» Accidental innuendo

Shamelessly Stolen from anther site
My octogenarian mother loves to feed the birds - her garden is always full of bird food and has an unbelievable number of birds living there.

She particularly likes watching the blue tits attacking the balls of fat that you can buy and she hangs these immediately outside her kitchen window.

Whilst I visited her recently, she asked me if I would take her to the local farm supply shop so she could stock up on bird food. When we got there, the owner, probably 70 years old himself, was working behind the counter.

I gather up all the stuff she wanted but the balls of fat were nowhere to be seen. Nonplussed, Mother hobbles over to the counter (she walks with the aid of crutches) and says hello to the owner, who obviously knows her as she is a regular.

Then she drops her bombshell.

"Have you got Fat Balls?"

I stood behind her and bit my lip to stop from laughing. The poor owner could only clench his teeth to prevent doing the same - and waved his arm in the direction of where they were now sited. As I watched Mums neck I could see the colour slowly rising up and with remarkable speed she rushed off to the Fat Ball counter.

I laughed all the way home while she sat there muttering "I cant believe I said that".........
(Thu 12th Jun 2008, 12:21, More)

» Guilty Pleasures, part 2

Somebody has to be there - I don't know why she is still married to me
What do I do for fun? - turn on the heated passenger seat in the car and slowly up the control as the wife gets more and more uncomfortable. Keeps me happy for hours - she still hasn't sussed it

the car? its an estate - so of reasonable length
(Thu 13th Mar 2008, 11:58, More)

» Pointless Experiments

Question: How many people can you use to drive an Opel Kadett?
1) steering done from rear seat
2) pedals operated by an inverted participant using their hands whilst in footwell
3) gear shift operated from passenger seat using left hand
4) 'back-up' brake operation performed by person in passenger footwell using hands
5) random indicators, lights and horn functionality performed by rear left participant
6) sound effects provided by the poor unfortunate in the driving seat who was not allowed to use hands or feet

We hit a tree, it was the only tree in the sodding field
(Thu 24th Jul 2008, 16:54, More)

» Have you ever seen a dead body?

Following Agnostic Antichrist's lead
24th April 2004 1.45pm

In many ways I now consider myself to be very fortunate. On many levels, firstly to have been loved by such a wonderful, kind and gentle person. Secondly to have been privileged to have been able to help look after her at home for the final few weeks (it was very much a team effort).

We were all there - Dad, my 3 sisters, me and the dog. All sat around the bed where my mum lay dying of pancreatic cancer. Bit of background - 10 years or so previously Dad had had cancer himself and had retired from general practice. Subsequently he went to work for McMillan as such he was able to ensure that Mum was able to stay at home for as many of her final months as possible.

There is a lot a other stuff going on at this time (me made redundant in the same week as being told of mum’s illness, my relationship breaking down a few weeks later). Still, all in all it meant that I was free to be with my family for the time that I need to be.

Right back on subject – 24th April, 12.30-ish, all in Mum’s room. Dad suggests a drink, I volunteer to put the kettle on; not what he actually meant. 15 minutes later, we all have very large gins inside us, which helped. Still watching, Mum’s breathing getting more and more laboured and shallow. Eventually, finally it stops and she just settles - silence only punctuated by gentle tears from us all. We all file downstairs leaving Dad to say goodbye. After a short time we have all taken our turn to bid our individual farewell.

Attention turns to what do we do now? Dad knows about these things; there is a need to call the GP and a few local relatives. This is duly done. Nothing left to do other than to retire to the garden and toast Mum. By the time that the undertaker arrived, we had toasted Mum - a lot. Best thing we could have done. In fact I still have an empty champagne bottle from that afternoon on the windowsill in my bedroom.

Regrets? – that she knew that my then relationship had broken down and that she never met my wife whom I met a few short months later (she is a nurse who used to work with Dad). I also am saddened every time I have a reflective moment with my 1 year old son – she would have been the best grandmother.. ever.

However the bit that really gets to me is that Mum always said that she didn’t want to be an old lady and be unable to look after herself – be a burden on us. She died at 63, just as she and Dad were about to start to enjoy retirement.

It just makes me think that you should be very careful what you wish for – her wish was granted

Apologies for lack of funnies, it being my first post ‘n all.
Now re-read AA's post again as well as some of the other responses I have found this whole QOTW thingy very cathartic. I think about Mum virtually every day, especially when something happens that I would like to have shared with her - marriage, birth of boy etc etc. There are often times when I want her advice on stuff.

I am acutely aware of the fact that there are many other folk here who have had it far far harder that I have - lost parents at a far earlier stage for instance. However, I am now a very different person to that which I was nearly 4 years ago. The final lesson my Mum taught me was not to waste time worrying about the inevitable - carpe diem
(Thu 28th Feb 2008, 11:19, More)

» Stuff I've found

I was about 15
My mum used to sort out the clothes for local jumbles sales - people would drop them off a couple of weeks before the event and she would do the male/female casual/formal sorting. Every so often she would tell me that there was some good stuff there and I should go and have a look.

I was trying on a dinner jacket left by the widow of some old colonel/admiral type. It fitted pretty well, except for something hard in one of the pockets - I reached in and fished out a very nice little flick-knife. I always wondered what sort of party the old chap used to attend
(Thu 6th Nov 2008, 13:02, More)