» Cringe!

Beer compass
When I was at university I went to Durham for a schoolmate's 21st. We started drinking when the pubs opened, and continued until they closed. Now at some time in the evening I really needed the loo so before I went I checked with my mates which bar they were going to next.

Once I'd been to the loo, they'd already left so I stumbled out into the street, looking for the fourth door on the left. Now maybe due to the copious quantity of booze we'd been enjoying, my usually reliable mathematical skills let me down somewhat. I knew that the door of this bar would be shut at this time (it was freezing cold outside), so I got to the door and pushed it open. I didn't realise that this might not have had music or cigarette smoke or anything you'd have associated with a bar at that time until I'd walked into a family's front room. Aware that this was not my intended destination, and not being such a huge fan of Family Fortunes as they obviously were, I made my excuses and left sharpish.
(Sun 30th Nov 2008, 18:59, More)

» Ouch!

Downstairs ouch, and gratitude
When I was at uni, doing what students do, or certainly used to, I had loads of booze and combined that with a sizeable number of jazz cigarettes.

In my less than sober state, I incredibly managed to secure the affections of a young lady. This was turning out to be the greatest night ever...! We stumbled back to her place (eventually), and both got nekkid on her bed. At this point the large amounts of drugs we had taken took control, and despite the fact that we were both ready for naughtiness, we had no option but to collapse on her bed and fall into a very deep sleep.

I woke up first, and noticed a small problem. Rememeber that I said we were ready to be naughty? Well I was still ready, in that I had fallen asleep with my foreskin down, only now I found that my purple helmet was bigger and purplier (neologism) than ever before. To the extent that it was so full of blood I was unable to pull my foreskin back over it... I skedaddled pretty sharpish and let myself out before the long, painful walk home.

Now as a man, I decided to follow the man's rule of health - not to worry about it until it's deadly serious, and let my body sort itself out - because it can't take long until normal service is resumed, surely? After three days it had not sorted itself out, and I had to walk like Chon Wang, so I went to see the doctor. The noble doctor managed to control his giggles (or at least I didn't read about it in last week's QotW), and referred me to Casualty. There I had the great pleasure of standing in a cubicle with my legs wide apart as a junior doctor took the next step in his education: pulling my foreskin back with rubber gloves and tonnes of vaseline. I wasn't given a stick to bite on (17th century surgery had at least one thing right), but managed to stop myself from screaming in pain as my soldier had his helmet restored at great painful length.

No lasting damage was done, and I am eternally grateful to the good people of the LGI for their patience and not openly laughing in my face. Remember kids, sometimes after overindulging it is often better to leave the sexytimes until the next morning, and gentlemen, never fall asleep without restoring your body to its intended state....

Length? Well it's now in perfect working order and this has been scientifically tested in the appropriate environments.
(Thu 29th Jul 2010, 21:14, More)

» Bizarre habits

More registration weirdness...
Numberplates have been mentioned several times already. Sometimes when I'm walking down the street I will spot a numberplate and then try to make the shortest word possible from the letters. The words have grown since the introduction of the five letter - two number plates, but occasionally you still get an old car with T453WAT or similar. For the purposes of this game, personalised plates are disallowed, because sometimes they're just too easy.

I can't remember the name of the quiz show, but there used to be one in the afternoon on which the contestants were given three letters and had to find the longest word with them in order. Does anyone else remember this, and more importantly, the title?
(Thu 1st Jul 2010, 20:59, More)

» Advice from Old People


When I was a kid my parents told me never to pick spots because if I did they'd turn into a pig's foot. Now I wasn't young enough to believe they would actually turn into a porcine trotter, so assumed that it was some kind of hilarious metaphor I didn't understand, much like the rude jokes I watched on the Two Ronnies that I later grew up to realise weren't funny. But no, they really meant a pig's foot, and for years I couldn't understand why they were threatening me with something that was clearly impossible.

Now 30, and no pig's feet! (although I do derive a perverse pleasure from picking the few spots I still get)
(Sun 22nd Jun 2008, 2:09, More)