» I Quit!

Job duration = 0
After the car delivery job I applied to work for a huge parcel delivery company named after a type of explosive.

I attended the interview and everything went well. Three days later I recieve the letter 'Dear Mr O'Ryleh, We are pleased to inform you..blah de blah... come in Friday for orientation. Love, Parcel-delivery-company-named-after-a-type-of-explosive'.
'Sweet!' thinks I...

At orientation we are shown the usual videos about company history and safety videos showing huge and tragic potential conveyor belt injuries, we sign our 5 million contracts and waivers and then we're told about the random drug testing.

'I begs your pardon?' says I
'Every week, 5 employees selected at random will be urine tested for illegal drugs'
'That's no good, I quit'
'B-b-beg your pardon? Why?'
'I take drugs. sorry'

And so it was that my shortest ever employment lasted exactly nought units of time.
(Wed 28th May 2008, 0:37, More)

» Amazing Projects

Radio Station!
Me and my mate Tom were unemployed, bored and stoned musicians. Fearing total withering of our souls from under/mis-use we decided to start our own radio station. 'What super fun we'll have! Just like the proper DJs" etc etc mindless gibberish.

The rules of the radio server we used were quite simple...

1. No hate speech - easy... we are peaceful stoners

2. No swearing before the watershed - we took this with a pinch of salt as internet radio is global therefore it always past the watershed somewhere in the world. Of course this means that it is also always before the watershed somewhere in the world. "Well, we have to ignore ONE of them otherwise we can NEVER swear and where would be the fun in that?"

3. All music played must have the full written permission of the copyright holder - Bums. A tricky one. No 'Led Zeppelin Hour' then. "But we have loads of music we've recorded ourselves and know loads of people in bands... shouldn't be too tricky!"

This went on for a week or two... Tom and myself getting boxed, playing our own music and a few tracks from friend's bands, about two hours worth in total, and talking gibberish at anyone we could convince to listen to us.

Then - BRAINWAVE! One of our friends was running a Facebook campaign to try and get an unsigned band into the charts. We could get the list of entrants from him, contact all the bands asking for mp3s and the all important permission, promote the hell out of his campaign and get loads more listeners.

That was about a year and a half ago. The station has had many ups and downs since then. At one point we were broadcasting every single day, we've played tracks recommended by B3TA including all of Kunt and the Gang and another band featured in the newsletter called Dataloaf, put gigs on up and down the country, had loads of unsigned bands in for interviews and live sessions and we're STILL going. Our database currently contains approximately 12 consecutive DAYS of music, all of it sourced by emailing bands and, more recently, by bands who have heard of us getting in touch and asking for airplay.

It's very much an ongoing project and broadcasting has scaled back considerably to fit around things like having to go to work. I can only do shows on Thursdays at the moment but hoping to get more stuck into that as time goes on.

Now, shill as I am, I'd very much like to chuck a link at the bottom of this post but am managing to restrain myself. However, if any B3TAN musicians or curious music lovers out there are interested gaz me or ask in the comments and I'll give you the linky/airplay you desire.
(Sun 20th Nov 2011, 15:37, More)

» Crazy People off the Internet

The Donutsh
I had an interesting experience with people off the internet once... I run a radio station** for unsigned bands and had some music from a fellow b3tan who is in a band called The Donutsh. I live in Thanet and had some work in London but, due to poor planning, I didn't have enough cash flowing to get to and from London every day so I put the word out, half-jokingly, during a radio show and got an email off Klepsie basically saying "Come and stay at my house, it's ok, we can get stoned". Great success!!

So I show up and Klepsie is lovely, we talk bollocks, we watch telly and all is good.

The second night we drive over to Henry the bass-player's house and things get weird. Henry has an interest in Research Chemicals. 'Research Chemicals' is a euphemism for anything legally-obtainable that can get you high. Flavour of the month is AM2201* - a potent non-selective cannabinoid receptor agonist. Essentially that means it gets you allofthestonedatthesametime... drooling-laughing-hungry-stupid-razorsharp-insightful stoned.

I took a hit from a normal cigarette dipped in this mysterious white powder and within 30 seconds I was further gone than I ever have been before. Paralysis and paranoia. I couldn't move for what seemed like hours and the whole time I was convinced something terrible was about to happen. "What have they given me.... weird white powder.... what if it's PCP... why can't I move... Maybe they are satanists... they are going to drag me into the courtyard, strip me naked, and ritually bugger me...."

I started to regain control of my limbs and move around a bit. The head of a cat popped up over the edge of the coach. "Oh that's nice" I thought, "It's all so obvious now.... the cat is the LEADER!! If I make friends with the cat they won't ceremonially humiliate me!!". Of course... it all made sense! I started to stroke the cat, the cat loved it and started doing all cat-things.. rubbing it's head on me, purring and started to climb onto me.

When I initially sat down on the couch I had kind of leant back and lifted my balls up so I could cross my legs. The cat climbed on to me and sat down directly on my balls. So warm. It started purring and stared me straight in the eye. There is a warm throbbing presence on my testicles and I want, no - NEED to impress it. It's a matter of life and death. I swear the cat wants to have sex with me. It looks... horny. It is trying it's hardest to give me a hard-on. What do I do. I'm going to get raped by a cat or The Donutsh.

I started to stare at the curtains while trying not to cry. At some point I became aware that I was in a room full of people laughing and joking. I was safe. They were friendly. We could watch Metalocalypse and smoke some more AM2201.

*AM2201 is commonly sold to labs who need soemthing with which to clean their gas chromatography equipment.

**shameless plug - www.federalradio.co.uk - live shows Thursday and Sunday evenings... join us! send us your music! :)
(Sun 25th Nov 2012, 23:49, More)

» What's the hardest you've tried to get dumped?

Lovecats.
I was going out with a girl for three years. Not so long but it sure seemed it at the time. I wont go into why because this will just turn into an unending stream of woe and I'd much rather keep it light.

She was an anal sex freak which, although I am partial, can get annoying when it's every single time you get jiggy.

Something had to give.

It was my penis.

Now don't worry it didn't snap off inside her or anything, it just stopped performing as it should. She was very sympathetic at first... offering me sympathy and trying to be gentle. But, as soon as she proffered the ringpiece I would soften like a flump on a hot day.

I was making myself think of tiny kittens.

Kittens crawling on my cock and licking my balls. Mewing and scratching with barely open eyes. Tiny little innocent blind kittens covered in semen and lady-juices.

Some people out there might get the opposite effect from those kind of thoughts, I dunno, whatever floats yer boat... For me it had the most instantaneous softening effect.

Her dissatisfaction led to her sleeping with one of our housemates. I'll never forget the day he came and confessed to me. Poor guy had to get it off his chest I guess.. "I've been sleeping with ****. I'm really sorry man..." and a whole load of other blah. I wasn't listening, I just had three words running through my head over and over and over. "You Poor Bastard"

Four days later I moved out, 3 months later I left the country. I still get the odd email from her about how much she misses me and loves me. I occasionally print them out then screw them up into a ball and throw them in the bin.. just for pleasure. I haven't had to think of the kittens for a long time now and it feels great.

Length? Have you ever tried to use a six day old kitten as a sort of novelty condom? Well don't. They're too fucking small.
(Fri 6th Jun 2008, 4:51, More)

» My Biggest Disappointment

Suicide
Waking up in hospital with a tube stuffed up my japs-eye, needles in my arms, unable to walk due to the prodigous amounts of stolen carbodiazepam that still hadn't metabolized after 3 days in a coma, one of my dearest friends (now sadly deceased after a bit of the ole suicide himself) sat in a chair by the bed, the sensation of having a beer can lodged in my arsehole (actually an enormous black turd like a lump of coal), the shame, guilt and fear about what everyone would say and feel and the sense of utter humiliation that it hadn't worked.

Suicide was an utter let down. On the plus side though, I did get better after a few years of therapy and intense self-questioning under the influence of LSD.

Do not attempt this at home kids.
(Wed 2nd Jul 2008, 22:42, More)