» The Boss

Mr Hoppy!!
My boss at my last proper job (i.e. not academia) was an enthusiastic, dedicated man who always did his best to listen and respond to the concerns of his workforce.

Unfortunately, he had the voice of Ivan Dobsky, the Meat-Safe Murderer. He may have been talking about a new client design, or a change in order quantities, but I was hearing "I never done it. I only said I done it so they wouldn't give me another jalfrezi enema..."
(Thu 18th Jun 2009, 14:48, More)

» Family codes and rituals

The Amway Monster
Back in the days when men were men, Labour was old and shoulders were padded, my mum would go to pick my dad up from work every evening and, us being quite small at the time, my two sisters and I would come too. His office building was in the corner of an industrial estate, so in order to get there we'd have to drive past a number of different buildings. Warehouses, DIY places, normal industrialestatetype stuff.

Apart from one. One building that would have all three of us quaking in terror in the back of the car.

Amway. Gateway to Hell.

To merely glance at the building's corrugated shell would alert the denizens to our presence, and they would not be pleased, oh no. How dare these mere mortals, small children at that, gaze upon this terrible portal with their unclean eyes? And so they would dispatch their most fearsome beast to make us pay for our insolence with our lives. The Amway Monster would be released.

Me, being the responsible elder sister that I was and fearful for my sibling's souls, took great effort to impress upon them the awful danger they were in. I would give the word as soon as we rounded the corner, and then we would hide (as well as one can hide in the back of an Astra), scrunching our eyes up tight and covering our faces with our hands. My middle sister and I bravely did our best for the youngest, shielding her gaze as well as we could without compromising our own safety. Then, after half a minute of teeth-shattering terror, we'd turn and pull up outside my dad's office. And there we would be safe until the journey home a few minutes later, when the whole ritual was conducted afresh.

This happened every weekday at 5:30pm for four years. Then we got a second car, and didn't have to pick my dad up in the evenings.

A few years later Amway moved out, and whither they went, I know not. So be wary, all you people, and take heed. Should you pass an Amway building be sure to shield your eyes, lest you incur the wrath of the Amway Monster and lose your life and soul in one mighty crunch of it's hideous teeth.

Nowadays, the former Amway building is a Big Yellow Storage company. I don't know whether the gates of Hell still reside there, but it's a lot harder to be afraid of something that bright and shiny. I still get twitchy going past it though.
(Thu 20th Nov 2008, 19:15, More)

» That's me on TV!

Not yet, but will be
Saturday will see me getting my quiz on filming the next series of University Challenge, to be broadcast at the beginning of next year.

My friend has offered me £100 to answer one of Paxman's questions with "Your mum". I haven't decided yet whether I'm going to go for it.
(Thu 18th Jun 2009, 11:32, More)

» The Credit Crunch

My advice
Don't bother with the real world, where it's Crunchy and scary and people want you to be in the office by 9am. Do a PhD instead. I have a job secured for the next three years, I can cheerfully refuse to face my student loan and I'm getting a 16% pay increase next year, because that's what the new students will be getting and "there would only be complaints otherwise." All this whilst blowing stuff up with lasers for a living.

It'll probably all come tumbling down in a few years time, when I can't get a job and the cartoon anvils of income tax, loan repayments and Council tax fall on my head one after the other, but for now the Credit Crunch's only effect has been to make me recognise Robert Peston.

We might not be able to afford to buy houses or get married or other such grown up things, but hey. At least now noone else can afford to either.
(Thu 22nd Jan 2009, 14:00, More)

» Eccentrics

Encouraging words
You'd think that a psychology teacher would have at least a vague idea about the effect of words on a young person's mind.

Not sure, therefore, what my head of sixth form was going for with the following:

"You know Concrete, I suspect you'll be a bit of an eccentric when you're older."


Ok, probably true.


"But not now."


Oh?


"Now you're just weird."

.
.
.

And so I went off to do a Physics degree to prove her wrong.
(Wed 5th Nov 2008, 15:36, More)