» Spoilt Brats

My Nephew
For a few years now I've been looking after my nephew.

He's a good kid but he's such a brat. Due to the fact that I have a large farm I sometimes need help, and with the credit crunch and the bigger suppliers undercutting me I can't always afford the help so have asked him to help out, and every time we asked he's always whined and moaned. I'm not overly impressed as I've raised the little shit for 16 years!

Anyways, the other day I'd managed to hire a couple of foreigners to help out around the farm with this and that but over the course of the night one of them had gone out for a few beers, I asked my nephew to look for him and take his mate along so he could recognise him, at this my nephew was surprisingly helpful, I reckon he'd had a hand in letting the guy out but I can't be sure...

Next thing I know the local fuzz turn up and start shooting up my farm!

Bastards!

And the little turd wasnt; even my real nephew!

Yrs,

Owen Lars
(Fri 10th Oct 2008, 16:50, More)

» Nightclubs

The Best Bouncer Ever...
Many years ago I used to live in Bath as I was doing my PGCE down there. While I was living there I'd have a friend over for a few beers of a weekend.

One weekend my mate Lee comes on over and a plan is quickly hatched:

To have a couple of beers on the Friday before heading out on the saturday for some serious carnage (cos we're cool like that)

Unfortunately, as we are a pair of simpletons the plan goes to pot and we end up going on a pub crawl on the Frida via various pubs and into town.

The night draws on and we decide that more booze in in order along with some dancing. For this to occur we must head to a nightclub and in my fuzzy mind I suggest T's, unfortunately it's about 10 o'clock and dead at the club, so the bouncer lets us in and we head straight for the bar, check our funds... £8 between us, this can't be good, however, it looks like Dionysus was smiling on us that night for T's were doing an offer of any spirit and mixer for £1! Hurrah thinks we and ask the barmaid for a 'lucky dip' while this is occurring we are also having a chat with the bar staff and a having a bit of a laugh.

We drink the resultant drinks and the place is filling up, however, we also need more money so I enquire of the barmaid (who happens to be from near where I live) if I can nip out for some cash. She agrees and wanders over with me to the bouncer, telling him that I'm a decent human being and that he should let me out and in again, to which he complies! (It's OK, the acts of altruism get better!)

I return with cash and more beer is had, much fun and dancing is had and then Lee decides he wants to go home but I do not, we talk for a bit Lee sits down while I continue to dance.

Lee then has the following brainwave:
'If I leave then Fuckarma will have to come out to find me and we can head home' so out he goes.

I start to look around the club and can't find him, slightly gutted I ask one of the bar staff and am told that he went out the front, I nip past the bouncer and find Lee being propped up by a large bin at which point, I, the heart and soul of concern say 'Come on you big girl! get your backside back in there!'

Then the following exchange takes place:
Lee - 'I'm tired, can we head off'
Me - 'Come on, it'll be a laugh!'

Lee then makes a fatal error in his judgement.

Lee - 'I'll come in if the bouncer lets me in then'

We both return to the bouncer like 2 hopeful puppies (well one hopeful puppy and one drunk, tired puppy) and as we approach he turns to us and says:

'In you go lads'

At this point Lee decided that just being let back in the club at 1230 for free isn't enough and so an argument with the bouncer was in order, but this argument wasn't about violence, or about the bouncers comedy evil beard, no this was about being allowed in!

Lee - 'Why are you letting me in? I'm drunk!'
Bouncer - 'It's OK mate, in you go'
Lee - 'But where I come from if I turn up at a bar in this state and asking to go in for free the bouncers would give me a hiding!'
Bouncer - 'It's OK mate, the bar staff said you two are OK'
Lee - 'but...but...but...' (I'd like to think at this point Lee was about to cry with joy at such an understanding and patient bouncer but I suspect it was more the sound of defeat)
Bouncer - 'no worries mate, in you go'

And a good night was had by all...shame the sat was a write off though!
(Tue 14th Apr 2009, 15:22, More)

» Food sabotage

My Social Networking Gaff
is posting replies to QOTW a week too late
(Wed 24th Sep 2008, 12:30, More)