» Schadenfreude

Petrolhead Ha Ha
Today as I was driving in South East Kent. I was driving up to this roundabout when out of the corner of eye I saw this BMW M5 approaching the roundabout from the road to the left (ie I had priority) VERY fast I thought to myself " This will be close..........." "Oh Shit.......he's not stopping......" at which point I heard an almighty screech of brakes and an ominous CRUNCH as he lost the M5 on the icy road, Hitting and mounting the roundabout side on !!!!!

What this moron hadn't seen was the Police Patrol car 2 cars behind me, I got out of my van to be greetd by a torrent of abuse from this Moron which soon stopped when he saw the law getting out of their car and various other drivers getting out of their vehicles as well.

All I heard from the Policeman were the Immortal words "Is this your car si ......... I can smell alcohol, Have you been drinking sir ?"

He had to blow into the nice Policemans Bag and he was then offered a chance for a nice sit down in the back of their car while they pointed out the error of his ways !!!!!

I had to take a Breath test as well, which was just as well, I dont drink in the weekdays as need my licence for my Job.

According to the Policeman I spoke told me he was Going to be charged With Driving Under the Influence, Possibly Dangerous Driving and if that couldn't be made to stick, driving without due care & Attention !!!!

I think thats what he said but I had started to feel a bit faint by now and needed to have a wee sit down when I saw how close to the rear of my van he had came !!!

His car looked a write off and he looked pig sick.

Misfortune NO But Schadenfreude definitly.

What a wanker !!!!!
(Fri 18th Dec 2009, 19:40, More)

» Vomit Pt2

Vomit and the deathly silence !!!!
Many moons ago I went out on the slash with friends and ended up in the dog house for what seemed like weeks.

Apparently I came home slightly pissed after drinking the best part of a bottle of vodka in an evening.

When i eventually got up in the morning nobody in my family was speaking to me,apparently I had got up in the middle of the night and chundered in the WC and gone back to bed,(Little did I know that I had missed the toilet and chundered all over the toilet seat).

A little later mummy dearest decided to get up and have a wee without putting the bathroom light on....... Yep she sat on my by now cooling vomit laden toilet seat !!!

Too say the atmosphere was frosty for the next few weeks would be an understatement, Even the dog appeared to be Pissed off with me.

The Old dear has never missed an oppertunity to embarass me ever since, When I took my future wife home it was nearly the first thing she was told about me, On our wedding day it was "bought up" as it were.

My ma-in-law was told, everybody in my family knows the story backwards.

I also once managed to throw up while riding my Motorbike home and wearing a full face Helmet that was interesting to say the least !!!!!
(Thu 7th Jan 2010, 18:15, More)

» The Dark

The Dark and Poaching !!!!!!!
Many moons ago whilst in the scouts we went down to Exmoor on a camping trip, It was agreed that as we had all taken our fishing gear with us we would go and try out Poaching for sea trout and Salmon at night.

Not far from our camp site was a river, that over the mists of time I have forgotten the name of, that was a Private fishing river.

We set out late at night to go on for our illicit fishing trip, not realising quite how dark it could get on Exmoor.

After about 1/2 an hour of absolute boredom all of a sudden this massive bright light was switched on illuminating night like day !!!!!!

I droppped the rod in the water and legged it, after cowering under a bridge for a while I suddenly realised that the "Searchlight" was actually a full MOON...........Dohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Never did get my rod back but lost my fear of the night/dark after that!!

I was probably 12-13 years old at the time.
(Sun 26th Jul 2009, 18:19, More)

» Vomit Pt2

Learning to Chunder !!!!!
When I was about 7 or 8, (Many,Many years ago now) we went to stay with My maternal Grandfather.

He was a butcher and used to slaughter his own meat and I suspect that is what caused the following disaster.

After going to bed I suddenly got a very strange feeling in the guts that I now realise was my first official warning of imminent chundering.

I managed to get up and get a bowl from the kitchen, went back to bed and promptly through up what felt like at the time the whole of my guts.

I then thought "...I'll put the bowl on the side of the bed so i could find it easily find it when I neede it again"!!,so after falling asleep I must have turned over in the night and spilt the entire contents of the bowl all over me, the bed, the floor,everywhere I looked there was chunder, Frankly it made me want to throw up again God I smelt awful !!!!!

As I have done many times since I attempted to clear up the mess without anyone knowing...... WRONG.

I gave the game away by going down to breakfast with sicky bed head and a fairly obnoxious smell that caused my parents to nearly Vom themselves.

I have since thrown up many times and in many places but the first one was memorable.
(Wed 13th Jan 2010, 21:10, More)

» The Dark

The Dark & the Exorcist
Another darkness story.

Went to see the Exorcist at a Local flick house in west london, arrived their on my Motor Bike and after seeing the film drove home convinced that My crash hat was possessed !!!!!

Never watch a scary movie since !!!
(Sun 26th Jul 2009, 18:40, More)