» Prejudice

Affluent white kids purporting to be of black ghetto stock.
Pastier than the Pilsbury dough-boy and talking patois. "Ya know wha' I mean, bro, innit?"

Listening to Gangsta Rap and throwing complicated hand gestures at the other white residents in yo 'hood whilst wearing a baseball cap incorrectly and a hooded top that your Mum bought for you.

Pretending to like Ice T and secretly listening to Katy Perry.

Lurking around outside McDonalds with some other nice white middle class boys dressed as Crips desperately wishing to impress equally nice middle class white girls dressed as prostitutes.

Pissing away the most crucial, formative years of your life in your all-out quest to appear dangerous and non-conformist, just like all those other dangerous, non-conformists sitting around you eating their McBurgers and dropping the wrappers to show their dangerous, non-conformist attitude.

Dreaming of the day your parents will buy you that Vauxhall Corsa so that you can add a huge stereo to play with the windows wound down, a ridiculous skirting and body-kit, and the undersill neon strip-lighting which will let you pretend you're Vin Diesel as you hit the redline at forty-seven miles an hour down the Purley Way.

You are the future of this nation and I despise you all.
(Mon 5th Apr 2010, 8:43, More)

» Things to do before you die

Be the filling in a Minogue sandwich.

(Thu 14th Oct 2010, 17:19, More)

» Family codes and rituals

*Bu-u-urp* - Arseholes!
No idea where this one started, but it's been in our house for ages. It is the law that all burps must be delivered at the maximum volume possible and immediately followed by a statement of 'Arseholes!'. I blame my mother...

Likewise, the bending down and retrieving of any item dropped on the floor must always, always be accompanied with a loud, pathetic whine as the breath leaves the body on the way down to the object in question.
Everyone in the family is used to this ritual by now, but you don't half get some funny looks when you knock a CD off a shelf in HMV and sound like a loudly-deflating Jimmy Savile picking it up...
(Thu 20th Nov 2008, 21:40, More)

» Easiest Job Ever

Photographer's assistant
Spent a week on work experience back in the Eighties with a guy who had a contract with Mira Showers for their latest brochure. One entire, happy day was passed holding a gold Lastolite reflector two feet from a topless Linda Lusardi.
Got a signed photo from her and a fifteen quid bonus from him.
Easy money, and a particularly awesome day for a spotty seventeen year old, I'm sure you'll agree...
(Fri 10th Sep 2010, 5:26, More)

» Letters they'll never read

Dear Ainsley Harriot,
Just a small letter of thanks for the part you played in me getting my letters.

Every time your cheerful, grinning face appeared on my telly, I turned it off and went and wrote a bit more of my dissertation.

Cheers, mate!

Fish (BSc)
(Sun 7th Mar 2010, 13:55, More)