» School Days

Stories from CLHS, Lancs

1. Friend of mine was very fond of a teacher who had decided to retire, so she had a collection and bought him a tankard. On the day of presentation, a lad in her class decided to take the piss and started to shout that she was in love with the elderly gent, so good ole Rosie hit him around the head with her knap-sack. He had a deep gash in the head and had to be hospitalised.

2. History teacher known as the sheepshagger (who spat so much when he spoke that he you need a towel) was not the most popular chap. Same person as mentioned above (female) really hated, a feeling that was mutual so on one day she, as was her wont chose to scream “SHEEPSHAGGER” through the open door and leg it. Problem was that he had had a very bad day and this one action caused a complete mental breakdown. He started throwing things at the pupils who were very soon ushered out of the chamber for their own protection. Was never heard of again.

3. One day at my primary school a couple of children decided to find out what would happen if the dropped someone on their head. Middle of summer, parched earth, again rushed to hospital, but no serious injury. Most of my school year are now in clink for sexual and violent offences.

4. English teacher Susan H decided on Maths teacher Mr Sunny G’s birthday to surprise him by borrowing a pupil’s sister’s wonderbra and singing Happy Birthday to him a la Marilyn Monroe while doing a striptease.
(Fri 30th Jan 2009, 23:40, More)

» Common

Extensive List
After writing this, I now realise that I have a problem.

1. Being called mate, pal, dude, bub or guy by anyone (including close friends).
2. Blacon, Ellesmere Port, Connahs Quay and Flintshire/Deeside
3. Bulldogs or Rotweillers et al.
4. Calling your children Harvey/Hervey, Leyton, Tyler, Courtenay, Chelsea, Kaylegh, Romeo, Tyrone, Germaine, Leroy,
5. Chewing gum, why? Eat a wine gum instead.
6. Dragging your feet.
7. Eating in public.
8. Eating without a knife. You are not American, they cannot help doing it, YOU can.
9. External multi-coloured Christmas decorations (the white lights can be done tastefully in moderation)
10. Fake breasts.
11. Family photographs taken in a studio with a cloudy grey/cloudy brown background. Except for when you get your degree, you have no choice.
12. Fish knives.
13. Girls with shiny makeup. Why TRY to look sweaty?
14. Gold “Mr T” style jewellery.
15. Gypsy earrings (they are a type of hoop).
16. Hands free mobile kits (I once tried to talk to a woman at Morrisons because I thought she was talking to me).
17. Inflecting at the end of a sentence when you are not asking a question (again, you are not American, and even if you are you should not do it either).
18. Leather sofas.
19. Lounge, it’s a sitting room.
20. Men wearing jewellery other than a wedding band, thong/bead necklace or watch.
21. Men with any piercings.
22. Mispronouncing Anthony/Antony. However you spell it you never pronounce the aitch.
23. Not pronouncing ing, ick, t and d.
24. Onion rings.
25. Orange Tans.
26. Over using exclamation marks when either one would do, or none should be used.
27. Owning Louis Vuiton, especially authentic Louis Vuiton.
28. Plasma screens that are too big (they can be dangerous for your eyes and you cannot see the program very well), just showing off.
29. Playing dance music in your car so loud that you have to have the window open so your eardrums do not split.
30. Rap/House/Dance music.
31. Saying “Gutted”.
32. Saying “Like” at the beginning or end of every sentence.
33. Saying “Pleased to meet you”. Are you, are you really, why? Since we have only just met how can you know. My grandmother was told by her mother (who worked for the Duke of Buccleuch and Queensberry) to only ever say “How do you do”. Professor Higgins was right.
34. Saying “Random” instead of coincidence/coincidentally.
35. Saying “Right” at the beginning or end of every sentence.
36. Saying “So” as in Sooooooo Coooooool, Sooooooo Fit
37. Saying “You know what I mean”/”You know what I’m saying” or even just “You know” at the beginning or end of every sentence.
38. Saying naughty lady words c**t and t**t, I never use them, they are disgusting, the worst words and nobody has the right to use them EVER.
39. Shaved heads.
40. Sky.
41. Smokers/Smoking
42. Spitting in the street. Swallow it or spit into a tissue.
43. Steak knives.
44. Sun/Mirror/Star/Sport/Telegraph (very badly written).
45. Swearing in every sentence. Swear words should only be used very occasionally e.g. when I stub a toe nothing helps as much as saying fuckity fuckity fuck fuck over and over again.
46. Taking your shoes off when you go into a house. Buy a vacuum cleaner.
47. Tattoos and piercings.
48. Text speak. When I text people I use full words and decent punctuation.
49. Too high heels. If you cannot walk in them, wear court shoes.
50. Too much leg
51. Very fat people (you know you think it too).
52. Vest tops.
53. Wearing a sports shirt with someone else’s name on it (is your name Beckham? No, then give it back).
54. Wearing Burburry.
55. Wearing Fred Perry.
56. Wearing Rockport.
57. White socks without sweat pants or shorts on.
58. Women with more then one piercing in each ear (and even then only over the age of 16).
59. X-mas. I may not be a Christian but I do recognise that the word is derived from Christ Mass. Have some respect. Crimbo indeed.
(Tue 21st Oct 2008, 10:07, More)

» The Credit Crunch

New/ Old Labour
Why would anyone ever vote Labour? The last time they were in, they ruined the economy. They taxed high and spent high, and the grand result was that we needed Margaret Thatcher to come in and sort it out. Whatever evil things she did were done as a direct result of the Labour incompetence.

One of the first things that G.B. did in the treasury in 97(?) was to remove tax breaks on pension funds. From having one of the best pension funds in the world we now have THIS. Moreover, all so he had more money to spend on whatever he spent it on. Government borrowing is sky high and even though I am beginning to tire of Dave Cameron, why didn’t G.B. save when he had the chance. Now is not the time to be borrowing but he is. He is borrowing money to pay the banks when they made stupid mistakes. When H.B.O.S. bought the Dutch bank last year they said at the time that he had paid too much. How can anyone trust these banks ever again Why not guarantee deposits and let the banks go under, the money would still be there to go in the remaining banks and people and organisations would have been punished instead of getting away with it. Every person who has ever voted Labour and has allowed G.B. to think of himself as a financial wiz are to blame for this. He is still pouring money away on the banks. Get them out.
(Sun 25th Jan 2009, 1:10, More)