» Faking it

Oh, the shame!
Not me - promise - But a friend at Edinburgh Uni. You know who you are! He pulled one boozy night then couldn't get the old chap to carry out his duties. Drunken logic kicked in and he retrieved a loo-brush from the bathroom, which he proceeded to thrust in and out of his pullee whilst moaning in ersatz pleasure. She rumbled him half way through and was very, very far from thrilled...
(Wed 16th Jul 2008, 20:08, More)

» Spoilt Brats

Me!
I went to public school then one of the posher Universities and I was SPOILT. I'd grown up in a vast house in Kensington and used to feel sorry for people who lived in terraced houses. The idea that neighbours could be separated from you by only a wall completely freaked me out. At Uni I had a wacking great monthly allowance and a car... you get the picture.
I never looked down on anyone (far too insecure to do that) but I never got round to imagining what life must be like for anyone who wasn't in my shoes. I fear then that I must often have given the impression of brattishness. It simply never occurred to me that I was 'flashing' cash - I was just buying things.
Unfortunately what I mostly bought was heroin, which made me feel better about coming from an emotionally illiterate family that sent me away to boarding school aged seven where I was systematically abused.
I was in rehab by 21; I'd pissed away my trust fund by 35 and I now live in a house where the neighbours are often audible through a thin wall.
I know the knee-jerk reaction when you see a braying idiot in a rugby shirt is to feel a curious blend of repulsion and envy, but there are some wounded souls amongst them. Do as you would have done to you.
(Tue 14th Oct 2008, 16:15, More)

» Blood

Jacuzzi horror...
My wife (then gf) was babysitting for wealthy friends who were spending a weekend in t'country. I came round after the kiddies had gone to bed with the expressed intention of bonking her unconscious in their large jacuzzi.
We get in and soon she is looming over me, her pendulous, soapy breasts engulfing my face. She gently mounts my cock and wiggles downwards. Suddenly - shark attack! The jacuzzi turns red. The water-jets and bubble-bath combine to create a groovy but gory, crimson froth effect. Yup, the ol' banjo string done snapped itself. Cue worst blue balls in recorded history. Couldn't even wank for weeks. Plus the outer skin of my penis became obscenely mobile to the point where I could pull it almost down to my abdomen, allowing me to see more of the purple sausage than any man ever should.
(Wed 13th Aug 2008, 10:20, More)

» Best Films Ever

Ooh, I've got another one!
A looong forgotten hardcore porno called Glitter Sex which I watched on pay-per-view in my San Francisco hotel room, whilst on holiday with my parents in 1986. My father had prepaid for our stay and we were only there for one night, so the itemized bill consisted of some breakfast extras - and Glitter Sex.
I was barefaced in my denials and good old Dad
refused to believe his 12-year-old son was capable of such mischief, so he steadfastly refused to pay for it. The hotel management caved in. Huzzah!
I got three wank-free orgasms on the house, each brought about by the mere friction of cock against sheet, so aroused was I by this never-before imagined level of depravity.
(Thu 17th Jul 2008, 20:20, More)

» Best Films Ever

Misery
I just love that bit when Kathy Bates says, "God, I love you," to James Caan - then proceeds to annihilate his ankle with some specie of mallet.
Actually I thought Dolores Clayborne was bloody brilliant, too.
(Thu 17th Jul 2008, 20:03, More)