» Call Centres

Pea-roastage
…I had to pull a late one at work to replace a shitload of network hardware that was getting a bit twitchy after 5 solid years of use – an operation which would render the entire company network inoperable for about 2 hours. I planned to get a start 30mins after the traditional end of the business day. Simple and painless.

Of course, I sent no less than three emails warning my company’s users about this, giving them literally days’ notice and a reminder the very day of the planned presto-chango action. Taking the lack of enquiries as a sign that everyone had gotten the message, I took the site offline as planned and began taking stuff to bits. Not more than 10 minutes after I had gotten started, I got a call on my mobile from a manager in one of our branch offices, a stroppy menopausal bint whose offensive mouth was a known fact – the conversation went like this:

ME: Good ev…
MSB: It’s not working!

I’d already guessed what was going on but her rudeness from the offset got my back up, so I decided to give her enough rope to hang herself. Non-geeks often fail to realise that IT folk are like waiters - woe betide you if you piss us off, and you won't know of our retribution until its too late. We have much more power than most people realise. So anyway:

ME: I’m dandy, thanks for asking – what can I do for you?
MSB: I’ve already told you – {idiot voice} I-T-S N-O-T W-O-R-K-I-N-G!
ME: {stroppy bint’s name}, you know that I’m responsible for a good few systems here – I’m going to need some specifics.
MSB: There's nothing specific about it - {more idiot voice} N-O-T-H-I-N-G I-S W-O-R-K-I-N-G! We’ve got no database, no email, no nothing – what are you going to do about it? I'll tell you now, whatever you do you’ll have to do it quick!
ME: Tell me, did you get the emails I’ve been sending about planned network downtime the past few days?
MSB: {incredulously} I never read those! My time's too valuable to waste on that jargonny stuff!
ME: I see. Okay, for one, I’m most definitely not a sympathetic ear to the view that my emails aren’t worth reading and two, if you or indeed anyone else in your office had bothered to read even one of the emails, you’d now be with the rest of the company in knowing that the network is going to be offline – ENTIRELY – for a couple of hours starting about fifteen minutes ago.
MSB: That’s not good enough! I can’t finish this with no network – you’ll have to bring it back now!
ME: I’m sorry, that’s not possible. You see, as I stated in the email, I’m replacing a number of pieces of network hardware tonight and I’ve already half-dismantled what was in there to start with – I mean to go ahead and replace the parts as planned.
MSB: {muttered profanities} I can’t believe this! {my boss’ name} is going to face some stern words tomorrow, and you can take that to the bank!
ME: That’s your perogative, of course, but remember that in this case your problem is in fact your own fault for ignoring official instructions. You see, I don’t send emails with high importance simply to remind you that I exist – I send them when I feel there’s something you need to know. {my boss’ name} will most probably tell you the same.
MSB: {impatient sigh} Okay, so when’s it going to be back on? I need to get this done before 6pm, y’know.
ME: Also included in the emails were the timescales for this, but since you, er, missed them, I’ll clue you up. I originally expected to be done by 7:30 for 8, but it may take a little longer now.
MSB: {more muttered profanities and cant-believe-this'es} Oh, and why’s that then?
ME: Because of the time I’m wasting on this call. With that in mind, is there anything else I can help you with?
MSB: Oh, fuck off {click}.
ME: My sentiments exactly - bye then.

She did call my boss the next day, recommending that I be disciplined for my attitude, and naturally my boss collared me about it. I detailed our telephone conversation and my boss agreed both that she was being a needlessly stroppy and abusive cunt and that she deserved everything she got for ignoring my emails in any case. I even got to sit by and overhear the conversation where my boss told her exactly that, though he was slightly more diplomatic about the stroppy cunt part. She must have gotten arsey with him too because he added that if she kept better track of her work deadlines, she wouldn't find herself in such situations. Silent applause from me for the coup de gras there.

Eventually, she pissed off one person too many with her obnoxious tone and got shown the door. A few people have missed her since, but I'm not one of them.
(Mon 7th Sep 2009, 15:27, More)

» Festivals

Longdrop toilets
Leeds Festival, a few years ago

friday morning, suffering an epic hangover and in need of a crap, I decide to brave the dreaded longdrops.

Open the door encountering the most foulest smells known to man-even the thought of it to this day makes me gag. so I drop my pants and about to park my arse (or hover) when suddenly...

'POP UP PIRATE!!!'

I leapt up in fear and turned round to find a man literally poking his head out the hole wearing a snorkel and mask, I never ran so fast.

sometimes I wonder, why would anyone want to wade in excrement? or how the hell he actually managed to get in there?
(Thu 4th Jun 2009, 23:40, More)

» Call Centres

more pea-roastage
Numero 1,

I had a customer call to say they wanted to disconnect their mobile as it was too expensive,
ME "ok, do you think your talkplan is too high?"
HIM "No"
ME "so what are you finding expensive?"
HIM "The batteries, I am switching my phone off after every call I make, but the batteries run out within a month & it was too expensive to keep buying new ones!"
(He added that he had so far bought 3 batteries at a cost of about £50 a piece.)
ME (biting lip) "are you aware that the batteries are rechargeable?... that's why we supply a charger."
HIM "Shit"
The line went dead

Numero 2,

...selling round-the-world tickets to a couple of (rich) gap year students:

Customer A: "So we'll be in Sydney for new year then?"
Me: "Yes"
Customer A: "Is it their summer then?"
Me: "Yes"
Customer B: "So when do Australians celebrate Christmas?"
Me: "July"
Customer B: "Really?"
Me: "No"
(Tue 8th Sep 2009, 15:43, More)

» Eccentrics

Maccy D's
One Saturday evening many moons ago, I lent my mate £2 so he could get himself a BigMac, at the time there was a promotion on where you pull the little flap on the box and you could win something, so he pulled the flap off and won...another bigmac, on that box, he also won...another big mac, this continued and he'd won about 6 bigmacs.

so we were waiting at the bus stop for our ride home, chomping on loads of bigmac's and laughing and joking like the teens we were until a middle aged woman,in about her 50's at the bus shelter turned round and shouted

'Behave yourselves!!'

my mate turns round and says
'calm down, cant I have a laugh with my friends?'

She then says
'Im a pregnant woman you know!'
'your pregnant?'
'.......yes'

we burst out laughing, she then proceeds to get and umbrella out of her bag and threaten us with it, until a bus parks a few stops up, she jumps up runs like hell towards the vehicle shouting

'ITS ME BUSSSSS!!!!!'

and launches herself onto the handrail, grabs it, swings round, banged her head and ends up rolling in the middle of the pavement
We was LMAOing whilst the poor woman was assisted onto the bus and she was on her way.

We was all enjoying a good chuckle until one of our lads, not the sharpest tool in the shed, blurts out..

'she weren't wearing any pants y'know....'
'ERRRGGHHHHHHHH!!! you actually looked....'
(Fri 31st Oct 2008, 18:44, More)

» School Days

another from me
At our school there was a girl (i think...) from the council estate, her name was Harriot, she was incredibly tall, with short hair and flat chested, with her bag all the way up to ther shoulders nearly over her head, socks tucked into her trousers and her oversized glasses.

She spent her lunchtimes in the spaz room, reading dictionaries, and she also had a psychotic hatred for nintendo,and if you was to say 'nintendo'(or anything involving the 'N' word) to her, commonly she'd scream 'SEGA!!!' at you, however sometimes she'd go on a rampage

I'll give a couple of examples...

If you was to say 'Mario's in the bin' she'd turn into the incredible hulk and start kicking the bin and trying to rag it out the ground, etc..

If you said 'King Koopa's behind you', she'd run off screaming

If you was to say 'Donkey Kong's in your bag' she throw her bag off into the mud and give it a good kicking

The best was when she was on the toilet and some girl in the toilet opposite her shouted 'Marios in the toilet!!' or something, she jumped up off the toilet and ran out into the corridor screaming with her pants round her ankles...which put her in detention

everyone stopped bullying her after our headteacher read out the list of definitions for a 'bully' during an assembly

saw her a while after walking down the path, humming to herself, curiously I asked..

'what you humming?'

'Tetris theme tune' she says
(Fri 30th Jan 2009, 16:34, More)