» School Days

Snow!
Everyone knows that the magic snow can cause even the most sensible adult to slip into a childlike state and do silly things with it.

So when it snows heavily in the morning on a school day and has covered the school playing field in about 8 inches of the white stuff (Snow you dirty bastards!) by lunchtime, you would think the teachers would have the sense to tell all the kids to go home.

But no, not at my school.

Going back a few years now we had this little scenario whilst I was in sixth form, so was able to watch the following events unfold from the warmth and comfort of the common room.

A bunch of the younger kids (year 9 or 10) decided it would be a great idea to roll a HUGE fucking snowball, and by this I mean it was at least 7 foot high, twice the size of the midgets pushing it.

It was very impressive. I was in awe at these kids' determination, but couldn't help noticing that they were pushing it ever closer to the English block. "Probably can't see where they're going" I foolishly thought.

Clearly they'd had a plan from the start and they used their combined strength to heave this monster right up against the only doors of the English block (except fire escapes). "Genius!" I exclaimed loudly.

The funniest part of all was that there were teachers in there, presumably marking work or watching over lunchtime detentions, as well as kids who had sought shelter from the cold.

After about 10 minutes the headmaster marched across the field, from another part of the school and demanded they moved it.

Of course they couldn't exactly pull it, and they couldn't get around it to push it, so after some deliberation the kids decided it needed to be smashed apart...

Cue tens of kids running over to join in, dropkicking and elbow dropping the snowball until finally it had been defeated.

That made my lunchtime.

Length? More like height and width, both about 7 foot.
(Thu 29th Jan 2009, 14:41, More)

» Unemployed

Laid off
A few weeks ago my Boss called me and another colleague, called Jack, into his office.

He looked quite serious and said to me:

"I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off"

So I replied "I'd prefer it if you could Jack off, I've got a shit load of work to do"
(Fri 3rd Apr 2009, 14:03, More)

» Buses

Fucking Bus Driver!
A few years ago, I had a shit job and was due to do a Saturday shift.

I ambled to the top of my road to catch the next bus and make sure I got to work in good time. Living just outside the city centre meant that this particular bus went every 20 minutes.

I can't remember the times exactly, but for the sake of argument, let's say I left my house at 13.15 to get the 13.20 bus, knowing that the bus stop was only 1 minute away.

As I get to the top of the road, I see my bus pulling away. "Fuck! It's early!" However it moved no more than 20 yards from the bus stop before it hit a line of traffic at a red light. "Huzzah!" thought I.

I walked up to the door of the bus and knocked. The cunt just waved me off. So I shouted "The light's red, can't you just let me on?" He shook his head in response.
I shouted back "I've got a weekly ticket, you just have to stamp it" so he knew he didn't have to fuck around giving me change and my ticket. Still no luck.

Luckily, the next stop was a mere 200-300 yards away, and the lights were in my favour. I took a brisk walk/jog to the next stop, which was empty, sat down and waited for Mr Fucknugget.

Mr F arrives and opens his door, no-one gets off. Just as I'm about to step on, another bus pulls up behind (the next bus, but very early).

"Fuck this, I'll get on the other one you miserable bastard" says I, and I do.

Winnar!
(Thu 25th Jun 2009, 14:42, More)

» Family Feuds

Never rent from family
Me and my (now) wife moved in together at the age of 17. Finding a place to live was the first challenge.

Her aunt and 'lesbian life partner' agreed that we could rent their house, since they were moving anyway and I can only presume they had enough money to chuck around that they could afford not to sell.

Everything was pretty much fine for the most part, but things came to a head about 2 years later when they decided they wanted to sell the place. We couldn't get a mortgage at the time so we had to move out and rent somewhere else. This is where the problem began.

~~~~~~~Bit of back story~~~~~~~

When we'd originally moved in, Auntie wanted the living room carpet changed. It was old, worn down and it was blue (didn't go nicely with beige walls). But with them on the process of a move and money being tight, they asked us to pay for a new one. At the time we were a little miffed but thought "Hey, we've got to live with it, why not?" and so the old carpet was pulled up and stored in the loft/attic and a nice new thick brown one put down, lovely.

~~~~~~~End of back story~~~~~~~

So, having seen the new place we decided we wanted to replace the carpet in the main hallway and decided between us that we were entitled to take the brown carpet from Auntie's house.

*Please note that I accept we may be wrong about this, but that's not the point of the story. In my opinion, we had paid for the carpet at her request and they still had the old blue carpet (which was still usable, just a bit worn) so they should be able to put that down*

I argued the point with her partner in a calm and composed manner, giving my reasons and backing them up. She claimed that we had to leave the place as it was when we moved in, which is when I suggested they put the blue carpet back down. She said they had given it away to a friend and no longer had it.

Anyway, the conversation fizzled out, I told her I wasn't happy, but there was no way to resolve the problem amicably.

At this point the missus realised something. About 10 months prior they had increased our rent by £20 per month for 'gardening costs' (another family member de-weeding once a month) because said family member had gone past 1 day and noticed we hadn't de-weeded the garden in the freezing, wet winter months. The garden was basically all shingle, no grass, but of course some weeds did poke through. 1 month after the rent increase the other half and I relaid the garden, which meant shovelling up the existing gravel, raking the soil, laying another plastic sheet (to stop the weeds) and covering with several bags of stones. Total cost was about £100 and it meant there no more weeds. But of course, the rent never went back down, despite us no longer needing a 'gardener'.

After we'd moved into the new place we waited for the return of our £350 deposit, of which we received a meagre £75 and an itemised list of what they had deducted. The list included:
- Repairing items which were already damaged when we moved in
- £1.32 (or something similarly ridiculous) for 2 light bulbs
- 8 hours labour (!) plus cleaning equipment (which we had already left) to clean the oven, which we had already done
- 1 hours labour to move a box from the attic which we forgot (1 hour? Seriously? It was pretty much empty except for a few broken Xmas decorations)

Anyway, it was completely ludicrous, some of the items were necessary, but only about £100 worth, so we felt we were out by about £175.

So when everything was said and done, we felt cheated out of:
£200 for the carpet
£100 for the cost of weed-proofing the garden
£180 for the continued 'gardening costs' after we'd weed-proofed the garden
£175 loss of deposit

A total loss of £655.00

To top things off, they thought I'd been very rude when trying to claim back the carpet, which I hadn't. I had merely stated my case the same way she had stated hers. As such, they stopped speaking to me and the missus, they never even contacted us to say congratulations when we got married in private (everyone else was over the moon).

Rant over, sorry. Length etc
(Thu 12th Nov 2009, 14:13, More)

» Pubs

Fancy Dress
On a night out in the local to celebrate my 21st.

Everyone in our group is in fancy dress.

I'm dressed as a doctor.

As I walk towards the bar, a rather large bloke stops me and says "Ere you go mate, have a look at this" and proceeds to unzip his flies and poke a testicle out.

Words failed me, they truly did.
(Fri 6th Feb 2009, 9:24, More)