» Shit Stories: Part Number Two

On an island far, far away
I’m sure that many people reading this are thinking, no way, it’ll never happen to me... I was one of you once. Have faith, good things come to all men (and ladies of course). One time is all you need.

My time happened to be on the Isles of Scilly, the island of Tresco to be precise. We’d been told to wait for our boat that would ferry us to St Mary’s on a rocky promontory called Carn Near. The small quay was full of blue-rinses and other coffin-dodgers who had come to marvel at the beauty of Valhalla (the supposed resting place of various Vikings on Tresco).

The boat picking us up was late and I had consumed a magnificent lunch of “freshly-caught” shellfish at a bargain price from the hospitable islanders.

“Freshly-caught??”. Hold on, weren’t these rascals here yesterday?? Hmmm, I thought as the first errant toot slipped between my cheeks not half an hour after my gluttonous meal.

I shuffled to the side a little in an attempt to release pressure… “No Deal” said my inner Edmonds… Jesus H Christ on a bike; this piscine poison was making itself known.

Oh Fuck, that’s not good… there was no release of pressure, all I could feel was an urgent straining of explosive poo with absolutely nowhere to go.

Most people will not know Carn Near, but essentially it is a concrete finger pointing into the ocean and I was right on the end of the fucker, cut off from dry land by the crowds of OAPs swarming to try and spot the delayed boat.

Two choices then:

1) Try and gallantly fight my way back through the hordes of angry pensioners, already riled at the tardiness of their motor-launch.

2) Shit down my legs and try to enjoy the momentary warmth of my own faeces and suffer the miserable feeling of dirtiness that would inevitably follow.

I was overcome by a cold sweat. The sweat of those who have been touched by bad fish and require urgent attention.. 1) above was not an option, and I was going to try and avoid 2) at all costs – it was a 40 minute ride back to the main island, a long time to be sitting I your own filth.

Still to this day I do not know what overcame me. With the bellow of a man possessed with an urgent need to shed his load, I wrenched down my jeans and undergarments, pale arse and genitatlia exposed to the horrified onlookers. Fortunately, there was one young lad near the front of the queue who recognised my predicament and held my hands as I hung my arse over the side of the quay and let fly.

I recall a couple of pensioners fainting as the fish came to the surface to nibble on my shit.

Heh, that’ll teach them.


Pop.


Hi by the way, I'm Steve x
(Sat 29th Mar 2008, 5:34, More)

» When Animals Attack

Maybe not strictly on topic but made me snigger a couple of times...

Especially at the "he took my trousers down" and the judge's summing up.

Thought I'd share:

"Extract from the Yorkshire Evening Post:

A drunk who claimed he had been raped by a dog was yesterday jailed for 12 months by a judge. Martin Hoyle, 45, was arrested by police after a passing motorist and his girlfriend found a Staffordshire bull terrier, called Badger, having sex with him at the side of a road in Huddersfield, West Yorkshire.

Prosecutor Ben Crosland said the couple had stopped to help because they thought Hoyle was being attacked by the animal. But when they got closer they saw that he had his trousers round his ankles, was down on all fours and the dog was straddling him from behind.

"The defendant mumbled something about the dog having taken a liking to him," said Mr Crosland. "The couple were extremely offended and sickened by what they saw." Another passing motorist contacted the police and Hoyle was arrested as he walked with the dog down the road.

Hoyle, of East view, Marsh, Huddersfield, told police "I can't help it if the dog took a liking to me. He tried to rape me."

He repeated the rape allegation at the police station and added "The dog pulled my trousers down." Hoyle, who has had a long-standing alcohol problem, was jailed for 12 months after he admitted committing an act which outraged public decency.

His barrister said Hoyle had no memory of the incident because of his drunken state, but was now very remorseful and incredibly embarrassed.
Jailing him, Judge Alistair McCallum told Hoyle "Never before in my time at the bar or on the bench have I ever had to deal with somebody who voluntarily allowed himself to be buggered by a dog on the public highway. Frankly it is beyond most of our comprehension. It is an absolutely disgusting thing for members of the public to have to witness."

Apparently genuine too:

www.museumofhoaxes.com/hoax/weblog/comments/3739/

lol
(Mon 28th Apr 2008, 18:41, More)