» Ouch!

Impatience is not a virtue.
One night, back in my student days, I used to twat about on my friend's farm. I'd known him since I was a wee boy, and his dad thought nothing of letting us loose with the farm equipment, as we'd often help out.

One day, we were indulging in some home-made cider (not the shit you get in packets these days, Lord only knows the strength) in the barn. There was absolutely nothing in it except some rusty red tractor.

After a few glasses (maybe 6) we decided we'd best get home to sleep it off for some coursework due in soon. I stood up, in almost pitch black, and instantly wobbled backwards. Straight onto the tractor. I heard a nice crunch, something that sounded like a louder version of the ever-satisfying back crunch. I fell down, drunk as a skunk, and sat there giggling for a bit.

The adrenaline wore off, and I realised that I couldn't feel my legs. I'd only gone and broken my bloody back!

A few weeks (6) of boring hospital food later, I staggered out of the hellhole with a few stitches and a bit of metal in my back. All was well, though, and the crutches helped me walk, alongside physio.

Not even a week after I was off the crutches, but still with a sore back, I was waiting in the Post Office queue for something or another. I was reading a book whilst in the queue as the blue rinse brigade often took ages in there. I obviously wasn't quick enough to move forward to fill a ONE PERSON space in said queue, nd some old biddy poked me right on the sore bit.

The poor woman nearly had a heart attack when I dropped to the floor and swore enough to make a sailor blush. THAT fucking hurt.
(Thu 29th Jul 2010, 23:32, More)

» Good Advice

Never argue with an idiot
They'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.
(Sat 22nd May 2010, 14:33, More)

» Amazing displays of ignorance

I do a bit of work on the side fixing peoples' computers for a small fee
I don't make millions or anything, but it gets me the extra clothing and holidays.

Somebody came to me recently telling me that their friend wanted me to fix their computer, as they were 'locked out' and couldn't rememebr their password. This wasn't completely unfeasible as mnay students have came to me for the same reason. I decided to have a go anyway.

The bloke could not remember even the format of the password, and he claimed to have changed it when drunk so it could be anything. Fair 'nuff, I have a look. I ran the password recovery disc and found the Administrator password.

I boot up the computer intially, and find that there are about 12 associated networks to log on to. Alarm bells are ringing at this point, but he was adamant that it was his, and he has just joined a lot of business networks.

The final straw was when I logged in to the machine and, upon asking him how long he'd worked for [London company], he immediately started aweating and asked if I could reformat the computer.

Needless to say I phoned the police and he was arrested. I was almost crying to the police officer as I was certain that I was going to get it in the neck for handling stolen goods. Luckily, that wasn't so.
(Mon 22nd Mar 2010, 1:32, More)

» Guilty Laughs

Oh, God, I can't help but laugh, at this
A woman goes to Lourdes to get her cerebral palsy fixed by the magic genie, and comes back with two broken legs. She dies.

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1298252/Sick-woman-went-Lourdes-cure-cerebral-palsy-returns-broken-legs.html
(Wed 28th Jul 2010, 22:49, More)

» Irrational Hatred

Grrr
People on Facebook who write words such as 'gawjus' or type replies that have unrelated 'x's in them. For example "awww hun hes gorjus x how u doingx wanna go to twn 2dai? Xx'

Duckface photographs. Love, you look terrible.

I don't know why this is, but when you're about go get onto a train, I can't stand those people who find a spot on the platform, then walk up and down the platform as they're estimating where the doors will open. Why not stay still, and there'll be a set of doors arriving near you? They're always the same people who try to shove their way onto the train before others are off. Also in this category, hearing the door opening button go 'clickclickclickclickclick' as some FUCKER is stood in front of the door that you're waiting to be released so you can leave the train. That fucker also tries to get on before you're off. FUCK OFF!

Kebabs. The crappy ones that come from a chunk of anus and eyeball meat that's been sweating on a pole in front of a radiator. Though I think I just hate the people who get so drunk that they queue up for ages to shove this crap down their necks!

Post offices. Namely, the old women in the queues for the things. But that's not so irrational :)
(Sat 2nd Apr 2011, 13:18, More)