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» Pathological Liars
Biggest wanker of the year award
Knew a bloke in Mainframe software sales some years ago that seriously couldn't lie straight in bed. Most people had to re-read his business card just to make sure he was giving the right name - we all know this sort of wanker. Anyhoo, enough of the prologue, to the story (one of many, I assure you):
Said salesman was based in Sydney and was in Melbourne meeting a new prospect ('twas this very prospect that became a client of mine some years later who regaled me with this opus).
Within 15 minutes of meeting said prospect, he was already espousing the joys of owning a bright red Ferrari (could he have been any more cliche?), and promptly invited said prospect to a ride in his chariot if he ever came up to Sydney. As this was in the days of a $700 return flight and prospect was a "lowly" person in the scheme of things, our intrepid future politician thought he would never have to come through with the "ride of a lifetime".
Unbeknown-st to our BWOTY, the chap had a brother in the prestige used car market in Sydney and regularly invited him up to Sydney to help out - a fact not provided to our chump. So, a week goes by and our Melbournian friend calls the Sydney salesman with his flight details and asks for a life from the airport in his Ferrari.
This, dear reader, is where the true liars come into their own, with bullshit, bravado and sheer front!
BWOTY picks up our friend from Sydney airport in a much lived in and well-used Commodore (Vauxhall VXR8, but much, much lower rent - for our Northern friends). As our erstwhile storyteller gets into the car and asks "innocently": "Where is the Ferrari, mate?", our hero responds with the following classic:
"Mate, you wouldn't believe it, some unthinking bastard ran into me just yesterday and I had to take it to the Smash repairers to get fixed, and all they had as a loaner was this piece of shit!"
Not to be put off, our friend lets the line out to see how far this fish will go with:
"Bugger, was really looking forward to seeing the car... hey, can we go to the Smash repairers and see the car, I've never sat in one and would really love to"... quick as a flash, our mate comes back with: "Yep, no problems, I'll have to call to arrange it with them, so I'll pick you up from your hotel tomorrow and we will go then".
{Fade to black, scene moves to front of hotel the next morning as the Commodore rolls up to pick up our guest and take him to the Smash repairers}
Visitor: "So, how far to the Smash repairers?"
BWOTY: "Mate, you're not going to believe this, but the Smash repairers burnt down last night & my car has been destroyed! Worse than that though, they didn't have any insurance, so I'm going to keep this bloody car"
Bloody good swap, I would have thought - $220,000 for a Ferrari, $2,000 for a bomb Commodore - yup, this guys was a genius! So, dear reader, when met with a liar - pathological, you had better be prepared, as they will weave an alternative world better than any concocted by Mr Tolkien!
(Wed 5th Dec 2007, 2:44, More)
Biggest wanker of the year award
Knew a bloke in Mainframe software sales some years ago that seriously couldn't lie straight in bed. Most people had to re-read his business card just to make sure he was giving the right name - we all know this sort of wanker. Anyhoo, enough of the prologue, to the story (one of many, I assure you):
Said salesman was based in Sydney and was in Melbourne meeting a new prospect ('twas this very prospect that became a client of mine some years later who regaled me with this opus).
Within 15 minutes of meeting said prospect, he was already espousing the joys of owning a bright red Ferrari (could he have been any more cliche?), and promptly invited said prospect to a ride in his chariot if he ever came up to Sydney. As this was in the days of a $700 return flight and prospect was a "lowly" person in the scheme of things, our intrepid future politician thought he would never have to come through with the "ride of a lifetime".
Unbeknown-st to our BWOTY, the chap had a brother in the prestige used car market in Sydney and regularly invited him up to Sydney to help out - a fact not provided to our chump. So, a week goes by and our Melbournian friend calls the Sydney salesman with his flight details and asks for a life from the airport in his Ferrari.
This, dear reader, is where the true liars come into their own, with bullshit, bravado and sheer front!
BWOTY picks up our friend from Sydney airport in a much lived in and well-used Commodore (Vauxhall VXR8, but much, much lower rent - for our Northern friends). As our erstwhile storyteller gets into the car and asks "innocently": "Where is the Ferrari, mate?", our hero responds with the following classic:
"Mate, you wouldn't believe it, some unthinking bastard ran into me just yesterday and I had to take it to the Smash repairers to get fixed, and all they had as a loaner was this piece of shit!"
Not to be put off, our friend lets the line out to see how far this fish will go with:
"Bugger, was really looking forward to seeing the car... hey, can we go to the Smash repairers and see the car, I've never sat in one and would really love to"... quick as a flash, our mate comes back with: "Yep, no problems, I'll have to call to arrange it with them, so I'll pick you up from your hotel tomorrow and we will go then".
{Fade to black, scene moves to front of hotel the next morning as the Commodore rolls up to pick up our guest and take him to the Smash repairers}
Visitor: "So, how far to the Smash repairers?"
BWOTY: "Mate, you're not going to believe this, but the Smash repairers burnt down last night & my car has been destroyed! Worse than that though, they didn't have any insurance, so I'm going to keep this bloody car"
Bloody good swap, I would have thought - $220,000 for a Ferrari, $2,000 for a bomb Commodore - yup, this guys was a genius! So, dear reader, when met with a liar - pathological, you had better be prepared, as they will weave an alternative world better than any concocted by Mr Tolkien!
(Wed 5th Dec 2007, 2:44, More)
» Failed
Ahhh, those were the days
Back in the early 80's when an Australian University Education was free and designed to actually educate not make money, we had a cute little Student Allowance scheme for those of us who didn't have Daddy buying us a new car each year. This marvellous invention however came with strings: you had to be classed as a full-time student in order to attain your measly $23 per week - oh what a fortune!
After failing half of first year due to gaining High-Distinctions in debauchery and drinking, I had to retake most of my courses. What this left me with - according to the bureaucratic paper pushers was effectively a part-time degree. Now, the fact that all lectures and tutorials were spread evenly throughout the day and there was not a "day off" in my week eluded those for whom independent thought was an anachronism. So, I had to take a "dummy" course in order to get my hours up... here is where the story really begins. I noticed in the "rules" of the allowance that I had to pass at least 2/3rds of this bogus course. For this my nether regions and liver breathed a sigh of relief.
So, takes Psychology II does I with as much fervour as an English batsman during the fifth test. Now, we had a module "Abnormal Psychology" for which the lecturer thought 50 minutes of dictating the various symptoms of every Abnormal Psychological disease was appropriate higher learning. As you may realise, dear reader, I had absolutely no interest in writing reams of useless facts, I was here to perve (oops, I mean learn).
Cut to the morning of the end of term exam for Abnormal Psychology...
The exam was slated for 9am and as I lived 5 minutes amble from the exam room and had no intention of studying, I thought it a good idea to get totally maggotted the night before.
For those still reading, do you remember the first 5 minutes of Four Weddings and a Funeral? Well, think that as I awoke to the alarm clock saying 9:40am on that fateful morning.
Well, I fairly sprinted out of bed, threw on a tracksuit and ran to the exam room with 30 seconds to spare before cutoff. I did fairly smell of alcohol, cigarettes and serious morning breath, but that phased me not, as there was nobody I was trying to impress.
Question 2 comes up in the exam and its an essay question: "What is Abnormal Psychology?". Well, you could have knocked me over with a feather! In my (probably) still drunken stupor I decided to answer this question by having an absolutely rabid 3 exam book tirade on the values of dictating a course to students wishing to learn something, whilst giving way to fits of giggles as I wrote reams of drivel on how much of a crap lecturer the bloke was.... yes, dear reader, you guessed it, mine was marked by the aforementioned crap (and it came to pass humourless) lecturer.
I was called to his office just before the marks were posted on the notice board. The words he spoke to me are forever etched on my mind: "Mate, if I could have given you a lower mark I would have". My retort? Bloody nothing, thought of a few after though under the influence of Messrs Fosters and Carlton. The mark: 0!
The moral: was given an "Absent Fail" and kept all that lovely Grant Money from the Government, so result all around.
The (eventual) End... I make no excuses for anything!
(Wed 10th Jan 2007, 2:43, More)
Ahhh, those were the days
Back in the early 80's when an Australian University Education was free and designed to actually educate not make money, we had a cute little Student Allowance scheme for those of us who didn't have Daddy buying us a new car each year. This marvellous invention however came with strings: you had to be classed as a full-time student in order to attain your measly $23 per week - oh what a fortune!
After failing half of first year due to gaining High-Distinctions in debauchery and drinking, I had to retake most of my courses. What this left me with - according to the bureaucratic paper pushers was effectively a part-time degree. Now, the fact that all lectures and tutorials were spread evenly throughout the day and there was not a "day off" in my week eluded those for whom independent thought was an anachronism. So, I had to take a "dummy" course in order to get my hours up... here is where the story really begins. I noticed in the "rules" of the allowance that I had to pass at least 2/3rds of this bogus course. For this my nether regions and liver breathed a sigh of relief.
So, takes Psychology II does I with as much fervour as an English batsman during the fifth test. Now, we had a module "Abnormal Psychology" for which the lecturer thought 50 minutes of dictating the various symptoms of every Abnormal Psychological disease was appropriate higher learning. As you may realise, dear reader, I had absolutely no interest in writing reams of useless facts, I was here to perve (oops, I mean learn).
Cut to the morning of the end of term exam for Abnormal Psychology...
The exam was slated for 9am and as I lived 5 minutes amble from the exam room and had no intention of studying, I thought it a good idea to get totally maggotted the night before.
For those still reading, do you remember the first 5 minutes of Four Weddings and a Funeral? Well, think that as I awoke to the alarm clock saying 9:40am on that fateful morning.
Well, I fairly sprinted out of bed, threw on a tracksuit and ran to the exam room with 30 seconds to spare before cutoff. I did fairly smell of alcohol, cigarettes and serious morning breath, but that phased me not, as there was nobody I was trying to impress.
Question 2 comes up in the exam and its an essay question: "What is Abnormal Psychology?". Well, you could have knocked me over with a feather! In my (probably) still drunken stupor I decided to answer this question by having an absolutely rabid 3 exam book tirade on the values of dictating a course to students wishing to learn something, whilst giving way to fits of giggles as I wrote reams of drivel on how much of a crap lecturer the bloke was.... yes, dear reader, you guessed it, mine was marked by the aforementioned crap (and it came to pass humourless) lecturer.
I was called to his office just before the marks were posted on the notice board. The words he spoke to me are forever etched on my mind: "Mate, if I could have given you a lower mark I would have". My retort? Bloody nothing, thought of a few after though under the influence of Messrs Fosters and Carlton. The mark: 0!
The moral: was given an "Absent Fail" and kept all that lovely Grant Money from the Government, so result all around.
The (eventual) End... I make no excuses for anything!
(Wed 10th Jan 2007, 2:43, More)
» Insults
Aussie Rules Crowds
As there are a few of us from the Southern Clime here, I am sure that some of these will have been proffered, unfortunately, I don't have enough time to read through 40 pages of drivel, so if this has been repeated, please forgive me...
For those of you lucky enough to have been at a live game of Australian Football (Aussie Rules to the uneducated), you will also have been witness to some of the funniest lines delivered whilst passing comments on the "controllers" of the game - the Umpires, here are just a few:
* Mate, they obviously threw the wrong bit away at birth!
* You suppurating Sore!
* I have shat smarter things than you!
* When the world needs an enema, we will know where to shove the pipe!
* Did you take a course to become such a Wanker, or was it just a natural talent?
... just to prove the "Men in white" aren't the only ones to cop it, whilst watching Dale Lewis of the Sydney Swans stuff around near the boundary line entirely missing the footy, some smartarse loudly rang out with the following:
* Lewis, your hands are for more than wanking!
You are now returned to the more popular variations of Fucksocks!
Click I like this if you are from the Great Southern Land so that a few of our Northern Neighbours may share in our vernacular!
(Tue 9th Oct 2007, 4:23, More)
Aussie Rules Crowds
As there are a few of us from the Southern Clime here, I am sure that some of these will have been proffered, unfortunately, I don't have enough time to read through 40 pages of drivel, so if this has been repeated, please forgive me...
For those of you lucky enough to have been at a live game of Australian Football (Aussie Rules to the uneducated), you will also have been witness to some of the funniest lines delivered whilst passing comments on the "controllers" of the game - the Umpires, here are just a few:
* Mate, they obviously threw the wrong bit away at birth!
* You suppurating Sore!
* I have shat smarter things than you!
* When the world needs an enema, we will know where to shove the pipe!
* Did you take a course to become such a Wanker, or was it just a natural talent?
... just to prove the "Men in white" aren't the only ones to cop it, whilst watching Dale Lewis of the Sydney Swans stuff around near the boundary line entirely missing the footy, some smartarse loudly rang out with the following:
* Lewis, your hands are for more than wanking!
You are now returned to the more popular variations of Fucksocks!
Click I like this if you are from the Great Southern Land so that a few of our Northern Neighbours may share in our vernacular!
(Tue 9th Oct 2007, 4:23, More)
» Annoying words and phrases
Near Miss
This one truly gets me ready to hurl things at the telly (usually vapid newscasters) or strangle the fuckwit who says it!
A Near Miss is a fucking HIT!!!!!! If you nearly miss something then you have to have hit it, if what these numpties are trying to say is that they almost hit, then use that as the term that it was a Near Accident or a Near Hit, not a fucking Near Miss!!!
Red mist fades and goes back to taking the purple pills to make all the nasty things go away.
(Fri 9th Apr 2010, 3:42, More)
Near Miss
This one truly gets me ready to hurl things at the telly (usually vapid newscasters) or strangle the fuckwit who says it!
A Near Miss is a fucking HIT!!!!!! If you nearly miss something then you have to have hit it, if what these numpties are trying to say is that they almost hit, then use that as the term that it was a Near Accident or a Near Hit, not a fucking Near Miss!!!
Red mist fades and goes back to taking the purple pills to make all the nasty things go away.
(Fri 9th Apr 2010, 3:42, More)