» Complaining

Letter to TV licensing
Roughly every 12 months, I get yet another letter from TV licensing asking me to confirm that I still haven't succumbed to temptation [sic] and bought a telly. "FUCK OFF!" I usually scream at the inanimate letter.

So I decided to write to them. I can barely contain my excitement for the next 12 months to see if they write again.



Customer Relations
TV Licensing
Bristol
BS98 1TL

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am in receipt of your letter, of a rather threatening tone, dated 26/7/10. This comes less than 12 months after I last informed you that I do not possess a television set, do not watch any television programmes as they are broadcast, and have no intention of changing either of these things.

You seem to work on the misguided assumption that everyone must watch broadcast television, and persist in using a threatening tone when requiring me, yet again, to explain that I do not. I am writing to you now though to explain a — perhaps misguided — assumption of my own.

I work on the assumption that people who send me unsolicited threatening letters are actually asking to suck my fucking cock. I'm quite happy to go along with this, but I do — of course — charge, in advance, for this privilege. I hereby request that you cease harrassing me with respect to my television viewing, and having explained my position to you, I hereby inform you that any further communication from you regarding this matter will be taken as a request to suck my fucking cock, and you will be invoiced £142.50 for this, payable within 21 days. It would be highly inconvenient for both of us if I were obliged to resort to the Small Claims Procedure of the County Court in order to secure payment of said invoice.

I trust this brings an end to the matter. I look forward to never hearing from you again, unless of course it concerns a request, with payment in advance, to come round a suck my fucking cock.

Best regards,


Sir Reginald Slapknackers
(Fri 3rd Sep 2010, 23:30, More)

» Amazing displays of ignorance

Security risk: PIN contains "numbers"
We had some relatives to stay recently, including an aunt's husband who I've never had much chance to speak to before. He's amiable enough, but it quickly became clear that trying to develop a logical argument about *anything* was a complete mystery to him.

My favourite thing that he told me was about a security problem inherent in bank cards that use a PIN for authentication, because "often, the numbers used for the PIN are also printed on the card itself". I questioned what he meant by that, preparing to show him an array of bank cards that don't have the PIN printed on them, but it turned out he just meant that the four digits that make up the PIN can sometimes be found — individually, randomly — among the other numbers on the card.

He was convinced that this presented a security risk, as criminals could use these "clues" to work out the PIN and steal your money.
(Sat 20th Mar 2010, 22:22, More)

» School Days

Tape recorded lesson
We had a student teacher for a number of weeks of A-level physics. He had a hilarious set of teeth that earned him the nickname Agrajag*, but once we'd got over that, he was actually pretty reasonable as student teachers go.
[*Minor character in the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, described as "a giant mutant bat with long curving teeth that lacerate his own face every time he moves his jaw."]

A couple of weeks into his time with us, he turned up with a tape recorder to record the lesson. He set it up on the front desk with the obviously silly instruction that we were to "ignore it and act as if it wasn't there".

There was the predictable round of fart noises and so on, but again, we settled down and got on with some physics.

...until a quiet period later in the lesson, when Karl's voice called out from behind me, "Sir, why are you standing on the table with your trousers round your ankles like that?"

Oh how we larfed.


Length? I didn't see, I was doubled up.
(Fri 30th Jan 2009, 0:14, More)

» Dodgy work ethics

Half dodgy ethics at work, half you-would-though-wouldn't-you
I knew a girl some time ago who had lost her virginity, aged 16, to a strapping lad who had delivered a sofa to her parents house while they were out. I think they may even have thus christened the sofa itself.

This came up in conversation with her because she'd just spent a weekend back at her parents place (~5 years later) and believe it or not, the same guy turned up with new bed. After a sideways glance and a big grin from both of them, they got straight down to it again.

As far as this QOTW goes, it's probably stretching the truth to suggest that any of this happened on the instruction of the guy's boss, but it's still broadly under the umbrella of ethically questionable behaviour at work.

You would have though too, wouldn't you?

Length? I'd guess about 20 seconds, given the circumstances.
(Sat 9th Jul 2011, 20:21, More)

» Will you go out with me?

On a beach, around a fire, with a guitar...
...the group had dwindled from twenty-odd down to just five, none of whom I'd known for more than 24 hours. The now Lady Slapknackers (also, as far as I know, in the company of at best casual acquaintances) suggested, for reasons that made perfect sense at the time, that she and her female companion would be willing to divest themselves of their clothes and run into the sea if only the three gentlemen present were to take the lead and perform said act themselves.

The three of us spent a couple of seconds looking at each other, said something the effect of, "Buggrit, why not?", promptly disrobed and legged it into the wet stuff.

And they didn't bloody keep their (well, strictly speaking, her) side of the bargain. Wasn't very warm either. Harumph.

Still, either allowances were made for the temperature of the water or bonus points were awarded for drunken bravado or something, but either way, that was seven years ago and our kids are very happy, as are we.

Edit: BTW, first post after a long lurk. Length, um... think of the cold! I'll try harder next time.
(Sun 31st Aug 2008, 21:55, More)