» My most gullible moment

Gullible ex
Never underestimate the power of education.
One night I was out with my (ex)wife when she remarked how cold it was.
'Why do you think that is?' i said
'Well the sun isn't out at night'
'True but it's colder than that would make it, don't you think?'
'Yes, yes you're right.'
'So what could make it that cold?'
'Don't know.'
'Well the sun shines and it gets hot but at night the moon shines..' I paused
'and it gets cold!' she said triumphantly, 'the moon shines cold.'

You know i didn't even feel like a twat for that.
(Thu 21st Aug 2008, 20:19, More)

» Siblings

A lesson for the nation
My younger brother left school during the era where you were scarcely taught but they wanted to give everyone a qualification so someone somewhere could say everyone leaving this school has proof of education. (And someone in the government would get a knighthood for raising educational standards).
So it was that my brother's final act on leaving school was to take the 'Basic Numeracy Test' (imagine what you will what this involved). He duly received a letter congratulating him on his outstanding performance on having achieved the pass mark, he scored 29%. My mum asked, '29% is that good.' (why did she need to be told? FFS) to which my brother replied, 'No it's wank.' I'm sure if a representative of the Education Authority had been there he would've been made a Professor of English to go with his maths qualification.
Scoot forward to Xmas 2008 and he's just been made redundant for the second time in his life; since the age of 16 he has worked 20 out of 21 years give or take a month or so. He has never risen to anything higher than QA at the factory where he worked (the bloke who checks the mouldings to say if they are ok or not) and although saving as much cash as he can lives in an area where the council drop all the people who disrupt normal folks lives.
And when he lost his job he phoned mum to tell her but broke down in tears as he felt being unemployed was shameful.
He's never saved anybody's life, discovered or invented something fantastic and he isn't even the sort of hero who picks up 130k a week for kicking a football but f*ck me purple, i'm so proud that someone with so little going for them can just knuckle down and work and he just happens to be my brother.
(Mon 29th Dec 2008, 15:21, More)

» Cringe!

Will telling you make it better?
Picture it; the late 70s, I was a young teen, CB radio was not yet legal to use but a friend of a friend had one. There'd be about 4 or 5 of us circling this thing as if we were planning the Italian Job and expecting the police to burst in any moment. Any road, being a shy, teenager I was reticent to have a go but happy just to watch and listen and maybe peek out from the curtains from time to time to make sure the sweeney weren't about to burst in and give us a good beating.
Until that fateful day.
We were on the channel where you hook up with people to talk, (was it 14? I seem to remember the phrase' one-four a copy') when up pops this higher than normal voice.
'It's a lass', says my mate in amazement, this was unheard of.
Suddenly I was brave and could talk, I wasn't good with girls but with her being out of sight, I'd suddenly got the confidence of an Ayia Napa holiday rep.
There were less of us than usual which helped me get my hands on the mic and i was straight in with the questions and cheesy chat up lines, i'd been talking for a couple of minutes when my mind starting coming back on line and i asked, 'how many candles you burning?'
'Eleven'
Fuckin' hell i'd been chatting someone up young enough to be my younger sister, at an age where a 3 year age gap was very significant.
'Well you're probably a bit young for me to take out.'
Shitty death! Did i just say that?
There was a silence at the end of the line.
My mate took the mic back and asked the question that any normal person would've.
'What's your handle good buddy?'
'Ballboy'
I had made a pass at an eleven year old lad, in the days when homosexuality would get you beaten up by your mates, strangers, the police, your parents, the local vicar, even the Prime Minister would've belted you one.
I went so red my face would've warned passing planes that there was a hazard, whilst my mates simply soiled themselves.

Post script: if ever i meet the chap i did this to, i'd like to buy him a pint to say sorry. I only hope that i haven't damaged this chap in anyway and maybe started him on a life of taking it up 'the wrong un'.
(Sun 30th Nov 2008, 13:31, More)

» The most childish thing you've done as an adult

a lovely lass i knew
whenever we went to bed i'd send her up first then open the bedroom door and anounce, 'I've come to check your plumbing love.' As i tried to unblock her pipes with my drain rod i'd sing the music from a classic 70s porn movie. It was fun but pointless.
(Thu 17th Sep 2009, 21:31, More)

» Sexual fetishes

was a friends house once
getting pissed, went to the toilet and had a sit down pee. After about 15 seconds the door burst open and she announced, 'your taking too long.' Dropped her jeans and knickers and sat on my lap facing me. I gather this was a practiced maneuver as she got 98% of her piss into the bowl via my cock & balls which gave me the most enormous erection(for a man of my age). This story has no happy ending though; she got off and said 'use the toilet roll to clean up' and before i knew it we were back in the front room watching a film but me having to sit uncortably for about 30 mins.
(Wed 28th Oct 2009, 21:42, More)