» Pet Peeves

Execu-speak
People who use phrases like:
"There's no 'I' in team"
I have found a suitable response to this irritating statement:
"No, but there is a 'U' in CUNT"
(Wed 7th May 2008, 21:47, More)

» What's the hardest you've tried to get dumped?

Not my finest hour
Two years later (I know, a bit pathetic really) I finally found the confidence to “get back on the market” and wound up with someone 7 years my senior, the sex was amazing and we were at it like rutting rhinos for 3 solid months. Now the nicest thing you could say about the “relationship” was it was a lot of shagging with a fringe of conversation.

We had bugger all in common and outside the bedroom (I don’t mean to be nasty)she was one of the most tedious people I’d ever met. To make matters worse I had been told by a mutual friend that she thought she was falling in love with me, the feelings were not mutual. I therefore decided I had to do the honourable thing and end things before she got really hurt; however I’d never had to dump anyone before and didn’t know where to start. After some initial weeks of dithering on my part, I found myself on the receiving end of some threatening behavior from her ex.

I’m not proud of what I did, but with an “easy” way out in front of me I took it. She phoned me to apologise again and I told her I didn’t think I could cope with constant threats from her ex and thought we should end things. To be fair after a little pleading she seemed to finally accept it, wished me well and rang off.

Stupidly, I then decided to text my drinking partner (who had been in the loop) to tell him what had happened. Unfortunately, as I had been in the habit of texting one particular person for three months, I sent said message on ‘autopilot’. You can probably imagine her response to something along the lines of:
“THANK GOD FOR THAT, I’VE FINALLY DONE IT, FANCY A BEER?”

Now I guess I could have not answered her call and I probably didn’t need to go to her flat to explain myself; In retrospect I probably should’ve ignored the call and gone to the pub like I’d planned. I definitely shouldn’t have spent two and a half hours of my life dumping her all over again, this time explaining it was “me not her” and using every other tired cliché you can think of before she would accept an alternative explanation to the issue of her ex.

She still vainly tried to contact me for a while after, phone calls, turning up where I was, etc. but strangely I found ignoring her got far better results…
(Thu 5th Jun 2008, 16:55, More)

» I Quit!

Left a crap job, and they tried to screw me...
Way back in the mists of 2002 I ended up working full-time for Halfords (I'm still not quite sure how to this day); you can probably guess the kind of job, getting paid a shit wage for long hours and being expected to run a "superstore" for 10k a year.

To be honest after a while it started to damage my self esteem, so I decided to look for another job, which I eventually found and duly handed in my notice.

Now I considered myself on good terms with the management and while they were disappointed to be losing someone naive enough to be taken advantage of, no more was said....that is until 2 days later when I was marched into a disciplinary hearing and summarily fired for gross misconduct, I was a little surprised to say the least, but was so stunned by the whole experience by the time it had sunk in it had already happened.

Now luckily my new employer was quite understanding of my situation and agreed to let me start and would end my probationary period (one way or the other) once my "appeal" was heard.

Also, quite fortuitously, a friend of mine was studying law, more specifically employment law. As a result when the "top legal brains" from Halfords head office arrived, to make their trumped-up shit stick, I tore them to pieces and left them with nowhere to go but to reinstate me with full back pay.

Once I had it in writing I promptly told them I thought they were all a bunch of smarmy, smug, lying cunts and they could go fuck themselves and stick their job up their arses.

For some reason quitting was far more satisfying the second time around :)

I don't think they were surprised by my reaction, more by the fact that someone had actually argued with them and won.

That said writing this now makes my blood boil to know the person who put me through 3 months of torture and uncertainty effectively got away with it. Although on a happier note I found out some time later that he did something similar to another employee who wasn't quite as passive as I am, resulting in slashed tires followed by a rather serious beating and hospitalisation.

I'm not sure I believe in karma, but hey it works for me.
(Tue 27th May 2008, 16:56, More)

» My most treasured possession

A bit sad but...
At the age of 27 I still have my childhood security blanket; It lined my cot when I was a nipper and I used to drag it around like Linus from Peanuts for years afterwards, even now its rests neatly folded under my pillow at night.
It is, as you can imagine, a bit tatty but various offers of repair have been refused in case it didn't survive the "operation".
Luckily my missus thinks its adorable, or I might be in trouble.
(Thu 8th May 2008, 13:09, More)

» Pet Peeves

Almost everything but especially...
As this is my 1st ever B3TA post I’ll keep it brief or else I may start foaming at the mouth and fall over backwards:

Boris Johnson
How the fucking hell did this motherfucking cunting fuckwit manage to get elected Mayor of London? I am unable to see a single laudable quality that the man possesses. I am unfortunate enough to know people who voted for him because “he’s funny”, but is that a basis for electing someone to a position of power? He’s just another in a long line of posh tossbags who under no circumstances should be allowed into positions of authority. Actually while I’m here why not just extend this to all politicians, I think by definition anyone who wants to be a politician should under no circumstances be allowed to, bunch of twunts the lot of them.

Scooters
Gay? Tosser? Too scared to ride a real motorbike? Why not buy a 50cc scooter and spend your time annoying every other road user. There was a time when this could be restricted to pizza delivery pricks, unfortunately now every chavvy little wanker rides around on a machine that sounds like a wasp with anger management issues. And to make matters worse some of the little fuckers actually try and “Mod” them with neon lights et al, like you don’t look like enough of a cunt when riding one? And don’t even get me started on the way they ride them, I realise there are always exceptions to the rule but as a result of the minimal training required to ride one, the majority of them are a danger to themselves and everyone else. That said, I can’t help feeling a sense of grim satisfaction when I see one of them get wiped out by a car that they failed to give way to because it disputed their ownership of the road… Little fuckers
(Wed 7th May 2008, 12:29, More)